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Angstmonster 35
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+ _____ ____ ____ ______/ |_____ ____ ___ ______/ |___________ +
* \__ \/ \ / __ \/ ___\ __\ \ _ \/ \/ ___\ __/__ \_ __ \ *
+ / __ \_ | \ /_/ >\__ \| | Y Y \<_> ) | \__ \| |\ ___/| | \/ +
* (____ /_| /___ /____ >|__|__|_| /___/__| /___ >|__| \__ \|__| *
+ \/ \/____/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ +
* 09.08.03 angstmonster issue 35 *
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¡edited (poorly) by gir¡
<sukdays> i dont know how you get into a scene
<sukdays> like an ezine scene
<sukdays> every scene discourages originality
§+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++¡contents¡++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§
+ +
+ Brief words from gir +
+ Angel in the Dark john libertus +
+ oscar estell +
+ The Finch Of Sodium oregano +
+ Chock full of ideas ch33z-1t +
+ How the Smitten Lost its Mitten gir +
+ +
§+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++¡contents¡++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§
<estell> the internet can bite my ass...
<kazoo> for all: debating, snuggly girls or laptops? a hard decision
---------------
: Brief Words :
: from gir :
---------------
My stinky squirts start to jerk in the water. The day I have waited for all my
life has finally come: MY POOP IS ALIVE! IT BREATHES THE STINKY WATERS OF A
BATHROOM STALL IN WHICH MERE MORTAL MEN WOULD ASPHEXIATE AND PROBABLY DIE!
THIS IS THE STUFF THAT DINING HALL FOOD WAS ONCE MADE OF, THE YUMMY GOODNESS
THEY YOU SHOULD BE PAID TO EAT!
And then...
...everything stopped.
For the longest time, there was an awkward pause of silence. We both looked
around the room waiting for the other one to say something and finally there
was a knock on the door.
"Who the fuck is that?"
"I dunno."
"Well, aren't you going to go check it?"
"No."
"It could be important."
"What the fuck do I care?"
"Maybe it's somebody with He-Man sheets."
There was a pause again. Ch33z-1t gets up to open the door with a hurried
excitement, but Oregano opens the door up on him, squishing Ch33z behind it.
"Gir, man. Who were you talking to?"
"Well, I was talking to Ch33z-1t until you smashed him behind the door."
"Gir..."
Oregano pauses to reflect in sadness.
"...Ch33z-1t's a dead man. He's been gone for awhile."
"What are you talking about? HE WAS RIGHT HERE UNTIL YOU SMUSHED HIM BEHIND
MY DOOR!"
"Fine. Ok Ch33z-1t is probably just hiding because he is scared of me. So how
about you and me go visit your doctor and we can talk to him for awhile?
Ch33z-1t can stay here and get better from having the door slammed in his
face."
"I dunno man, we should really take Ch33z-1t with us if we are going to see a
doctor. I mean, you probably hurt him really bad with your uncanny SPICE
POWER!"
"Gir, we're going to be late. We don't have time for any of this. Ch33z-1t is
dead. REALLY!"
"IF he's dead, how can he have a file in this issue of angstmonster?"
"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! DEAD PEOPLE* DON'T WRITE FOR ANGSTMONSTER!"
"I'LL PROVE IT!"
Even though I was about to violate the sacred rules of Angstmonster and showing
off the 0day releases to non-Queens of the kingdom, this was the only way to
prove Oregano wrong.
Much to Oregano's surprise, the file listed as am35.txt on my computer
contained a file by Ch33z-1t that was brand spanking new!
"MY GOSH GIR! WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!?!"
"It means we are taking Ch33z-1t with us to see that doctor who thinks that I
am crazy. I'LL SHOW YOU ALL WITH THIS RELEASE THAT I AM NOT CRAZY AND CH33Z-1T
WILL NEVER DIE!"
(*zombies not included since zombies are undead and not dead)
---------------------
: Angel in the Dark :
: by john libertus :
---------------------
Long ago, in my youth, I fought a duel with the Lightbringer, the one they call
Lucifer; with help, I overcame him, but, in this War we're in, few victories
are conclusive: he still keeps coming around. But now I can always find an
answer.
He knows everything, that's the problem. It's so seductive, feeling that way:
that you know it all, that you'll never be called down for your ignorance.
