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Angstmonster 31
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+ _____ ____ ____ ______/ |_____ ____ ___ ______/ |___________ +
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+ / __ \_ | \ /_/ >\__ \| | Y Y \<_> ) | \__ \| |\ ___/| | \/ +
* (____ /_| /___ /____ >|__|__|_| /___/__| /___ >|__| \__ \|__| *
+ \/ \/____/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ +
* 07.14.03 angstmonster issue 31 *
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¡edited (poorly) by gir¡
<vorstyles> ghangstah gir is writin the text.
<vorstyles> dumps out an issue, starts building the next
<vorstyles> typin the words,
<vorstyles> lettered bullets flyin
<vorstyles> angstmonster is up, and the readers are dyin
§+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++¡contents¡++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§
+ +
+ Brief words from gir +
+ the bridge john libertus +
+ Mental Anime vol 1: Kilan of Ur vorstyles +
+ how you like eye stabbies tex +
+ Speeding in Virginia atom +
+ Waste not! gir +
+ Stupid Questions Kids Ask peith +
+ my boots are made of sadness tex +
+ Waiting oregano +
+ Buddy icons have been proven to cause cancer tildaq +
+ +
§+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++¡contents¡++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§
<Estell> so i think i understand why girls cant have ops
<Estell> since we are irrational
<Estell> we might take over the channel
<Estell> and be dictators
thedaviator: buddlay
thedaviator: paramount just called me
thedaviator: they want to make an angstmonster movie
thedaviator: i said i would have to talk to you about it first
thedaviator: and i would get back to them
thedaviator: then if it does well
thedaviator: they want to replace kings dominion
with an angstmonster theme park
<girbles> what's the difference between pseudo intellectuals and goths?
<whitcomb> makeup
fanking: u loser i hate u
fanking: message me back when u decide TO GROW UP
<atom_> all the wealth in the world doesnt help if you are poor in your brain
i am not gir: we have a book at work called
"in me own words" the autobiography of bigfoot
thedaviator: man
thedaviator: that isnt the real bigfoot
thedaviator: he is much smarter than that
thedaviator: i bet thats some imposter fake
---------------
: Brief Words :
: from gir :
---------------
Merry men of the forest! Here we are once again for another attempt at non
hamster and laser spectacularness. As hard as we might try, nothing will ever
be as grand as that old hymn which is angstmonster issue 30, the greatest and
most spectacular! Oh my, how far we have come since then though. Actually, I
am lying. Most of the following files were written during the creation of the
hamster and laser issue but since they did not mention hamsters and lasers,
alas, they could not be released along side files that mentioned hamsters and
lasers.
But just because that issue has come and gone does not mean the war is over.
You'd have to be crazy to think that! While ninjas have been laid dormant as a
result of our overwhelming hamster and laser power, the public approval of
pirates has only increased! OUR PEOPLE ARE BEING ENSLAVED BY DISNEY RIDES AND
OVER PRODUCED MOVIES! While preliminary strikes may have disabled the majority
of ninja forces, pirates our moving to quickly for our hamster/laser technology
to track them. THATI S WHERE YOU NOBLE READER CAN HELP OUT! IF you should
happen to see a pirate in the street, you should exterminate him at all costs.
Should extermination not be an option, just give them a good punch and/or kick
to the face. This maneuver should stun the pirate long enough for you to
escape or maybe find someone with in walking distance who has some pirate
poison which is known to make stunned pirates no more! While the name "pirate
poison" is quite the aged street term for the stuff, there are those in the
know nearby one and all who can assist in the creation and possession of said
substance. Keep an open eye for is, especially if there are pirates chilling
all in your hood.
DON'T STAND FOR INVASION! EVEN IF PIRATES CAN DEFEAT HAMSTERS AND LASERS
(WHICH THEY CAN NOT!) HOPE IS NOT LOST! CONTINUE TO READ ANGSTMONSTER FOR
DETAILS! The craftier among us have left you clues in between the lines.
