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anus 17
Houston Blinkie Letter
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October 7 American Nihilist Underground Society 1989
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Issue One Number 1
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Welcome
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Welcome to all readers of HBL! This is a magazine dedicated to the study and
pilfering of the common species of night-time safety flasher, otherwise known
as a "blinkie." These ingenious devices have been found all over most
American cities and towns, usually near construction. Since they're easy and
fun to steal, most ANUS members posess at least one.
This magazine supports the theft of and distribution of information about
blinkies, and we encourage those of you interested in late-night adventure to
read on.
Common Theft/by CC
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The easiest way to get a blinkie is to steal it. In Houston, this is most
fun, because (a) Houston cops love beating on kids, and (b) what the hell else
can you do in Houston? There are basically three steps to pilfering blinkies:
scouting, preparation and theft. The execution of each with attention to
detail is necessary, since one slip-up can mean a police shoe in the balls or
face. I'll summarize in the following paragraph. For those of you who want
more info, read my extensive file on the subject. It's up on some (puke)
Houston Apple boards.
scouting- Take a drive, and look for blinkies in secluded areas with
basically a good escape route. Avoid major streets with lots of cars with
light bars. Check out the blinkies, too, and make sure they're in fairly good
condition. No one wants a looser blinkie. Best places to look are around
construction sites or pothole-infested streets. There'll be at least one
cache in your area.
preparation- Get together an alibi for your parents, your tools, clothes,
means of transport and blinkie bag. The easiest way is to stay at a friend's
house, or to work on a SafeRides project or similar late-night endeavor. Your
parents will either trust you, or check up on you and want a phone number. In
Houston, finding one is easy, since any number in the 234 exchange is always
busy. Your parents will never figure it out. Your tools may vary, depending
on the blinkie type(s) and area. Clothes are easy: shorts/jeans depending on
weather, a dark polo or concert shirt and good shoes, such as battered
sneakers but not something obvious like combat boots. No camo. Find yourself
some means of transportation, like your own car (easy) or a friend who also
suffers (?) from kleptomania. Also, pick up a blinkie bag, such as a canvas
sack or thick backpack on your way out.
theft- Go late at night, and park your car nearby. Jump out, turn off and
unscrew the blinkies, and lay them in a safe spot. Collect them in your
blinkie bag, and sprint back to your car. The whole thing should take less
than fifteen minutes. Move on to next site.
As you can see, the process is not that hard. Go for it. It's not that
dangerous, except that sometimes Houston cops will try to seriously dick you
around, rape you if you're drunk, or just kickbox your testicles. The answer
is not to go in your car. If they accost you, run. Remember the song: "Over
the fence and through the woods to Grandmother's house we go..." Easy.
Common Tools
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There are several types of bolts you must be prepared to deal with.
Joke Bolt
This is your common octagonal bolt. A generic socket wrench with a 19 mm /
.75 inch cup will easily take off this puppy. Since these bolts are so
incredibly lame, the Creators of Blinkies have put little "safe sex" cups
around them. Who cares? You socket wrench should easily fit inside it.
Figure Eight Bolt
As the name implies, this bolt looks like a figure eight. It appears that a
specialized tool is needed for this one, but figure on needle-nose pliers
working just as well.
Penis Bolt
This bolt has a round, circumcised head with a pentagon cut in the tip. In
the middle of this pentagon is a circular protrusion. Beats me what kind of
tool get this one, but the bolts suck, and as a result do not tighten
completely, and these blinkies can usually be wrestled off in less than two
minutes.
Incredibly Easy Bolt
This is an octagonal bolt with sheath, usually sticking straight out of the
sawhorse the blinkie is on. Give it a good jerk, or just crank it with your
hands.
These bolts are used to secure blinkies to wood or plastic sawhorses, barrels,
signs or barricades. Since construction workers have to move them, too, the
bolts are usually accessed with a easily-availible tool (at least to
construction workers). This fact works for you, since whatever they can get
we can make/fake/steal.
That's it, and good luck! If you need more info, call one of the ANUS boards
in Houston when they go back up and we'll be glad to hold a workshop for you!
Recent runs
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Recent runs by Houston ANUS members or members-in-training netted a total of
twenty five blinkies over a two-weekend period. Naturally, this sucks, but
since most of us attend seriously evil schools, work has slowed us down a bit.
Captain Crapp, Chromatic Death and Royal Flush snagged ten red blinkies in a
recent run trying out a new location, and pronounced the area to be "sweet."