Nowadays, when someone comes wearing his face, I admit I'd be glad to know
everything too, but every situation I get into is a little bit different from
any I've been in before, and I have to admit I'm still learning. It's a
full-time job to make sense of all I think, and feel, and see, and hear, and
knowing it all would get in the way. I'm in the dark most of the time and I
only have this little bit of light, so I've gotta be careful.
-------------
: oscar :
: by estell :
-------------
My roommate's cat ate my paint this morning.
Lets try and grasp the mental stimulation to be found in a tube of paint.
Running out of control you slide into a wall, smashing not only your body, but
also a plastic bag filled with squishy tubes of who knows what! You step into
the bag ::crinkle crinkle crinkle:: AH! That sound! It makes your nose twitch
and you just want more and more of it ::CRINKLECRINKLECRINKLE CRINKLE!!!!::::
AH SHEESH! Nothing beats the sound of a plastic bag crinkling beneath your
little fuzzy toes. Then you remember the feeling of plastic slicing under the
wrath of your razor claws, you continue tormenting the bag and finally you
remember why it is you came in here. OH YEAH! I'm standing on tubes of squish!!
So you jump on the squish tubes for a little while and it's mildly amusing
especially since jumping still creates the CRINKLE!! AH HEAVENLY CRINKLE! You
shake your head trying to focus. You wonder what can be done with a tube of
squish and quickly realize that hey you're still teething and squish tubes
probably feel pretty good on the old teeth. You bite the tube, one bite doesn't
do much but it does have a good degree of resistance against your teeth... two
bites a little harder this time... hmm... I wonder how much squish tubes can
take!! And what on Earth is inside! THREE BITE AND FLAHSDASOPKPF! EXPLOSION!
YUCK! Squish tastes awful but ooooo does it spread around nicely! OH SHIT I'm
messy. Licklicklicklicklicklick. It doesn't come off. You get angry so you
attack 3 more tubes of permanent squish until it dawns on you that you're
getting messier. This sucks so you trot over to the human's sleeping space and
jump on her to see if she knows how to get oily squish out of cat fur.
::MEOW!:: she looks at you, sighs, and goes back to sleep. Drat. Well nothing
else to do now maybe you should just go lick your ass, and, of course, that is
so intriguing that you do so for 20 minutes.
-----------------------
: The Finch Of Sodium :
: by oregano :
-----------------------
Pre-pre-story
A simple slip of the tongue. Perhaps more proper, a slip of the ear,
whichever is the case is now lost to history. And so my daughter asked to hear
the story of the Finch of Sodium.
Pre-story
I was in the kitchen with my youngest daughter making lemon water. Being
of a frame of mind to have my children grow up healthy I often keep giant
bottles of water in the fridge, hoping they will go for this water instead of
sugary soda. But to make things more interesting than just having bottles of
tap water I make things more interesting -- as a father I am required to do
such things -- one of my favorites is lemon water, and I must say the girls
like it too.
So I was in the kitchen making lemon water with the youngest daughter.
"First the concentrated lemon juice." And I let her squeeze the plastic
lemon into the plastic bottle.
"Then fill with water."
We went to the sink and my daughter got up on a stool and turned the faucet
while I held the bottle.
"And finally the pinch of sodium to really sell the flavor." And I threw
in a little salt, which really makes the lemon flavor stand out. The water is
tart, but quite refreshing.
My daughter said, "The Finch of Sodium." I corrected her and that seemed
to be that.
Later, at bedtime, as I was tucking her in she said, "Daddy, can you tell
me a story about the Finch of Sodium?"
I asked, "You mean a pinch of sodium?"
She replied, "No, like a bird, the Finch of Sodium."
And so for her I made up this tale.
Story
A long time ago we did not know where spices came from. When I say a long
time ago, this was long before I was a child, a long time before Grandpa was a
boy, a long long time ago indeed. The way people got spices when they were
cooking is to open the window and whistle. I know you know the bird whistles,
because we play that bird-whistle game over and over and over. So when people
needed turmeric they called for a sparrow. How would that go?
[and here my daughter whistled a sparrow call.]
And -- oh no! -- we are out of fennel, call a bluejay!
[Here my daughter does a jay call.]