--------------------
: the bridge :
: by john libertus :
--------------------
In the country of the mind
in the town
there is a nameless bridge
the neighbors call "the bridge"
and shape directions from it,
saying "past the bridge," or
"down by the bridge"
down by the bridge,
a mother playing with her daughter,
a son listening to his father,
a workman waving from the field
down by the bridge
down by the bridge,
wrongheadedness confessing,
clumsiness regretting,
down by the bridge
Come, friend, it's raining over here,
but the sun is breaking through the clouds
down by the bridge------
-----------------------------------
: Mental Anime vol 1: Kilan of Ur :
: by vorstyles :
-----------------------------------
The old wyrm lifted its head. Its ancient eyes focused on the figure
standing in the waving long grass. His features were familiar; almost
reminding the aging dragon of a time long passed.
His hair wrapped itself around his face, as it followed the moving breeze.
Rolls of fabric flared, caressing the passing wind, their colors dancing
around him distracting even the steadiest eye. His head dropped in a
salutatory bow, as he leveled the spear supporting his weight.
With the rhythm of an un-sounding drum, the spear became a blur of motion.
Its golden head ducking and diving as the wood of the shaft flowed through
the hands of the ornately dressed warrior. Suddenly the flow stopped, and
the spear leveled itself facing the eye of the wyrm, its golden reflection
bringing a realization. Then the figure spoke, his voice booming across the
prairie.
"I am Kilan, direct descendant of the tribe of Ur. On this very field, you
killed my Ancestors. Their blood stained the long grass for centuries, but
now I have come to tell you. The tribe of Ur has been reborn, and your days
have come to an end."
"The... tribe... " Thoughts of this legend had become but distant memories
for the ageless beast. "The face, the spear... but it can't be." The old
wyrm slid back in its mind, remembering a nearly forgotten time.
Kilan swung the spear upward, angling the blade above his head, and a golden
light poured out of the blade onto him. Every piece of his body tingled as
the power soaked through him, filling him with a chill. His bones vibrated
with feelings of thorns piercing his every inch, as though they'd frozen
inside his muscles. Ki closed his eyes and quickly let his mind eject the
temporary pain. A smile formed on his lips, curling themselves to a wide
point, as he began spinning the wooden shaft through his hands once more.
The old wyrm drew back; pulling air into a reservoir, feeding the flames
within. Its head pulled back to give velocity to the ball of heat, ready
to release. With a quick motion of its neck, the dragon's head shot
forward. Its lips slid back, guarded by stalactite and stalagmite teeth
growing in its large cavernous mouth. A gust of hot wind rolled forward,
guiding a balling mass of flames towards Ki.
The spear flowing through his hands, Ki stood firm behind the barrier of
gold. A hard force of fire crashed into the barrier, sliding Ki's feet
through the grass. A trail of broken stalks and dirt remained in lines from
where his feet stood, yet he didn't slow his swirling movements.
Fire engulfed the area around Ki, igniting the grass in a circle surrounding
his barrier. He held the spear at his side as he stepped into the flames in
front. As his feet met the flickering hot tongues, lapping at the air; the
flames extinguished in small tufts of smoke.
Ki's steps became quicker, as he moved towards the old dragon. He soon was
running at an incredible speed, colors flapping behind him like a comet's
tail. His fingers began moving and his lips mouthing ancient words,
seemingly lost in the wind. He swung the spear out, and steadied it, with
the spearhead trailing behind him. His eyes scanned the ground before him,
searching for... "There!" He found it, a large rock deeply seated in the
grassy plain. Ki slid his hand back, as he lifted the end of the spear
higher. He dropped the end of the spear towards the ground, catching the
edge of the rock. The shaft bent with the momentum of his run, and he
lunged in the air. The bow of the staff quickly fought to regain its
original form, and flung Ki into the air. He spoke the final words to the
enchantment suspended in his mind, and he felt gravity become a distant
flicker, calling him slightly. *Featherfall* He sailed towards the back of
the dragon, and spun the spear around for the strike.
The dragon turned as the figure flew towards his back. He was amazed at the
speed of this human, and was surprised as the tribesman's feet landed
between his wings. The Old wyrm tried to open his large leathery wings. He
felt a sting in the joint of one, then the other. The wings dropped,
lifeless weights slowing all motion.
