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3.5 / #91 / Monday the 2nd of June 2003 / http://www.adden.tr.cx
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Cleaner, by Steak
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It was a pretty ordinary day for Mrs Jones. She had woken up, kissed
her husband goodbye for work, gotten up, fed the cat, put the garbage
out, watched wheel of fortune and was now enjoying her mid-morning
coffee and rest.
Only today was destined to be slightly different from the other days,
today there was going to be a knock at the door. Said knock, the
subsequent visitor and the obvious interruption will all happen around
about now.
The doorbell rang.
Mrs Jones got up from her chair to go and find out who it was that was
disturbing her from her much needed rest pausing only briefly to check
her reflection in the hallway mirror as she passed.
She swung the door open to reveal a handsome man she had never met
before with a large bag.
"Good morning" the man said, smile permanently implanted onto his
face. "I wonder if could persuade you to spare a moment of your time
for me to demonstrate to you the wondrous and innovative features that
this, the Elelctovux Model TI8550-XE has to offer you, the casual home
owner?"
Now Mr Jones would never have won any beauty pageants, in fact it was
quite easy to say that it looked as if he had in fact been smacked up
and down the local high street with the ugly stick. This was seventy
percent of the reason why Mrs Jones let the young, handsome,
attractive vacuum cleaner salesman into her home to demonstrate the
wonders of the Model TI8550-XE
The young man made his way into the front room and opened his bag
revealing the true configuration of the illustrious hoover.
"Now this is a very popular model, all the professional house
cleaners are going for this one. It has what we like to call
our everything out or us refund deal, whereby we will refund
the entire price of the vacuome cleaner should it not manage
to live up to its reputation and remove every single one of
those odd house hold stains. This is a future proof
investment, its exactly what you need and without further ado
I will demonstrate the awesome power that this vacuum cleanser
possesses"
The young man looked down and commented on the lovely carpet Mrs Jones
had. It was true, it was a lovely carpet that Mrs Jones had. Her
husband had picked it out himself from a catalogue of expensive
Persian carpets. According to the catalogue it was worth a mint and
she had been taking extra special care not to ever spill anything on
it that could possibly cause a stain. She told all this to the
salesman and he nodded and agreed, telling her that he had one just
like it and that he took exactly the same amount of care with his
He then reached into his bag and grabbed out a collection of small
little pots with different coloured substances inside. He picked out
one in particular with the Phrase Red Wine written on it in black
texter.
"Now Im pretty sure that you wouldnt want any red wine
spilled on your carpet now would you Mrs Jones?"
"Of course I wouldnt!" She gasped
"Well OHHHH NOOOO!" he mock-screamed as he poured some of the
sample on to her Persian rug
"My god! What are you doing?!!" yelled Mrs Jones
"Never fear!" he said in a reassuring voice "the electrovux
TI8550-XE will take care of it and restore this carpet to its
ultimate former glory, if you think red wines a tuff stain to
get out at the moment, just wait till you get this vacuum
cleaner, never again will it bother you." Still smiling "Milk,
Blood, Oil and Paint, never again will they be a problem" he
said, pouring a small, but still devastating sample of each
onto the expensive carpet.
"And now Mrs Jones, the time you have been waiting for is
finally at hand, you are about to witness the miracle that is
this machine, you are about to see, first hand the power that
this collection of plastic and metal parts has, prepare, Mrs
Jones to be amazed"
The man walked over to the power point and plugged the cleaner in, as
he did so his smile lit up even more (if that was at all possible)
like the power cord was connected to his facial mussels instead of the
cleaner. He hit the power button on the thing and grabbed the carpet
attachment like a man grabs a hidden assault rifle after being chased
down unarmed for the last ten miles by angry Israeli terrorists.
The vacuum cleaner burst into life and started sucking in through the
attachment on the end. Checking to see if the suction was up to full
power he started to attack the stains, tackling the red one first.
He gave the small patch a few passes, then a few passes more, then a
few passes more, then again, only a little harder, then he really
started rubbing it
"Just loosening it up" he said nervously, his smile quickly
disappearing, its original existence but a distant memory
He kept sweeping over the same spot on the expensive carpet, keeping
on failing over and over again. He moved onto the next stain but had
almost exactly the same amount of luck there as with the wine. He
tried the next one, and the next, but all to no avail.
The man looked at Mrs Jones, who was too horrified to speak,
preferring instead to let the deathly grim look on her face do the
talking.
"erm" he started,
But noticing Mrs Jones look he decided to say nothing and instead
quietly turn the cleaner off, look shiftily from side to side and then
run out of the front door, leaving Mrs Jones to admire the colourful
additions to her expensive rug.
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