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Anarchist Tendencies Issue 12
THE WORLD'S BEST SELLERS - June, 2070 AD.
10. Sexual Satisfaction From Pollinating Flowers - D. Destroyer
9. If you can't whip them, beat them. - F. Fred
(A collect of poems dedicated to the Dairy Industry.)
8. 101 Phreaky Things to do Alone in Bed - T. Cab
7. The Kama Syn - Synful Publishing Corp. - Ms SYN ...
6. How to be the Complete Bastard. Vol III - M. Avenger
5. How to make three inches look like NINE. - R. Blaster
4. Macros Made Easy - F. Prefect
3. Alcoholic's Guide to the Universe. - F. Fred
2. Sex At 47,000 feet - J. Alderman
_____/| ____
/ ___ | | /
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| |__/| | | | | \_/ | |
| | | | | | ___ | |
/ __ | \ \ | | | | | |
| | \| \ \/ _/ | | / /
| | \__/ | | | |/|
| |__/| |_| |____|
|_____ |
-'
_____
/ _ \ ___ _ __
/ / \ \ | |___ _____/ | ______ / \
/_ / \ | | __ \ / __ | / ___ | | / _____
| |___| | | / \ \ | / \ | | | \ | | | / _ \
| ___ | | | | | | | | | | | | / | | \_ \\_|
| / | | | | | | | | _| | | \__/ | | | \ \
| | | | |_| |/ \ \_/ | | ___/ | | __ | |
/__| | | \___/| | \ |____ | | __ \ \/ /
\___\ | | \_____/ \ \/ / \___/
/|________/ | \__/
/ __________/
\_|
P R O U D L Y P R E S E N T . . .
2 0 1 5 ' s N u m b e r ONE B e s t S e l l e r . . .
T h e S t a r - S t u d d e d , S t u d - S t a r r i n g . . .
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| and stories about other perverts. |
| |
| Written by Ford Prefect, Fearless Fred, and introducing |
| Avalon. |
+-+ +-+
| +---------------------------------------------------------+ |
+-+ +-+
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
/////////////////// W A R N I N G ! ///////////////////////
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
_
# # # ###### # # ####### / \
# # # # # # # # /___\
# # # # # # # # // \\
###### ##### ## # # # / )0 0( \
# # # # # # # # / | A | \
# # # # # # # # \ \"""/ /
# # # # ###### ###### # # \ |"""| /
\ --- /
DANGER! This piece of literature has been found \ /
to contain toxic amounts of absolute \_/
bullshit.
+----+----+----+
AVOID SKIN CONTACT. | | | |
AVOID BREATHING FUMES. | 3 | W | E |
KEEP AWAY FROM FOODSTUFFS. | | | |
KEEP CONTAINED IN A LEAD-LINED HARD-DRIVE. +----+----+----+
+---------------------------------+------+ In case of
| |# | spillage, quote
| ANARCHISTIC TENDENCIES 12 | 0469 | number.
| | | <-------
+---------------------------------+------+
IN CASE OF ACCIDENT, PHONE THESE EMERGENCY SERVICES:
The Twilight Zone. 562-0686 ALL SPEEDS NOW RUNNING QBBS
The Burning Crucifix. 562-0938 ALL SPEEDS NOW RUNNING
P.I. RETURNS
Don't call Zen BBS. 899-6180 Most Speeds Not Running TBBS
on 4 lines anymore.
Doodz Domain. 646-5861 All Speeds 23 hrs a day!
Further Regions. 725-1923 All Speeds 23 hrs a day!
The Crossover. 367-5816 All Speeds 23 hrs a day!
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
_______---------------_________________---------------_______
|2 | 3|
| The Memoirs of Dianne | INTRODUCTION |
| Nichols. | I am writing this book for |
| | two reasons. The first is to |
| CONTENTS page# | quash those vicious rumours |
| | that are going 'round the |
| Introduction...............3 | boards. |
| My History and | Just because I'm now 102 |
| Hysterectomy............8 | DOESN'T mean I'm past it! |
| Men.......................20 | Let me tell you that the |
| Women.....................53 | only difference between the |
| Fruit.....................72 | new pro's and me is the |
| Animals...................85 | difference between vaseline |
| Vegetables...............107 | and poly-filla. I'M AS RANDY |
| Minerals.................129 | AS EVER! |
| Other things to try......135 | Secondly, having done it |
| Other things not to try..152 | with everything from A to Z |
| Getting kinky............170 | I now want to share my |
| | experience with others. For |
| (Cont on back page) | example, the new pervert may |
|_______---------------________|________---------------_______|
____________________________________________________________
/ | \
| | |
| O | Rough Draft - My Memoirs. about page 10. |
| | ----------- ----------- |
| O | well. Also, I've traced my incestory back to the |
| | ^ANCESTRY |
| | United States. It was here that my family name, |
| | |
| | Nicholls, first appeared, as this was what people paid |
| | |
| | for a bit of nookie. |
| | |
| | My ancestors stayed in the USA until 1801, when they |
| | |
| | migrated to England. It was here, in a foggy Whitechapel|
| | |
| | street on the night of August 31st, 1888, that my poor |
| | |
| | great-great grandmother, Polly Nicholls (another pro. |
| | |
| | in my heritage) was murdered by Jack the Ripper. At |
| | |
| | least she died on the job, I always think it's the way |
| | |
| | she woold have wanted it |
| | ^WOULD |
| | Anyway, after her death, my shocked family left |
| | |
| | England to find greener pastures and softer beds in |
| | |
| | Australia, and even dropped one of the "l"s from their |
| | |
| | surnames. |
| | |
| | I, myself, was born on June 12, 1969, in my mother's |
| O | |
| | brothel. I was a real brothel sprout, and I suppose it |
| O | |
| | explains why it was inevitable that I "lost it" at age |
\___|_________________________________________________________|
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
Final draft - THE MEMOIRS OF DIANNE NICHOLS.
CHAPTER XXIII - DISAPPOINTMENTS.
Part I - Vagabond.
