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Addendum Issue 089
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Addendum Textfiles / 3.3 / Monday the 26th of May 2003
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Depression, by Steak
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The thing about depression that makes it so appealing to each and
everyone of us is that it's a problem.
We are by nature, a problem solving species,
When we come across a problem; like being hungry then we worry about
it until the problem is solved, in this case we get something to eat.
We become happy, the problem no longer exists and we get on with
finding the next problem to solve, like which brand of indigestion
tablets to take.
When we come across a problem with no easy answer or no answer at all,
like the origins of the universe, then we worry about it for a long
time and we never solve the problem. This annoys us, but we know the
problem is unsolvable, so most of the time it doesn't bother us.
When we come across a problem with an easy solution that hurts us,
like having to pay the gas bill, then we either face the music and
solve the problem (by paying it) or avoid it and worry about it
because the problem is still a problem.
Sadness sets in when we come across a problem that is unsolvable AND
hurts us. That same nagging is there, seemingly forbidding us to
forget the problem (the same as, 'oh shit, I havent paid the gas
bill, the collection agency men are going to come round any minute')
but at the same time the problem remains unsolvable.
The only thing to do in such cases as this is to try and attain that
same knowledge that the problem is unsolvable and hence time should
not be wasted trying to figure it out, it should just be one of those
things that we should accept and move on with.
Depression sets in when our ability to do this is hindered by the pain
we feel and the links that we feel are still tired to the problem.
Making it even more difficult to ignore.
Again, the only thing to do in a situation like this is to try to
realise that the situation is unsolvable and hence should not be
worried about, try to realise that you need to let go of the
depression.
It's just a little bit harder.
Depression is very hard to let go of because once it's taken its roots
it doesn't let go without a fight; this is because in the short term
depression feels beneficial. It's easier to be depressed, which feels
good in the short term, than to try and pull yourself out of it, which
sucks at first but is better for you in the long run.
It's like a blanket, you can wrap yourself up in it, it can make you
feel secure, if only for a little time. But like the el-cheapo brand
of coffee with the disgusting after taste, too much of it can really
give you the shits.
At the start it feels nice, almost nostalgic to wrap yourself up in
your warm depression blanket and remember things that happened or
worry about things that are going to happen.
But before you know it, itll have its hold over you again, and it
turns from being a nice warm blanket into an old sackcloth. And that
sucks.
So you need to force yourself away from your blanket, it can take
surprisingly little time to decide not to let yourself go back. One
moment you can be feeling like absolute shit, combined with the
feeling that your never going to get out of this, the next you can be
feeling on top of the world, absolutely sure that you'll never let
yourself fall for it's old tricks again.
But the blankets tricks are getting better and better, your fighting
yourself here and who in the world knows you better than your own
mind? Every time you think of a new strategy for dealing with the
problem your mind already knows what it is and is working on a way of
defeating it. Like disguising your blanket as 'thinking of the good
old times' or something like that, so you'll wrap yourself up again
thinking that its ok, just for a little while and before you know it
youll be back in the blanket.
If this happens, then once your back inside the blanket you may get a
feeling of deja-vu like you have been there before and that your stuck
in the same never ending cycle of sadness.
This is because it is true, you ARE stuck here again, you ARE
repeating the same cycle, you need to grab a hold of that feeling of
repetitiveness and prosper it, you have to let it develop and grow
into a rebellion against the sadness.
If you dont, you will continue to play out the same thing over and
over again until you break the cycle. You can only do that by
eliminating the source of the problem (solving the problem) or moving
on from the problem and rejoicing, as it becomes a non-issue.
In the end you are constantly being bombarded by chances to leave the
blanket, to solve the problem, to break the cycle. But it has to be
YOU who takes the first steps, YOU who puts in the hard work or else
it will never get done and you will continue to re-live the same
bullshit every day, over and over again for the rest of your life. And
believe me; that will REALLY suck.
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