And so forth. But over time people learned to sail the world and they
brought back beautiful plants from all sorts of countries. And you know how we
have the garden in the back where I grow basil and dill and chives? Well,
people all over grew these plants and needed the birds less and less for
spices.
Finally giant corporations took over and they sold spices in jars that we
get in the supermarket and cut the birds all out of the spice business all
together.
That is...all but one bird...the finch. And so to this day, if you are
mindful and heedful and you run out of sodium, you throw open the kitchen
window and let in the lovely breeze and just whistle the call of the finch and
soon enough one will land on the windowsill and you will have enough sodium to
cook your meal.
The end.
Post-story
"Dad, what is sodium?" my daughter asked when I was done.
"It is a fancy, technical term for salt," I told her.
"Dad, is that really true?"
"Next time we make lemon water we'll open the window and give it a try. Now
go to sleep." And she went to sleep. And I was up all night trying to figure
out how to get a finch to bring us sodium.
The end
-
Contact oregano at the following email address:
oregano2k at yahoo dot com
-----------------------
: Chock full of ideas :
: by ch33z-1t :
-----------------------
Well the time has come for me to release another file. I know it has been far
too long since I have written anything. But I just have no desire anymore.
All I want to do is listen to metal and videotape Worf. But as a civic duty,
and constant badgering by gir, here I am in again. Making my mark on the
t-file community. This is not a typical t-file, as I will not write a full
anything. It will be just a bunch of parts of ideas I have had, and how I
would write it. Not me doing the actual writing.
Idea 1:
Some of you may have heard that some theatres across the country are showing a
LOTR marathon when Return of the King comes out. WELL DO NOT GO TO THIS!!! I
overheard a huge MPAA exec talking about getting rid of all the dorks. They
are going to blow up theatres worldwide. Their plan is to get all the dorks in
many areas and blow them all up.
Idea 2:
Some of you may have used Downy's wrinkle releaser. Well this is very
misleading. I bought this for my grandmother as a birthday present. But the
problem is, it didn't release any of her wrinkles on her face.
Idea 3:
Hamster Mafia
Idea 4:
I should write a book on teaching people how to use Irc. I have had to teach
two people in 1 week. What a life. On a side note. I would like to thank gir
for teaching me IRC, if it had not been for x-chat freshman year. I would be a
lost puppy.
These are my ideas. If anyone wants to elaborate on them, they can do so in
any fashion they choose.
-----------------------------------
: How the Smitten Lost its Mitten :
: by gir :
-----------------------------------
Smitten is a good word. I think we should all do what we can to make use of it
more often for when it seeps into conversations, they tend to be a little more
fuzzier. I'm sure that I am not the only person to have made this observation
BUT I can tell you much more about the word "smitten" than your average
observer.
The word is derived from the story of failed experiment by a madman, who
intoxicated by power was determined to create SUPER MITTENS OF GREAT CUDDLY +5!
If only we were able to wrap our minds round the implications of SUPER MITTENS
OF GREAT CUDDLY +5, we would know that this man was not mad, but just a lover
of the warm and fuzzy, a man that our world had no place for. WHO NEEDS SUPER
MITTENS WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A BRAND NEW CAR!?! Having SUPER MITTENS reaches far
beyond the want of a brand new car, life is void and meaningless without the
MITTENS OF GREAT CUDDLY and this is why many people used to believe they were
on very important quests to seek out SUPER MITTENS, you know, back in the day.
Before there were SUPER MITTENS OF GREAT CUDDLY +5, there had been SUPER
MITTENS OF SUPER CUDDLY and GREAT MITTENS OF SUPER CUDDLY, AND GREAT MITTENS OF
GREAT CUDDLY, but never had their been such a mitten that was SUPER and GREAT
(in that order). Knowing this, the madman had to work quick and release his
divine invention to the masses before someone else did. There was a time when
I was part of the race to create SUPPER MITTENS OF GREAT CUDDLY +5 but alas
I ultimately failed. As soon as someone handed me mitten making materials, I
started to purposely drop them on the floor and record them into my laptop and
try to make mittens that way.
While most of you out there are not mitten makers, I am sure you have enough
sense to know that you can not make SUPER MITTENS OF GREAT CUDDLY out of music
and thus I am ultimately doomed to writing tfiles and not mitten making. This
disapointed me greatly, for I saw mitten making as my way out of this town,
but I was not as quick witted as the madman FOR I AM NOT CRAZY LIKE EVERYONE
THINKS!