I think when Ze Prophet predicted that Vagabond was my perfect match,
it was the most absolutely incorrect thing he ever foretold. More of
a contradiction than a prediction.
I soon found out that the only thing Vagabond and I had in common
was that we were both like punctured tyres- Vagabond was never hard,
but I always wanted to be pumped, so our relationship was doomed
from the start.
I can still remember our first night together. We went to the Hairy
Clam, the official Evil Angels seafood restaurant [editorial
footnote- This restaurant is already open at 264C Swanston Street,
just above our cinema] which is managed by Fearless Fred in his spare
time.
--------------------------------------
EDITORIAL NOTE: It appears Dianne Nichols will remember little of
what went on in the restaurant, for her memoirs do not elaborate on
the evening. However, we have managed to get hold of the video tape
from the restaurant's security camera, so here is a description of
the events... [Tape Date: 24-01-54 19:32:21]
--------------------------------------
"Hello", said Fred as Vagabond and Dianne entered the foyer, "can I
help you?"
"We'd like a table for two", said Vagabond.
"Certainly, sir", said Fred, showing them into the main part of the
restaurant.
Fred seemed to be having difficulty keeping his hands off Dianne, so
he kept them occupied by fishing a notepad and pencil from his
pocket.
"Would you like to order now?", he asked Dianne, keeping his back to
Vagabond.
"I wouldn't mind tasting your salted mussel", said Dianne, looking
pointedly at Fred's groin.
"It would go quite well with a bit of a groper", hinted back Fred.
"Ahh, excuse me", said Vagabond loudly, tapping Fred on the back,
"I'd like to have crabs."
"Shuddup!", spat Fred as he span around and shoved a bread roll in
Vagabond's mouth, "I'm serving the lady!"
He turned back to Dianne, and said "If you want to try something
really novel, I could bring my eel out and flop it on the table."
Dianne could not help giggling, and Fred knew he was 90% of the way
to getting her away from Vagabond.
"I've changed my mind", announced Vagabond, "could you change that
order? I want a floured plaice instead."
Fred jumped around again and held a clenched fist under Vagabond's
nose. "It'll be a ploughed face you'll get in a minute! Now stop
interrupting!" Fred gesticulated in a way that would have made Basil
Fawlty leap away.
[Editorial note- if you own the restaurant, it's okay to behave like
Fred is now, but don't expect a tip. - FP]
"I think I'll..."
"What's there to drink?", asked Dianne.
"I'll just get the wine waiter", said Fred, "FORD!!! Fucking get over
here!"
Ford Prefect came from across the room and ogled at Dianne as Fred
headed towards the kitchen with the order. Originally, Fred, with his
vast knowledge of alcoholic amalgamation, was to be the wine waiter,
but then everyone else involved with the restaurant realised that
introducing Fred to the entire supply of alcohol in a restaurant
would be less sensible than introducing neutrons to uranium-235.
"Hello Dianne", said Ford, "can I interest you in an Orgasm?"
"Ford!", yelled Fred from across the restaurant, "she's mine! Just
serve her! Wines, NOT COCKTALES!"
Ford looked puzzled, "If she's all yours, why do you want me to...?"
He trailed off, then asked, "Did you say serve her, or service her?"
"I said SERVE her."
"Oh, right." Ford turned back to Dianne, and handed her a drinks
list.
"I recommend the cheap stuff. I think you'll like the Vino Plonko,
the Evil Angels special home brew. Avalon made it with his own two
feet!" [Which "two feet" we mean is open for speculation! - FP]
[The rest of the evening in the restaurant passed uneventfully,
except for two unfortunate (?) instances; one when Fred was setting
the table and Dianne asked for a fork, and one when Ford brought out
the wine and Dianne asked to taste his cork.]
--------------------------------------
The real let-down came when Vagabond took me home, and the time came
when he took his pants off. I almost burst out laughing when I saw
it! No jokes, his organ must have been the size of a half-sucked
tictac.
"Who do you expect to sexually satisfy with THAT?", I asked.
"Me, meeee!", he whined.
Well, he'd paid for me in advance, so there wasn't much I could do
except go ahead with it. I soon found out that he had worse rhythm
than a broken metronome. Believe me, his fucking was completely
knackered. Also, his knackers were completely fucked. I think I've
seen bigger balls on the heads on pins.
Part II - Disk Destroyer.
This guy made Vagabond look macho!
You know, I often think of penises as salada biscuits; Fred's is
man-sized, Masky's is snack-size, and poor little DD's is bite-size.
Did I say penis? Disk Destroyer's was more... more a "punyis".
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
+------------------------------+
Chapter 50 - The Karma Nichols
+------------------------------+
FROM THE MEMOIRS:
"The day after I had sexually gone through the alphabet for
the third time, I asked my keeper, Fearless Fred, if he could
find some knew ways to do it. For a long time, Fred racked his
brains. Then he jabbed them with red hot pokers, boiled them in
oil, and even put them in thumb screws, perhaps to get the
synapses closer than three centimetres.
Then he came up with the answer- he asked his friends and
made a lot of diagrams and notes. Here are a few of my
favourites..." - DN
POSITION # 29,224
The Vertical Position.
#####
#### o DIAGRAM: This position is most
### > suitable for two people.
### O
## / TIP: Best done by gymnasts.
_| |_
/ \ NOTE: This position is best in
| | | | Zero Gravity.
| | | |
| | '----,
/\ | \------' /\
/ \ | | / \
\/\ \ | | / /\/
\ \\ / / /
\ \\ /\_/ /
\ #| |### /
| | |# |
| | | |
/ | |_ \
| (___) |
| o o |
/ __ __ \
| / | | \ |
| | / o \ | |
| | | > | | | TECHNIQUE TESTING:
| | #o o# | | Dianne Nichols (lower pos.)
| | ######| | Sprite (upper pos.)
| | ##### | |
_| | ## | |_
/___/ # \___\
POSITION # 40,251
The Clock Position. +-----+
___________ |12:15| DIAGRAM: Note circular bed.
_/ ##### \_ +-----+ Available from Captain Sleeze
_/ #o o# \_ Bedding, cnr of Elizabeth and
_/ | < | \_ Collins. See Fizban, Tues or
| \ o / | Thu.
| ___| |___ |
| / \ | EXPLANATION: The male is the
| | | . . | | | hour hand, and acts as a
| | | __ | | __ "pivot" for the female or
'_____| |_/ \| |____/ \ #### minute hand, who of course
( | \_/ \_/ _######## rotates in a clockwise
`-'------\___ _ _ _ ####### direction. Really
,-,------/ |--###### adventurous groups in
(_|_______ ______ \ # which the female doesn't
| \__/| \ \--\ mind anal sex form a
| | | | | \____/ threesome and include a
\_ __| | | |__ _/ second hand.