Ki moved his wrists in a new rhythm, darting the blade of the spear. Its
head ducked and twirled, cutting the base of the wings and coming to rest in
the spiny back of the dragon, ceasing all movement from its powerful legs.
He grasped the spear plunged into the dragons spine, and threw himself up,
into the air. Whirling and twirling his body, Ki drew two short swords,
their glistening steel blades, forged in the fires of Tandor Mountain. He
dismissed the spell, as he listened for the coaxing of gravity to return.
His boots landed hard on the neck of the paralyzed beast, and he dropped to
his knees.
Ki crossed his forearms and thrust the blades with a strength passed to him
from his ancestral tribe. With his powerful arms, Ki pulled the blades
across each other, bisecting the back of the dragon's head.
Liquid fire poured from the wound, and moved as animated to cover his hands.
His frozen bones warmed as the fire poured across him, and his mouth spiced
up with a taste of cinnamon. Ki sheathed the swords, and slid down the back
of the dragon, removing the spear, and he continued down the tail, to the
long grass. The grass slowed its wave, as the wind dropped to a light
breeze.
The ageless dragon dropped its head to the ground, and turned its eyes to
Ki, as forever came to an end. "You really are the tribe reborn." With one
last breath, the old wyrm closed its eyes, and exhaled its life into the
sway of the grass.
-----------------------------
: how you like eye stabbies :
: by tex :
-----------------------------
I was going to write this tfile for the hamsters and lasers issue of
angstmonster. I was all like "Go me!" because I thought I could be strong and
powerful by expressing myself. But then gir is like "Hey! These are due by a
certain date! My name is James Davidson and I have an agenda! Blah blah
fucking blah! I'm going to force you to live in a poorly furnished early-90's
apartment with track lighting and beige walls!"
So I screamed out my rage and attacked him with my keys. ZOW! ZOW! ZOW! HOW
YA LIKE A FUCKIN' KEY IN YER EYE, JIMMY JAMES!
And then I realized that the keys were actually my fingers, and gir was
actually my cat, and I had just been playing with my cat for the last twenty
minutes.
I began to cry for the lesbian celery that I had dressed up in little plastic
Barbie clothes and made to sit in the fridge having a business luncheon while
they secretly worried every day about whether or not the state would take their
kids. The kids were broccoli until I dipped it in ranch dressing and ate it.
This is all about me taking a giant shit on grammar and language.
ROLAIDS
CHERRY-SODIUM FREE ANTACID
12 TABLETS
PACK UNIT NOT LABELED
IVIDUAL RETAIL SALE
N, SOUR STOMACH OR ACID INDIGESTION AND UPSET STOMACH
FOR ANTACID RELIEF - INDICATIONS: FOR FAST RELIEF OF
INDIGESTION AND UPSET STOMACH ASSOCIATED WITH THESE
ABLETS AS SYMPTOMS OCCUR. REPEAT HOURLY IF SYMPTOMS
WARNINGS: DO NOT TAKE MORE THAN 12 TABLETS IN A 24-HOUR
OR USE THE MAXIUM DOSAGE OF THIS PRODUCT FOR MORE
WEEKS, EXCEPT UNDER THE ADVICE AND SUPERVISION OF A
KEEP THIS AND ALL DRUGS OUT OF THE REACH OF
G INTERACTION PRECAUTION: ANTACIDS MAY INTERACT
RESCRIPTION DRUGS. IF YOU ARE PRESENTLY TAKING A
UG, DO NOT TAKE THIS PRODUCT WITHOUT CHECKING
IAN OR OTHER HEALTH OFFICIAL.
0 MG AND MAGNESIUM HYDROXIDE 110 MG
LAVORING, MAGNESIUM STEARATE, POLYETHYLENE
&C RED NO. 27 ALUMINUM LAKE AND SUCROSE.
S PLAINS, NJ 07950 USA © 1998
------------------------
: Speeding in Virginia :
: by atom :
------------------------
So today was my court-date. To be honest I thought my court-date was on
Thursday so I did hang out with gir the day before that, it got really
late and I woke up at 10am with a weird feeling in my stomach. So I run
outside to the car with no shoe's and sure enough court-date was on the
17th not the 19th like I wrote it down into my organizer on my phone.
