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Addendum Issue 088
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Addendum Textfiles / 3.2 / Friday the 16th of May 2003
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'The Washer' By Steak
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And it wasnt until we had both been thrown off one of those huge
rotating fair ground rides, -our deaths certain and guaranteed
instantaneous, our bodies about to be mangled into disgusting bloody
grotesque representations of the living humans before hand by the
increasingly speedy approaching ground -that he told me that he hadnt
killed my pet cat, and I actually believed him.
But thats another story all together.
This is the story of a washing machine
A little while ago I was searching for cool looking things in somebody
elses cellar when I came across an old top loading washing machine.
Now I have come across disused washing machines before and as such,
one like this wouldnt normally attract my attention, except maybe to
remove the rotating barrel from inside. These make excellent fire
drums, but getting the bugger out it is a hard process.
This particular washing machine was old, though not rusted, it was a
little run down, a hole here or there but all together it was a pretty
unremarkable washer. The only thing that made this one different from
the rest was that it stunk like shit. Real shit, it smelled like bad
human waste with another aroma I couldnt quite place my finger on and
because of this somehow my curiosity was aroused.
I walked over to the machine and gave it a kick, it seemed to rumble a
little, and so I imagined that there was something dead on the inside.
Probably someones over-loved pet snatching a moment away for itself,
just to quietly crawl away and peacefully die somewhere, I thought.
I gingerly concentrated my attention to the lid of the machine; when I
touched it, I thought I felt it vibrate somewhere down in the hulk of
the wreck, but I couldnt be sure.
Holding my nose I lifted the lid slightly, maybe only half a
centimetre when the shit really hit the fan.
The lid flew open and a gust of overpowering stench blew out, enough
to make me stumble backwards for a second. When I regained my senses I
made my way back to the machine and looked inside.
Inside was not the standard rusty washing machine barrel I expected to
see but a deep cavernous interior that was filled with flames. The
feel of the heat was almost too much for me as a strained my eyes to
see anything but fire, smoke and brimstone.
Then deep inside the washing machine I saw a large face coming towards
me, it was a hideous red colour with horns poking out from the skull
that you could see, thanks to it being mostly an exoskeleton.
The being spoke:
"Behold, for I am the one called Lucifer, the one they call
the devil and the one they describe as pure evil! This
place you see before you is the closest thing to the place you
call hell, it is the end of the road for you here, for you are
now under my control. You will be forced to live out eternity
in everlasting pain and torment at the will of myself and the
other demons"
The devil let out a horrendous laugh that shook the entire foundations
of the house, which reminded me that I had better be quiet or I might
wake up the occupants. I took one more look at the hideous face
staring at me out of the pits of hell and I slammed the lid.
"Im nicking this," I said and checking to see that it wasnt
plugged in I carried the huge thing home in the back of
somebody elses car and set it up in my basement.
I sat there for a second and wondered what to do with the thing. I
opened the lid again and the same roaring voice boomed out at me
"Behold, for I am the one called Lucifer, the one they" I
slammed the lid again.
I wasnt quite sure what to do with the thing so I thought and thought
and thought some more until I came up with the perfect solution. Ill
drop First Man in there!
I grabbed the cordless phone and dialled the number of Ammervale
Police station.
"Hello?" Said the operator
"Hi there!" I said, "Can I please talk to first man? You
should find him in cell 3A. I believe hes been waiting there
for me to finish his story for about a month now"
"Sure thing Sir, Ill just grab him for you"
I waited a little while and first man came on the line, he was angry
at first for me leaving him alone for months on end, again. Yet again
I listened to him for a second and then changed the subject to the
fact I had a portal to hell sitting in my basement. He quickly shut up
and told me he would be round in a second, I didnt tell him I wanted
to push him into it, he might not have come round if I had told him
that.
When he got here I walked him down to the basement telling him not to
worry, I had already slammed the lid twice on the devil and the only
way the thing could hurt you was if you actually got inside it, and
what were the chances of that happening?
He stopped me for a second and made an off-topic observation.
"Hey Steak" he said
I took time out from my psychotic-artistic-betterment-obsessed
personality to answer his question.
"Yep?" I said, trying to come off like I wasnt falling apart
into tiny little broken-glass like shards inside
"Ever since you first created me back in the day you have been
calling me first man it seems a little stupid to call me
first man just because you were so bored that you didnt
want to think of a name a few months ago. I mean I have been
in quite a few stories now, dont you think its about time I
had a name?"
I considered his proposal, and I decided that artistically it was
better to give him a name. I thought for a little while and decided on
the name
"Fair enough" I said "If you want a name then it shall be so,
I will name you Thomas McPeppers"
"Actually" he said "I have developed a fondness for the name
David, I have been reading the history books a little recently
and I think that strategic commander David Frohike from World
War Two really correlates me well. The normal Joe, with that
little bit of extra something that enables me to practically
see oncoming traps and ambushes as if I had a highly tuned
sense for the thing"
Seeing my obvious disgust with his obnoxious hero worship he quickly
tried to compromise
"What about a combination of the two, perhaps David Thomas, or
Thomas Frohike, or maybe even Thomas McDavidon.."
"Nonsense" I said "Your name shall be Thomas McPeppers and
thats the final word understand?"
"Right" he said, "Thomas McPeppers, yay"
"Hey you want to go back to First man?" I threatened
"No"
"Well then. Now Tom get over here and check out this portal to
hell"
Hearing the phrase he plucked up a little bit and came over to see
what all the fuss was about, he complained a little about the smell
but opened the lid anyway.
The Devil came out with his normal booming roar announcing who he was
and where he was from, (like it wasnt obvious) and while tom was
still perplexed by the fallen angles words I grabbed his legs and
forced him into the hell portal.
As I watched him fall I heard him scream out "Youll pay for this
Steak!"
"Thats what you Always say Thomas McPeppers!" I yelled after him
When he was out of eye shot I slammed the lid, turned the light off
and went up stairs to make a nice relaxing cup of mild roast coffee.
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