\_ (____| |____) _/
\_ _/ NOTES: A lot of lubricants are
\_________/ essential, else the guys will twist
something (possibly off).
TECHNIQUE TESTING: Simple Sparks (hour hand)
Dianne Nichols (minutes hand)
Thelonius Monk (second hand)
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
+---------------+
The Final Chapter
+---------------+
(What Dianne could never write in her memoirs.)
Dianne Nichols died on the 6th September 2074 aged 106.
She died, it is believed, of an overdose of aphrodisiacs.
In accordance with Dianne's Last Will and Testicle, she was buried on
the cemetery planet Kitalpha IV (local name Mortuas).
THE GREAT BBS CENTER ON THE PLANET MORTUAS.
+-------------------------------+
| # ## ::::::::::: |Shuttle
|# :::::::::::::::::: # # # |Pad 9.
| : # # # : # #| |
|# : # # # ## 1: # a +--:::-+
+--------+ : # # #: : # : |
|# # # # : # ## # : # : # ##: +------+
|# ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: bXXX|
|# : #: # : # : # # # #:::::::XXX|
| : : # : : # # # :::::
| : # : # : # : # # # # # # # : |
|# : : # : # # # : #2 # : |
| :::::: # # : ::::::::::::::::::::::: |
+-:+ ::::::::::::::::::::::: : # # # |
| # ## # # # : # |
| # ## ## # # : # # # |
+----------------------------:----------------------+
::::::: pathway # tomb stone.
a: SysOp's Knoll.
b: Caretaker's Hut # 1-8-1-4-69
1: The grave of Dianne Nichols.
2: The grave of Cefiar. (Originally John Doe #216)
Cefiar's body was found lying in Stevenson Lane, off
Lonsdale Street.
Copy of Official Police Report:
+-------------------------------------------------------------+
|MELBOURNE POLICE FORCE; REPORT FROM INVESTIGATING OFFICER. |
| |
|I +------------------+-----+-----+------+-----------------+ |
|N |Incident | Mo. | Day | Year | Time of Death | |
|C | MURDER | 8 | 15 | 2061 | APPROX 3:15 am | |
|I +-----------------++-----+-----+------++----------------+ |
|D |Discovered by | Time of discovery | Apparent cause | |
|E | | | of death | |
|N |Miss Ech!?, | 5:25 am | SUFFOCATION | |
|T |local hooker. | | | |
| +-----------------+--------------------+----------------+ |
| |Circumstances leading to death: | |
| | The body was found lying in a large, wet paper bag, | |
| |and the victim was apparently unable to break free | |
| |before his air ran out. | |
| | | |
| | | |
| +-------------------------------------------------------+ |
| +-------------------------------------------------------+ |
| |Suspects: | |
| | No strong suspects or leads, anyone in the BBS world | |
| |could have done it. Which just goes to prove what we | |
| |knew all along: Everyone who gets involved with BBSes | |
| |is a bit suspect. | |
| | | |
| +-------------------------------------------------------+ |
| Other circumstances: |
| |
| a. Body was found in Stevenson Lane. Forensics indicate |
| body had not been dumped here; incident took place where|
| body was found. |
| |
| b. Evidence of a struggle, rules out suicide. |
| |
| c. Death foreseeable for this man, rules out a practical |
| joke gone wrong. |
| |
| d. Strangely, the body carried no ID. |
| |
| e. Effects of victim: |
| - Little black book (empty) |
| - Black imitation leather wallet. |
| - Dog shit in wallet. (The missing ID?) |
| - $27.58c in wallet. |
| - Unused Prophylatic, USE BY DATE 24/6/1989 |
+-------------------------------------------------------------+
|Investigating Officer INSPECTOR OVTITS, Melbourne Police |
| |
+-------------------------------------------------------------+
The body was then removed to the city morgue, where it was
registered as John Doe #216. When the body was to be given a
standard "unclaimed body disposal" (ie corpse in a cardboard
box, put in the hold of a Boeing 747 until the aeroplane
self-cremates, ashes sold to Poms as novelty cricket mementoes)
it was discovered the body would not fit in even the largest
grocery box available. A quick thinking necrophiliac mortuary
attendant gave the body an enema, and then the body could fit in
a matchbox. This aroused suspicion, and some checks were done,
and the body was positively identified as Cefiar.
3: Tombstone marking the resting place of The Bogan. The Bogan
died in the Earth year 2077 AD, due to sexual exhaustion.
Because The Bogan spent much of her time on Shuttle Refuel
Beacon #223, her dates of birth and death are, on her grave
stone, written in the Beacon's own time-measuring system.