So I just back inside, brush my teeth and no time for a shower, call
the court and told them I'll be late. I told them I would be there like
in 30-45 minutes what would virtually did mean I had to speed to the
court. Of course I did "not" speed so well so I ended up being 2 hours
and 15 minutes late to my court-date. So I run inside, true the metal
detector's and approach a cop to tell him that I am late, very sorry
and want to appear in-front of court. So the judge apparently just has
gone on a short nap so after waiting few minutes he took my case. I all
messed up and shaky was thinking they will cut off my head in court,
play tennis with it and have the rest of the court laugh at me. So I
plea guilty, that's it. The end of the story. I had to pay only $174
for fines and court cost and was free to leave. So I was driving 85 in
the 65 zone what is reckless driving (my offense), also I was over 2
hours late, looked like a bum and got off with next to nothing. Wow...
that just amazed me. When I had to pay my fine I was so happy I asked
the cashier where I can put my tip.
--------------
: Waste not! :
: by gir :
--------------
Once upon a time there was this girl who made your favoritest ezine editor feel
extra special about himself and she had a smile that made him excited and
seemed to be quite the wonderful girl. But alas, GIR WAS WRONG! THE GIRL WAS
IN FACT A FLAMING CUNTRAG OF A BITCH WHO ABUSED GIR SO MUCH THAT FROM
HENCEFORTH GIR WILL ONLY WRITE FILES IN THIRD PERSON!
gir attempted to make a mixtape for this girl, being that mixtapes contain the
glue of the world on them and say "HEY YOU! I like you a lot so here is some
rocking music to prove it." Yeah well, if gir could gir bets gir would say
"HEY GIRL YOU ARE A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT AND GIR HATES YOU FOREVER AND EVER!
THANKS FOR BEING A WASTE OF MIXTAPE!"
Don't let gir's sad tale and anger ruin this delightful little bit of downtempo
music adventure. In fact, gir recommends this mix (or any of the artists on it
that you may be unfamiliar with) to anyone who digs portishead, massive attack,
lamb, dj spooky, or other "downtempo/trip hop/chill" music. Rock out and good
luck in finding girls who are more than a waste of mix tape making time and
stuff.
"The Sky at Night" -Dj Food
"What about?!!!??! (Poetry mix)" -Kitta
"Fixed Income" -Dj Shadow
"something wicked (featuring seaming to)" -The Herbaliser
"The Ultimate Preference" -Taichi
"High Pursuit" -Ming & FS
"Final Home (Vocal Version)" -Dj Krush
"Scatterheart" -Björk
"Buddy" -Plaid
"Stars" -Nightmares On Wax
"Not Working instrumental" -Cex
"Easy Muffin" -Amon Tobin
"My Lost Love Hunting Your Lost Face" -Scanner
Mixtapes are nice and meant to be personally unique to the person you decide to
make them for. Bite a song or two, but mean it when you do. Don't get so
jaded that the only way you can believe in it all is after a few too many
drinks and sleepless nights.
--------------------
: Stupid Questions :
: Kids Ask :
: by peith :
--------------------
If I could be any animal, it would have to be either a hawk or a dog. If i
got to be the bird then I would fly all over the place, but only when I felt
like it. With some birds, like Pigeons, you have to fly alot because you
are retarded and walk in front of people walking and cars driving. As they
casually stroll up to you your head bobs up like a fucktarded mutant worm
and realizes you are about to die so then you fly for 4 feet but your so fat
you just exhausted all of your birdseed you ate off of the cruddy
bubblegum-melting sidewalk. Your also really dirty and ugly if you are a
Pigeon. There are other birds though. I considered heavily being an
Arctic Tern. For about 2 seconds I weighed the pro's and con's of being
such an amazing creature, but at the 2nd second (I'm not going to write out
"second second") the fact dawned on me that those birds go from like the
south pole to the north pole twice a year or some crazy shit. Right now my
life is in shambles because I'm starving hungry and the frozen pizza in the
freezer is too far and the buttons on the microwave resist me pressing them
too much. Thusly, Arctic Tern is not for me. Being an Eagle would be
equally as cool as a Hawk, but your a fuckin eagle and I'm not all gung-ho
American and shit like that. Its like wearing those Jennifer Lopez glasses
everyone has. They would just imply I have no sense of fashion and listen
to everything everyone tells me. Its subjects like this that make a good,
seemingly harmless T-file go very, very bad.