Safe Areas In Houston
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Memorial Drive from Fondren to Voss- This area is full of beautiful, blue
blinkies. Since the people who live here are financially secure in a big way,
the city put their best out. The best time to go is three-thirty A.M. to five
o'clock, since at this time there are few cars and pig ("police") patrols drop
off to infrequent. As you go down Memorial eastbound, select a side street
(they're all residential) and park there. Walk along, loosening and turning
off blinkies. Then, grab the bag and get 'em all. These blinkies are prime
Valdez blues, with Hercules Industrial Strength batteries.
Voss- Red blinkie city. These aren't in as good shape as the ones on
Memorial, but there are plenty of them and many more side streets. Snag them
late at night, and don't worry too much about pigs. There are no donut shops
in the area. Your easiest way out is the freeway, but Voss also runs straight
down to Westheimer.
Post Oak at I-10- This area is a massive construction project, and has tons
of red blinkies. It is almost completely safe, since the construction is an
acre triangle surrounded on two sides by freeways. If anyone shines a light
in your face, run deep into the construction. There are a plethora of hiding
places and you cannot be seen from the road. Turn off your blinkies and you
will not get caught. The best time to go is as soon as it gets really dark.
Tanglewood- This area is off of San Felipe, and has many small, one- or
two-blinkie streets. Scout beforehand and be out quick.
River Oaks- Surprise! This area is undergoing construction for the rich fat
cats, and as a result various natures of blinkies are appearing on cheapshit
plastic sawhorses. Simply unscrew the cheap plastic flap that secures the
blinkie to the sawhorse, and load up your vehicle. The River Oaks Police
aren't; they are just security guards. Mud up your license plate and head out
there. Be careful, however, since most residents have millions of dollars
worth of useless shit (faux art, stereo equipment, dogs, children) stuffed in
their mansions, and most are paranoid.
Other News
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Houston's two big construction projects are winding down, but more are soon to
come. The beautiful thing about this fact is that the new ones promise to be
in decently sleazy neighborhoods where the pigs don't patrol! Remember, no
donut shop -- no police protection.
Definitions
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Over the years, a definite vocabulary has evolved. Here are a few definitions:
blinkie- small, blinking object found at construction site. Also: Hamster
in microwave.
pig- police officer, peace officer, officer, motherfucker, dickweed,
protector, jackoff...whatever you want to call them, this is simply a
euphemism for "asshole with a gun and a badge."
pigmo- police car.
bingos- lights on top of said car.
bacon rinds- off-duty "pigs." (see above)
baco-bits- security guards pretending they're cops.
dink- citizen who screams at you for stealing blinkies from his yard.
rent- an older relative who asks you where you're going.
flick- common hand signal for communicating with "pigs."
sweetness- an area populated with blinkies or pussy you happen to pick up on
the way.
brew- post-run celebration (libations?).
blinkie run- the act of stealing one or more blinkies.
blinkie fuck- getting caught in the act. Bad for college transcripts.
blinkie bust- getting rained out or caught by parents.
penis- pre-run pacifer. Insert in mouth if nervous.
dickweed- person who posts a message following this text file saying, "Oh my
god!!!1!!!!11!! Thats stealing!!!!1!!"
A Little Info About ANUS
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The American Nihilist Underground Society is an organization dedicated to
making the shit life tosses at you more bearable. We're headquartered in
Houston, but we plan expansion soon. If interested, find an ANUS member and
let him know. We are equal opportunity people: we don't discriminate like
some shitheads on the basis of race, sex or religion; instead we discriminate
by testicle size, IQ and depravity.
We're the people who bring you quality entertainment such as TURD, SPOO and
BlinkieFest '89. Also, we are a Beatrice company.
Quote
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"I'm on a highway to hell..."
-Bon Scott
"I used to think that only America's Way,
Way was right,
But now the Holy Dollar rules everybody's lives,
Gotta make a million no matter who dies!"
--Queensryche
"If it's not nailed down, it's free."
--Captain Crapp
Conclusion
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We've had a lot of fun writing this issue and hope you enjoy reading it as
much as that poor clueless shit we tried it out on. You may notice that this
article is written in fairly complex language. This practice is to discourage
intelligent people out there (hello?) from passing us off as another group of
bored tyros with nothing better to do and a busted TV set.
Look for another issue in the future, but in the mean time, keep on blinkie
running, and let us know is any new developments or ideas come up. Thanks.
Authors
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Captain Crapp
Chromatic Death
Royal Flush
"Have a nice fucking day" -- 10/7/89