In this system, The Bogan lived from 59 to 509 Beacon
tera-rotations. Unfortunately, the mason who etched her epitaph
decided to record the dates in Roman numerals, so the
inscription now reads:
_____________
/ -o- \
| |
| THE |
| BOGAN |
| |
| LIX |
| DIX |
| |
|_____________|
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
+-------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| SO. You want to have sex with Dianne Nichols? |
| To be eligible, honestly take the following quiz and check |
| your score at the end. |
| |
| QUESTIONS: |
| |
| (1) "Doggy style" is... |
| |
| (a) ....errrr, um, what was the question again? |
| (b) My bone in your mouth. |
| (c) Great when you both want to watch TV as well. |
| |
| (2) What is the best form of contraception you use? |
| |
| (a) Bailing out at the last moment. |
| (b) Condoms. |
| (c) Piece of gladwrap. |
| |
| (3) Is your penis the consistency of |
| |
| (a) Titanium? |
| (b) Lead? |
| (c) Mercury? |
| |
| (4) Do you like Bondage? |
| |
| (a) No. |
| (b) Yes. "The Spy Who Loved Me" was my favourite. |
| (c) If you bring the nylon rope, I'll bring the cat o' |
| nine tails. |
| |
| (5) Are you good in the 69 position? |
| |
| (a) Did my face look like a glazed doughnut this |
| morning? |
| (b) Is that something to do with Tattslotto? |
| (c) I'm too embarrassed to find out. |
| |
| (6) Do you compare your sexual prowess to being equal to |
| or less than that of... |
| |
| (a) Taxi Cab? |
| (b) Disk Destroyer? |
| (c) None of the above? |
| |
| (7) Have you ever been on the floor all night with a member |
| of the opposite sex? |
| |
| (a) Yes, but that WAS during the finals of the Melbourne|
| ballroom dancing championships. |
| (b) No, but I have played with my own member for about |
| that long. |
| (c) Yes, and aren't those carpet burns terrible? |
| |
| |
| SCORING (in one sense of the word) |
| |
| [1;a:0,b:1,c:3][2;a:1,b:3,c:0][3;a:3,b:2,c:1][4;a:0,b:0,c:3]|
| [5;a:3,b:0:c:-5][6;a:-5000,b:-2500,c:3][7;a:0,b:1,c:3] |
| |
| if you scored: |
| |
| LESS THAN 0: |
| "You have the sexual proficiency of a used |
| IUD. I suggest suicide" - DN |
| |
| BETWEEN 0 AND 17: |
| "You're too far below my standard. Try a |
| few weeks of Training Videos and maybe you'll do for an |
| ordinary deviant" - DN |
| |
| GREATER THAN 17: |
| "Call 562-0686 NOW!" - DN |
| |
+-------------------------------------------------------------+
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
===================
R E M E M B E R !
===================
----- /\
/|\ ||
| / \
| /_ _\
| |o o|
10 inches! | /\ |
| | ^^ |
| _|(==)|_ __
| / | | \ ||||
| / /| |\ \ / / __
| / / | | \ \/ / / \
| | | | | \__/ |
\|/ \ \| | |
----- \(======) \__/ C A P T A I N
/ /\ \ __ -------------
/ / \ \ / \ C O N D O M
/ / \ \ |
( | | ) |
| | | | \__/
__| | | |__
{_____} {_____}
About to have sex with a whore/slut/bitch ?
Then call Captain Condom (CC), he's always
ready and willing to save you from the
Vicious Dark (VD), his number one enemy!
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
__ __ ___ __ __ __ / ___
| | | | | | | \ | | | | | | |
|__| | | |_ | |__/ |__| | | |__| |__
| | | | | | | \ | | | | | | |
| | |__| __| | | | | | |___ | | | ___|
__ ___ _____
|\ /| | | | |
| \/ | | | |__ |
| | | | | |
| | |__| __| |
__ __ __ __ __ _____ ___ __
| \ | | \ | | | | \ | | | \
|__/ |__ |__/ | | |__ |__/ | |__ | |
| | | \ \ / | | \ | | | |
| |__ | | \/ |__ | | | |__ |__/
by Ford Prefect.
------------------
In recent months, the sexually related crime rate in the BBS
community has jumped by 900%. It has been calculated that a lewd offer
is made to a female user every 7.3 minutes, and she's really getting
tired of it! (Aren't you Julie?)
THIS EDITION'S EPISODE:
WHO HAS BEEN PUTTING HOLES IN THELONIUS MONK'S CONDOMS?
=======================================================
The name's Ovtits, Inspector Ovtits to my clientele. As the
sharper of you may have gathered from the sign on the door, I'm a
private detective. Peeping through keyholes and bedroom windows a
speciality. One of my more fascinating case began one morning while I
had my feet propped up on the desk and I was contemplating a cigarette.
The door opened, and a very agitated Thelonius Monk walked in.
"Please", he begged, "you've got to help me."
I eyed him cooly. "And what might you problem be, the main one anyway?"
"Well", he said, sitting down, "it's like this, I've been having sex
with these girls, and after the last one, I realised the condom was
leaking! At first I thought maybe the baby oil had rotted the rubber
or the friction had torn it, but then I checked the others I had, and
they where all the same. I haven't had it off with those girls for a
week now, and I'm getting desperate!"
"So", I said, checking that I had understood him correctly, "those
condoms had holes in them, so now there's no condoms in those holes?"
"Right, that's exactly it. Can you help me find out who sabotaged them?"
"I can solve any crime I'm paid for", I assured him, "let's start with
revenge as a motive." I swung around on the swivelling chair and went
over to the filing cabinet. I shuffled the manilla folders around, and
pulled out the one I was looking for.
"This is your file", I informed Mr Monk.
"I thank heaventh", Monk lisped, "you've found it! And my poor nailth
are in a terrible meth." He flexed his fingers.
"Are you queer?", I confronted him.
"Well", he said, returning his voice to normal, "there's a little gay
in every guy. What's written about me in there?"
I opened the file, it was a very short one. (Like Masky's penis) "Not
much. A brief personal history, photofit picture, hmm, a police
record... involving a certain incidence last year."
"That's not fair!", protested Monk, "in the Middle Ages before they had
latex, the intestines of sheep were always used as condoms."
"I believe that was after the sheep had actually died", I said
delicately, "and then been gutted. Could the proprietors of... `the
Daisy Hills Sheep Farm' be wanting to get back at you?"
"No, they got all the fines they wanted after the trial."
"`Bestiality'", Monk said bitterly, "god did that look good on my
dossier. Still, we're living in the '80s, all sorts of weird things are
happening. Hairstyles look like hedgehogs, girls are pumping iron, guys
are pumping plastic. What is the world coming to?"