About these glasses: First of all, they look like someone went to tint them
but fucked up or ran out of tint juice and now they are only fjkafnio
Enough of that.
The best things about being a hawk are that you are totally cool looking and
fairly big without being fat. Also, your not really pressed to migrate a
whole lot because your diet lives in a mild/temperate area and you only need
to leave a few hundred miles when it gets really snowy. You might need to
migrate though if suburban expansion comes along and deletes the 693 square
miles of habitat which was once your daily buffet line and replaces it with
the same 4 shopping centers over and over. 5 Zany Brainy are really
helpful when you are trying to raise a population of goofy looking white
kids who will obey the TV without question.
A Dog would be a cool animal to be because you get to ride in Automobiles
and sometimes Airplanes but only when they lock you in the cargo hold at
negative one hundred thousand degrees celcius. I hear that dogs like the
butt sex though. Not a bad "though", just a "though". I want to be a dog
because of those reasons and because Alpo just tastes so fucking good.
--------------------------------
: my boots are made of sadness :
: by tex :
--------------------------------
5 AM. The sky is black, the infinite midnight black that shrouds dawn- there
is only stillness.
I in my intoxicated daze have destroyed humanity. With a careless thought I
slaughtered them, consigned them to gutters full of trash and blood. Upturned
faces like broken flowers rise towards a morning they will never know.
As I walk down my driveway, Coors Light in hand, I think of my neighbors, who
perished quietly in their beds. The media would be awash in this inverted
anarchy- this is that peaceful lawlessness that transcends a lifetime. The
media are gone.
I swallow- and am swallowed- and am gone.
--------------
: Waiting :
: by oregano :
--------------
They Wait.
Everyday they come here and they wait. They stand around, sometimes sit,
sometimes talk and are merry, most times silent and patient.
These are patient people, they must know what this is about, right? But I
know what it is about and I sometimes wait too. I sometimes come out here with
them and by the side of the tracks in this giant shed, I wait too. Sometimes
silent, but often I have to ask questions, I have to know, but can I ask them
directly? no I cannot, so I have to go around it, the tunnel does not go
through the mountain, it goes around the base then through the pass. I too
have to take the long way in the questions I ask. How can I find out?
One day, in the shed, as I am looking at the track and all the green weeds
growing out between the rotting wood and the rusting rails. One day, as I stand
under the great train shed, with the ceiling falling down a bit at a time. (I
am surprised it is safe here, I am surprised it has not been torn down.) One
day, I think what others must have thought. What if I made it happen? What if
I somehow got a hold of an old train, what if I convnced some train museum to
lend me a train for a week. What then? I could come down these old tracks,
the first train here in over 85 years, and I would stop in this shed, and then
all the people, all the people who come here every day to wait, then these
people would have an actual train to get on, their waiting is over, I am the
hero -- and the engineer.
But then it fades, that cannot be what this is about, can it? Are these
people really waiting for a train? Waiting for a hero to rescue them from
their waiting? Or waiting for what?
But I cannot ask them, and they cannot answer. We have entered a place
beyond words, far beyond explanations. Even they don't know why they wait.
--------------------
: Buddy icons have :
: been proven to :
: cause cancer :
: by tildaq :
--------------------
We have all used AOL by this day in age, that I can be sure of. I have found
some of the new features to be quite a step above the past few AOL's that have
come out. In the '2001 January' (give or take five years) model we saw the
introduction of more emoticons, by far the best feature of AOL to date. The
worst feature of AOL was great until the research proved that causes cancer in
some users. Buddy icons have been proven to cause cancer.I have reviewed every
single version of AOL IM since the beginning of Chatting in 1803 (give or take
five years).
