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Addendum Issue 081
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Addendum
URL: http://www.adden.tr.cx/
issue# 81 : Home surgery
16th July 2002
Author: Steak
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A practical approach to home surgery on a infected ingrown toe nail
DiSCLAMER:
OK, this file is fun ok, it's what I did to myself one night when I
couldnt stand the pain any more, I am in no way saying that you should
do this, I am not a medical doctor, I have no qualifications and I don't
know whether what I did was safe or not. You should BY NO MEANS follow
the advice I give here, its just my way of telling you what I did. if
you do go and be a stupid idiot and follow these instructions and get
an infection and you have to have your tow amputated or your foot cut
off then don't come crying to me ok, it's not my fault you followed a
stupid text file that some guy (me) wrote at 5am on a cold winters
night and was to tired to know what the word sense meant.
in short, DO NOT UNDER ANY CiRCUMSTANCES ATTEMPT ANYTHiNG YOU READ
HERE AT HOME, OR ANYWHERE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER. its just fun
Now thats out of the way, on with the file!!
---
When you get a ingrown toenail there is usually a good amount of
pusy shit that collects itself underneath the skin just where the
toenail makes entry into the flesh, it is the most painful here and
this is this part of the infection that I decided one night to remove.
i am stupid, this is a given fact.
Materials needed:
Lint bandage padding : Comes in those paper sterile bags
Plaster tape : Comes in those cylindrical plastic or metal containers
Antiseptic : Cream, spray or ointment
Paper towels : For the occasional spout of blood
Saliva : Your own, I'll come to this later
Rolled up news paper : To bite down on
A complete disregard for bodily safety: This is a must
Tools:
Any tools are fair game in a home surgery, tweezers, pliers, bolt
croppers, hacksaws, scissors, knifes, teeth fingers, the corner of
a piece of paper or sharp sticks. I would highly recommend that
you sterilize EVERYTHING, just to be sure.
Step 1
You will need to prepare the infected area for amputation, I recommend
that you wash area clean with hot water and anti bacterial soap then
dry thoroughly. Clean hands and sterilize any instruments you will
be using. I also recommend those plastic latex gloves, first because
it will cut down the risk of infection when opening up the wound, and
secondly because they feel really good on the skin, this does not
make me a pervert =]
Step 2
Lay foot out in front of you and have the paper towels ready, build
up courage here as you are about to feel hurt and pain for a few
days, some nice soothing music might be a good idea at this point.
Step 3
Dig in. Try any way possible to pull, cut, barge or force that skin
and flesh off your body. This is going to hurt, big time. Bite down
hard on your news paper, and get ready to catch any drips of blood
that escape with the paper towels as blood stains can be kind of
hard to remove, and if you by any chance get caught up in any
murder investigations, then it an be quite a hassle when they find
blood stains around you room (inside joke) Be careful to discard
any surplus flesh in the proper waste repository, don't feed it
to your cat, it wont be thankful.
How to cope with the pain.
1. Chant or sing, keep your mind totally focused on the chant while
pulling those persistent bits off, this can ease the pain slightly.
2. imagine, try to imagine you are in a nice soothing place,
concentrate one hundred percent on a nice soothing image and
try to take the feeling of pain away. This is a little like guided meditation
3. Do not think of the following words Flesh, Pain, Blood, Fire,
Serum, Needle, Scalpel, or anything else to do with general pain
and hurt.
3. Anesthetic, apply your own saliva to the wound, saliva is a mild
but slightly effective natural anesthetic and will take a little of
the pain away. I have heard that being drunk is a good anesthetic,
it is what they used to give you before proper anesthetics were
available, however I would not recommend it seeing as you are the
one doing the surgery and if you are so drunk you cannot feel pain
then you are probably too drunk to o surgery on yourself.
Step 4
After the area has been amputated, wash clean again with the
antibacterial soap (this will hurt, again) and apply the antiseptic,
in lavish quantities then bandage with the lint and try and keep the
foot off the ground for about a week. With any luck in a few days
the pain will subside and you will start to feel better.
Tune in next week when we provide a home medical guide to performing
Brian surgery on yourself and your loved ones.
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Addendum
(C) Steak July 2002
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