"Mr Monk", I said, leaning forward over my desk, "May I ask, where did
you buy the leaky condoms?"
"Sure, go ahead."
"Where did you buy the leaky condoms?"
"I got them from the dispensing machine in the Elizabeth Street
toilets. I often hang 'round there."
After my new client, Mr Thelonius Monk, had left, I went straight to
the GPO and descended the stairs into the male lavatories. It was here
I questioned the attendant, a Mr Brett McMoron, who apparently was
always pottering around in the loos somewhere. I found him reading the
Trading Post...
"Yes, I know him, the $'&(*$ $ ( %!"
"I take it then you didn't like Mr Monk?"
"Too right. You see this black eye? He did that."
"Oh, what exactly happened?"
"A little argument. He got pretty mad at me when I told him he
wasn't to do colonic irrigation in here anymore."
"Tell me, are you the only one who can open that condom dispenser
over there?"
"Yep, well, usually. I broke my key six months ago though. I was going
to get the master key off the guy who refills the machine but I was
away the day he came. Medical reasons, you know."
"I'd heard you were pretty sick. What was your complaint."
"One of those `Rare African' variety of diseases. Every time I sneezed
I had an orgasm. I went and saw... I think it was Dr Bowen, and he
gave me some snuff for it."
At that moment, Satan's Daughter came skipping down the stairs, and
four guys suddenly became aware of how cold the metal urinal was.
"Oh dear", said Satan's Daughter, "I've gone into the wrong loos again.
Sorry fellas!"
Satan's Daughter hurried up the stairs, and I wiped the drool from my
mouth, commenting, "I'd love to see her suspended above my bed in a
steel harness. Then I'd roll my tongue around her naval and suck out
the naval fluff... oh!"
"I once did that to Fire Fox", said Simple Sparks as he approached, "so
think up something original. I had her in the 6.9 position once, too."
"6.9?", I asked, "don't you mean the 69 position?"
"No, we were interrupted by a period. Hi Brett, I've just come from
stall number three, and there's no toilet paper!"
"Oh, god", groaned Brett, "there's none left. Here, take my newspaper
and use that."
Sparks looked doubtfully at the proffered paper. "I'd rather use my
hand. If I wipe with the "Trading Post" I might catch ads."
I went over to the dark corner where the condom dispenser was and
examined it. A large sign on it identified the machine as a "Franger
Mark 80 Condom Dispenser." I knew from my condom machine identifying
handbook this little baby could hold up to 365 prophylactics- enough to
make into a car tyre and call it a good year. Taking out my magnifying
glass, I examined the lock, and determined it had definitely not been
tampered with. I also noticed the side of the dispenser was scored with
a number of what I assumed were tiny cigarette burns.
Then I noticed a figure lurking in the corner.
"Who are you?", I confronted the figure, "identify yourself!"
"Alex Rogan", came the reply, as the figure stepped closer.
I sniffed. "You been smoking, Rogan?"
"Why, am I on fire? Ha ha!"
I didn't laugh. Instead I took out my photofit picture of Monk.
"You know this man?"
Alex Rogan took the picture and studied it briefly. "Yeah, I know
Thelonius Monk, the bastard."
"Why do you call him that?"
"Well, it was a few weeks ago when I met him. He was buying some
condoms, and I was over there reading a porno... and he comes over,
and..................
---------------------------------------
MONK: What's that you've got?
ROGAN: Deviant's Dictionary. Has a definition for just about every
user on the boards.
MONK: Yeah? Give me a look.
ROGAN: Hey! That's mine!
MONK: "N, N-I ... Nichols, Dianne: noun. Rather like a ray of light
refracting from water to air- deviated away from the normal.
ROGAN: Will you just give that dictionary back!?
MONK: Hmm, "D-O-R..... Dorter, Satan's.... hey, it doesn't have
an entry, just a reference. "See under `Star Hawk'", just
what's that supposed to imply?
ROGAN: Are you giving it back or what?
MONK: C... Cab, Taxi: laxative, yeah, I can believe that. Hey,
what's that ad on the back page? Hey, the new Latex Lady
model, I didn't know you could get them in Australia yet.
ROGAN: You can't, you have to order them from overseas. I'm going to
get one sent for a good lay.
MONK: One cent? I wouldn't even pay that! From what I've heard you
bang so often girls get headaches just talking to you.
ROGAN: Fuck you!
---------------------------------------
....and so then he kneed me in the groin and nicked off with my book!
I'll tell you something, I'll make him sorry."
"Hmm, that's very interesting, thanks for telling me that", I said,
thinking.
I bounded up the stairs, only pausing half-way to turn and announce,
"Just remember fellas, three shakes and it's a wank."
Returning to street level, I found myself eyes to nipples with the
biggest set of milk containers I had ever seen. On close examination,
one might have said one breast was a little smaller than the other, but
being an optimist I knew better. Taking a deep breath, I steadied my
hands, pushed my eyeballs back in their sockets, and rolled up my
tongue. Then I asked the young lady a few questions.
"What's your name?"
"Julie."
"Cunt you- err, can't you be a bit more specific?"
"Julie Alderman."
"And just whore do y- where do you think you are, Julie? Isn't this a
slutly- um, slightly suss place for a beautiful piece of crump- for a
girl like you to be seen loitering?"
"I have some information for you", she said, ignoring my question,
"about your Thelonius Monk case. But I can't talk to you here, there
are too many people about. Meet me tonight at eleven o'clock in the
city square."
"Hey baby, I'd meat you anytime, anywhere."
---------------------------------------
That night, I walked at a brisk pace down Collins street, and glanced
at my watch. The time was 10:53. I turned left into the city square
and began a slow circuit of the fountains, looking for Julie. I
suddenly heard a moan from near the graffiti board, and wondered if
Julie had company, but then I found her "company" had just left. I
found Julie lying on the cold ground, writhing in a pool of her own
blood. I'd heard of heavy spotting, but this was ridiculous. Running
over to her, I found her wounds were bad, but not as serious as I first
thought. I lifted her head and patted her cheeks, but she was clearly
unconscious. Putting thoughts of how much money I could save out of my
head, I ran to the street and flagged down a yuppie-mobile, and used
the car phone to call an ambulance.