In this latest review, I have discovered the stupidest feature since the "Flash
window when messages are received" checkbox under the preference changer or
"preferences," as newbies call it. The feature about which I am talking is the
INSERT IP ADDRESS feature. You can now simply right click and mouse-over the
insert tab and then mouse-over the IP ADDRESS tab to basically insert your own
IP into the chat window. This is stupid! As Gir says, "Now I can hack you," I
would venture to believe him.
For all you newbies, "hacking" is not like when your cat has a furball, this is
a much more serious thing. Hacking means that people such a Gir who are
"hackers," can use those IP numbers to sort of call into your hard drive, much
like calling someone on the telephone only, instead of you picking up the phone
to see who is there, the HACKER PICKS IT UP FOR YOU!
This is where it get complicated and even confusing. This means that the hacker
is now able to 'talk' to your hard drive without your hard drive wanting to
talk back! Basically in layman's terms, for the newbies of course, hackers can
look at your porn that you you got by typing PORN as the keyword in your AOL
search box. If everyone were hackers nobody would be able to actually download
porn from the real internet and NOBODY would have porn. This part even confuses
an expert like myself sometimes.
My advice is to first of all NEVER USE AOL features unless you are sure that
they are safe and do not cause cancer.
æææææææææææææææææææ
æ Æfterthought(s) æ
æææææææææææææææææaæ
The world unraveled before me in between watching Donnie Darko and reflecting on
the situation with these ninjas and pirates. I've never been so involved with
such a menacing for in all my life. Should I fail, all will be lost. But not
even I can begin to grasp that. Hamsters being the crafty sort of creature
that they are, with secrets buried in their cheeks in between sunflower seeds
and banana chips, have not divulged all the information they have.
The future contains many grim possibilities but fear not. Hope lies in many
things we have yet to consider. Stay strong, remain steadfast no matter how
violent the opposition becomes.
Fuck all the haters. Fuck them in the ear with a rusty piece of metal and then
when that's done, stick their head in a poo filled toilet.
On one of my more recent chance encounters with public restrooms I saw the most
vile pile of poo and toilet paper ever. The physics of pooping on top of a
pile of poo that rose up out of a toilet bowel still boggle my mind. Perhaps
I've never had to poo that bad that I am willing to sit on a crown of someone
else's poo. Not that people who do that our gross or anything, I just would
let it go in my pants. Especially on a cold day... that sort of thing can
keep your warm for hours on end.
_____
/ |\ |\ /\ |\ |
\ | | |/ |/ < > |/ | *
/ |_| | | \/ |\ | *
FRIENDS:
http://www.bubblemonkey.org/cheesencrackers/ !CHEESENCRACKERS!
http://www.addendumtextfiles.org/ ¿ADDENDUM¿
http://www.neo-comintern.com *THE NEO-COMINTERN*
http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/kob |Kids on Bridges|
http://www.textscene.com CURRENT TEXTFILE SCENE
OTHER THINGS WE DO:
http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/turd THE UNDEAD RISE, DAMMIT!
http://www.angstmonster.org/txt/il +iMPULSE LAMEALITY+
?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?
What you have just read was a step into the unknown spontaneous and poorly
edited thoughts for sharing collectively known as "angstmonster." All thoughts
on the matter can be sent to <gir@angstmonster.org> or you can just visit the
site http://www.angstmonster.org and see what you think. Submissions of all
sorts are welcome! Everything from prose and poetry to rants and opinions,
creative text art, recipes for yummy food, reviews of stuff, etc.
If you you are looking to SUBSCRIBE to angstmonster, send an email to
<gir@angstmonster.org> and say "YES YES DO ADD ME TO YOUR WONDERFUL EMAIL LIST
OF HAPPY FUN DOOM SO I CAN GET A COPY OF ANGSTMONSTER DELIVERED TO MY MAILBOX
EVERY OTHER MONDAY!" Remember, if you don't say those exact words, you shan't
get added to the list.
Thanks and enjoy your day...
copy-spwep 2003 issue 31
angstmonster.org 07.14.03
Feel free to redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. (and stuff)