So back to the word smitten. The reason it was derived from SUPER MITTENS OF
GREAT CUDDLY +5 is because when the madmen finally created a pair of these
mittens (and the only pair ever to be made) he gave them to his one true love
and they lived happily ever after. That is why we say we are "smitten" with
someone, because it means we want to live happily ever after with them and
give them as much +5 goodness as we can.
In conclusion, I am secretly planning to create a new breed of +5 goodness for
the girl I am smitten with. It's to be a surprise for her indeed. But I'm
sure the surprise is to be ruined with my divulging of this information! BACK
TO MITTEN MAKING FOR ME!
<oregano2k> I have a handful of monsters
<oregano2K> I grabbed them out of a barrel
<oregano2K> each of the monsters squiggles and squirms in my grasp
<oregano2K> I take the handful and put them into an earthen bowl
<oregano2K> and set it upon the table
<oregano2K> then I take them out
<oregano2K> one by one
<oregano2K> and pop each in my mouth
<oregano2K> and chew slowly
<oregano2K> monsterly good delight
<oregano2K> the end
æææææææææææææææææææ
æ Æfterthought(s) æ
æææææææææææææææææaæ
Someone once asked me about the Baked Potato theme issue we were planning and I
denied its existence. This was of course to that HAMSTERS AND LASERS could be
brought into this beautiful world of ours. So now if the same person was to
ask me about the baked potato issue, I WOULD SAY "OH MANG WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
THE ONLY REASON WE ARE SITTING ON THE BAKED POTATO ISSUE IS BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T
SENT US A SUBMISSION YET!" AND THEN ALL OF THE LOYAL READERS GET ANGRY AND GO
"GIR TELL US WHO IT IS THAT HAS NOT SENT YOU A SUBMISSION FOR THE BAKED POTATO
ISSUE AND WE WILL HUNT THEM DOWN AND ASSAULT THEM WITH BAKED POTATOS UNTIL THEY
GET YOU THAT FILE" TO WHICH I WOULD REPLY "MY MY READERS YOU ALL ARE THE ONE
PERSON WHO HAS NOT SENT ME ANYTHING AT ALL SO PREPARE TO BE ASSAULTED WITH
BAKED POTATOS BY YOURSELVES!"
AND UNTIL WE GET SOME SUBMISSIONS IN THE KEY OF BAKED POTATOS, THE ANGSTMONSTER
RATION IS CUT OFF FOR ALL OF YOU! NO MORE ANGSTMONSTER UNLESS IT IS BAKED LIKE
A POTATO!
_____
/ |\ |\ /\ |\ |
\ | | |/ |/ < > |/ | *
/ |_| | | \/ |\ | *
FRIENDS:
http://www.bubblemonkey.org/cheesencrackers/ !CHEESENCRACKERS!
http://www.addendumtextfiles.org/ ¿ADDENDUM¿
http://www.neo-comintern.com *THE NEO-COMINTERN*
http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/kob |Kids on Bridges|
http://www.textscene.com CURRENT TEXTFILE SCENE
OTHER THINGS WE DO:
http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/turd THE UNDEAD RISE, DAMMIT!
http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/il +iMPULSE LAMEALITY+
?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?
What you have just read was a step into the unknown spontaneous and poorly
edited thoughts for sharing collectively known as "angstmonster." All thoughts
on the matter can be sent to <gir@angstmonster.org> or you can just visit the
site http://www.angstmonster.org and see what you think. Submissions of all
sorts are welcome! Everything from prose and poetry to rants and opinions,
creative text art, recipes for yummy food, reviews of stuff, etc.
If you you are looking to SUBSCRIBE to angstmonster, send an email to
<gir@angstmonster.org> and say "YES YES DO ADD ME TO YOUR WONDERFUL EMAIL LIST
OF HAPPY FUN DOOM SO I CAN GET A COPY OF ANGSTMONSTER DELIVERED TO MY MAILBOX
EVERY OTHER MONDAY!" Remember, if you don't say those exact words, you shan't
get added to the list.
Thanks and enjoy your day...
copy-spwep 2003 issue 35
angstmonster.org 09.08.03
Feel free to redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. (and stuff)