---------------------------------------
"I'm afraid it's pretty bad", Dr Craig Bowen told me quietly, "she's
been bashed and someone's stabbed her in the breasts."
"Well", I sighed, "no use crying over spilt milk, I've still got to see
her and find out what she wanted to tell me."
"Well okay then", said Dr Bowen after a moment's thought, "but not for
long. She's just been given a sedative, and needs to rest."
Dr Bowen glanced at his watch, "Sorry, but I can't join you, there's
been a massive outbreak of VD in the Broken Legs Ward, and I have to
find out what's going on. I think it must be going round on our
crutches."
I opened the door to Julie's private hospital room. She was lying
limply in a sterile white hospital bed with bandages on most of her
visible skin. A male nurse was just recording her temperature on a
chart, and stepped back respectfully as I approached the bed.
"Hello Julie."
Julie opened a swollen, blackened eye, and seemed to look at me sadly.
She spoke in short gasps: "I'm sorry... so sorry..."
I turned to the nurse, "Did she get those black eyes from her
`experience'?"
"Well I don't think she's been trampolining recently!"
"Julie", I said anxiously, "who did this to you? Was it the person
who holed Thelonius Monk's condoms?"
"No...No, it was... 5th Dimension. One of my regulars. I don't mind...
mind the things he has me do... dressing up like little girls...
but... but sometimes he goes too far. Never mind... I'll get even...
there'll be a... nasty shock when he... he sees his next Bankcard
bill."
"What was it you wanted to tell me?", I asked slowly.
"Well... it's like this. Monk had just been over... having a good... a
good time with me... and I was going out when... I found he'd dropped
his... his little black book. He'd been two timing me... twenty timing
me... I was so mad I vowed revenge.. Anyway... I got my purse and the
book... and I was going to see him. Going down stairs... I passed my
neighbour's flat... Dr Who's flat... and I noticed the door was... was
ajar, which... was strange since I knew... he was out... since that
morning. He never pulls the door... shut properly."
Julie slumped back in her bed, panting from the effort, and her head
beginning to nod because of the sedative.
"What happened then Julie", I insisted, "you must tell me."
"I went inside. I... found the room empty... But then I saw
something... which caught my... my... my interest. I put my things down
and... and wondering... what it could be, I... went cautiously... over
to his workbench, cocking my head,... perhaps... It was some... sort
of machine. It looked like a science-fiction... weapon. There was a
piece of... paper stuck to it. I read it... and now Monk's condoms
all... have holes I think the machine... had... something to do with
it. I've written down what was... on the paper. It's... in my handbag."
I quickly grabbed Julie's handbag, and went through it... biros,
address book, used tissues, tampons, large hat pit... and a piece of
paper.
+----------------------------------------------_____________
|D. Who - Technical Device Specialist. --+
| [Flat 3, 123 Gross St, St Kilda] |
|Order Form: |
| |
|To: ALEX ROGAN |
| |
| One (1) LASER based piercing device, hand-held. |
| (narrow beam) |
| |
| Mark appropriate box: |
| |
| +--+ +--+ |
| | X| solar operated | | portable power pack |
| +--+ +--+ |
| |
| +--+ +--+ +--+ |
| | X| C.O.D. | | Visa | | Altairian Express |
| +--+ +--+ +--+ _|
| _-
| Delivery date: ??? __--
| ____----
+----------------------------------------------
I wondered if this device could have punctured the condoms in the
machine that Monk patronised.
"If there anything else, Julie?"
"No... it was then... then I heard Dr Who coming... up the stairs..
so I grabbed my purse and hightailed... it out of there... and... and
on the way out... I noticed a pho... photograph on the wall... showing
the Doc... making love with, with... a chair leg... Oh... I'm so...
tired......."
"Julie, one last thing. Did you ever actually see Monk again after that
day? Julie?"
"No.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
"I'm sorry sir", said the nurse, "she'll be asleep until late
tomorrow."
Disappointed, I went home and slept off the night's drama until late
afternoon.
---------------------------------------
Refreshed, I drove into St Kilda and went to interview Dr Who about his
devices.
"Yes", he said, "I did build an instrument like that for Rogan, but
what's it to you? If you damn detectives were doing your jobs
properly you'd have worked out who broke into my house when I left the
door unlocked and flogged one like it from the back room! You're so
bloody slow!"
"Tell me, has anyone else bought or stolen a device?"
The Doc shrugged, "No."
In a flash of intuition, I suddenly realised who had put holes in
Monk's condoms. I was certain everything everyone had said was true,
so it could only be one person. The next day I invited everyone who
was involved in the case over to my house for drinks. I didn't know
what to expect when I made my accusation, so I prudently slipped a
gun into my pocket. Thelonius Monk was the first to arrive.
"Have you got any information for me?"
"Yes, I'll tell you later. Ah, the others are here. Monk, let me
introduce you to the man of the Lavatory Kingdom, the biggest King I
know... Brett McMoron."
Brett stepped in, and I continued.
"And now the man of the Pornography Empire, the biggest Emperor I
know... Alex Rogan."
"Hello all", said Rogan, and I continued again.
"And thirdly, from the great Sex-Starved Country, the biggest Cun-
well, anyway, Julie Alderman."
Julie stepped in, and I greeted her. "Glad to see you, Julie."
"Oh, and I thought you had a gun in your pocket!"
"Huh? Oh, one last person: Doctor Who."
The doctor stepped in, and everyone sat down while I handed out vodka
martinis. Then I explained Monk's problem to those who didn't know
about it, and, dramatically, made my accusation.
"The person responsible for this heinous crime is sitting in this
very room. I refer to n{ne oth{r t{~n th~{{_{~@ {{^{~~{~ {-{'{~"
Don't you hate line noise?
SOLUTION NEXT FILE
Meanwhile, send your guess as the culprit to:
Either Or
Fearless Fred, THE MASKED AVENGER,
C/o The Twilite Zone, C/o The Burning Crucifix,
(03) 562-0686 (03) 562-0938.
(All Speeds to 2400) (All Speeds to 2400)
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
====================
Anarchistic Health
====================
By Avalon ..
Welcome to a new series written by our newest reporter.
This month Avalon .. explores how to remain in top
condition through a healthy diet. - Ed.
Having trouble getting/maintaining a healthy 'beer' stomach
or just gaining weight? Well here's the diet for you!
Think back to the good ol' days when a man was judged by the
quality of his beer gut, the days when big was beautiful and
guys could be proud of their stomachs. Well now is the time
to make your mark on the fashion industry. Do something about
bringing back all those good ol' times.
For our dedicated readers, we present a course on turning your
currently slim, vitamin packed, aerobic body into a temple to
Bond Breweries and APD snackfood.
+------------------------------------------------------+
|The =================================== |-+
| E V I L A N G E L ' S D I E T | |
| =================================== | |
| | |
| By Avalon .. | |
+------------------------------------------------------+ |
+------------------------------------------------------+
A sure path to a healthy mind and a lovely body.
+------------==================-------------+
| D R I N K S |-+
+------------==================-------------+ |
+-----------===================-------------+
Getting Started.
------------------
To start with, I present the alcohol intake schedule.
This allows you to plan ahead what you should be drinking
and when. This however, only applies to drinks that YOU buy.
NEVER refuse a drink from someone else.
To many, drinking is an institution and comes before all other
things. [I'd maybe make one exception to that -Ed] Drinking is
far more important than eating. It has been proven that you can
live on liquids without food longer than you can live on food
without liquids. The food could be looked on as an added luxury,
but more on the food side of things next month.
Basic Drinking Planner
----------------------
+----------+---------------------------------------------------------+
| Monday | 4 units Fosters |
+----------+---------------------------------------------------------+
| Tuesday | " |
+----------+---------------------------------------------------------+
| Wednesday| 5 " |
+----------+---------------------------------------------------------+
| Thursday | 6 " |
+----------+---------------------------------------------------------+
| Friday | 5+ " , 1 bottle Southern Comfort |
+----------+---------------------------------------------------------+
| Saturday | 6+ " , " , I bottle Vodka|
+----------+---------------------------------------------------------+
| Sunday | <========== H A N G O V E R R E C O V E R Y =========> |
+----------+---------------------------------------------------------+
The unit could be slab, can, stubby, etc. For example, take
Fred, for him the number might differ but the unit would be can.
If you work during the week, be careful not too drink so much as
to effect your work. This could lead to job loss and hence the loss
of the means by which to pay for your essentials! Note too, the
careful build up in alcohol intake as the weekend nears. This
prepares the body for the Saturday night/Sunday morning parties. To
this end it helps stop you from becoming paralytic. If you find that
when you wake up on Sunday you don't have a hangover then you didn't
drink enough the previous night, i.e. B-A-D party!
If we take the above unit to be a can or stubby then this could
well be a typical schedule for the average person. If you are a
yuppie or some other rich bastard then by all means change the unit
to a larger one, or the imported variety. Feel free to modify the
above schedule to suit your lifestyle.
Drinking is a skill that requires many months of preparation so as to
project the correct image, and condition your body. The first (and
probably most essential) skill to master is getting the drink from the
table to your mouth.
Some points to remember:
* Hold the glass in your hand.
* Bend your elbow as you raise the glass to your mouth.
* Open your mouth before pouring the liquid in.
Once you have mastered the art of getting the drink to your mouth
you should work on some other worthwhile skills.
* Drinking two glasses at once.
Essential if you get to parties late.
* Spilling your drinks so it looks accidental.
(Note! Try not to spill liquors or imported drinks.)
Essential for social drinkers. Three main uses for this skill:
1. Spilling your drink in the direction of those loud mouth ass
holes that infest good parties but no-one knows who invited
them. Of course diplomacy directly proportional to the size
of the person your drink is now covering should be demonstrated.
2. For good looking women that you just don't know how to pick
up, try dumping a glass of Midori on their lap, and asking if
they wouldn't mind you licking it up. [Whipped cream? -Ed]
3. People get used to you being unco-ordinated, and come to
expect you to spill your drinks. Can be used to your advantage
if you ever do accidentally spill one.
* Slurring words.
At the start of the party try slurring your words ever so slightly
when you are talking to people. As the night progresses you can
forget about intentionally slurring words.
* What to say when drunk.
"I'm not drunk osifer."
"I'm not under the affluence of incohol."
"I not as thunk as you drink I am."
"I like that odour arm de-underant you're wearing."
(Before passing out) "I thunk I had a luttle too mush tooo drunk."
* What not to say when drunk.
"My shout."
"Gllllrrrgggghhhhhhh!"
* Hangover Recovery.
There are three major ways to cope with hangovers.
1. Sit it out. This method is suited to the body builder types.
Make everyone think that your aren't hungover at all, and
eat a raw egg or three for breakfast. (Don't spew, ruins the
effect.)
2. Panadol and a good spew. Not the most elegant method, but lets
everyone know you were pickled the night before.
3. Stay drunk. Before you pass out the night before, make sure
you have at least half a dozen cans within arm's reach for the
morning. Before you open your eyes in the morning, drink two
or three.
Next month we explore the art of junk food eating - when, where and
how much.
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
=========================
C O M P E T I T I O N !
=========================
.------------. .------------.
,/ \, ,/||||| ||||||||\,
/ \ /||| ||||||||| ||||\
| .--. .--. | ||||||||||||||||||||
-------| O|=|O |------- /|||| | |||||||| |||\
( .--. '--' '--' ) ( | | | |||| || || )
/ '--- / \ /
\ / | | |
'-------' | | |
\ , , / \ /
\ '-__-' / \ /
\ / \ /
- - '- -' - - - - '----------' - -
/ \ / \
/ o o \ / \
| | | |
| | | |
| ,-, ,-, | | ,-, ,-, |
'-------' | | '-------' `-------' | | '-------'
| | | |
| | | () |
| o,o | | /\ |
| | | | | | | |
.--.| | | |.--. .--.| | | |.--.
\ | | / \ | | /
'----' '----' '----' '---'
This is a tricky one this month.
To win, all you have to do is name the person whose picture this is.
Leave a message to either Fred, C/o Twilite Zone (03) 562-0686, or
Masky C/o The Burning Crucifix (03) 562-0938 saying who you think this
is, and your dad's VISA or AMEX card number & expiry date and you'll
get a free invitation to the Evil Angel's Christmas Party.
Of course, friends, family, relatives, girlfriends, pets, next door
neighbours, and people that have met any member (or family member) of
any of the Evil Angels team is ineligible to enter.
Winners may or may not be notified, depends on how we feel at the time.
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
====================
Anarchistic Sports /
==================== /__
By Lightning Bolt. /
/
This month has seen another exciting month of Anarchistic
Sports. With the second round of the Victorian Bullshit Spinning
League being held, I decided to head ringside to cover all the
action from the night's feature; the Tag Team match between the
AMF (Rishi Mehra and Turbo) versus Cefiar and Taxi Cab.
Cefiar and T.C. entered the ring as odds on favorites, with
their reputation for spinning cronic bullshit, it was expected
the newcommers to the ring would be quickly outclassed.
As I cracked open my thrid tinny, I noticed The Lensman in Bay
13 was just beginning to get into his famous drunken frenzy. The
AMF team headed into the ring through a hail of empty fosters
cans.
Pleasantries aside, each team headed to their respective corners
and the match began. T.C. was leading off for the veteran's
team, with Rishi Mehra leading off for the AMF.
Rishi appeared rather subdued, and T.C. took the oportunity to
start of with one of his famous lines about his dad's sicopaths
attacking him. Rishi's defence was amazing. He just stood there
and ignored T.C. and began by calmly. "I own an IBM PS2 model
120 which has a 386 processor running at 80 Mega Hertz! It has
micro channel architecture, but has a measly 120 Meg hard disk
but had VGA graphics and a multi-sync monitor."
I was surprised to see Taxi take this so well, maybe he'd been
sparring with Cefiar, or maybe he just didn't understand a word
of it. Rishi seemed a little off guard as he went to tag Turbo,
Taxi hit him with a wopper! "My Amiga has a Netcomm Trailbrazer,
and I download Gigabytes from the States for FREE!"
Luckily, Rishi had managed to tag turbo. Turbo entered the ring,
and headed for Taxi's rear, maybe to cut off his escape, or
maybe he just liked the view from that angle. Turbo began with a
cutting comment, "My IBM has a Netcomm M5, and I download Tera
Bytes from the moon and they pay me to do it!"
Taxi was clearly upset with this. He seemed to have been
momentarily stunned and Turbo began a full offensive; "Your mum
is a really good fuck!" sent Taxi into the ropes, where he
managed to tag Ceriar. This was turning into a really good
match.
Cefiar entered the ring, as T.C. staggered under the ropes.
Turbo was about to launch another attack but Cefiar got in
first. "My computer is a Cray XMP... "
He was about to continue as the bell sounded marking the the end
of the first half. An interesting note at this point is that
team matches are played in 10 minute halves whereas individual
matches are played in five minute quarters.
The evening's half time entertainment was supplied by The Masked
Avenger. I think everyone got a good laugh from his strip tease
act. Fifth Dimension entered the stage with his banjo and began
busking, but decided to leave the stage after the only donations
he was receiving was the empties from Bay 13. He headed off in
the direction of the local kindergarden, maybe hoping to score
better there.
The teams entered the ring again looking refreshed. Cefiar and
Rishi Mehra clashed head to head as the bell rang, luckily
Rishi's jocks didn't come off. Cefiar took the offensive, taking
up where he left off in the first half. "My computer has 120
Tetra bytes of hard disk, and I have ten thousand users and 50
thousand calls a day, and 30 million billion programs available
for download." Rishi reeled away as the full impact of the
Cefiar's attack hit him. Only just managing to tag Turbo he fell
out of the ring.
Turbo eagerly entered the ring and was immediately hit by Cefiar
with an brilliant and unexpected attack "I scored 380 for my HSC
Anderson Score." This was the work of a professional Bullshit
Spinner. An excellent change of topic which caught Turbo off
balance. He quickly followed it up with "... and I was offered a
Rhodes' Scholarship, except I don't drink beer, so I had to
refuse."
Turbo hit the floor, and for the first time thus far the crowd
began to really get involved in the match. Cefiar added to
Turbo's agony by saying "I've lost my virginity!" and tagged
Taxi Cab.
As T.C. enetered the ring, the Bay 13 Boys began cheering.
Partly because they were really enjoying the match, but mostly
because the full can of fosters I threw at him impacted squarely
in his groin. T.C. was down, and Turbo was crawling back to the
corner where Rishi eagerly accepted the tag. Cefiar looked on
helplessly, as Rishi entered the ring.
Rishi didn't waste any time, and began with "I have a million
zillion disks full of pirated games in my bedroom." Rishi
quickly continued, and, although inexerperienced, was able to
effectively get another good attack in with "and I wrote a virus
for the Amiga in BASIC, and it only took me 5 minutes, and ...
and ... "
Rishi made a fatal mistake, getting stuck for words he gave TC
the chance to make a come back. T.C. grabbed the oportunity.
"I called the States last night and talked to a couple of
hundred of my MATES!"
Taxi's superior Bullshit Spinning abilities were obvious. Not
wasting any time he went on. "And then I bought myself a Corvett
using Alan Bond's gold AMEX card."
It looked as if that was it. Rishi collapsed. Turbo was leaning
desperately into the ring, but just couldn't reach Rishi. Taxi
finished him off with "Disk Destroyer told me how to fuck a
girl, and she said I was the best she'd ever had!"
Taxi started about his exploits with twins, two pairs of
handcuffs and a feather when the umpire interupted the match on
humanitarian grounds, awarding the match to Taxi and Cefiar.
Overall it was a hard hitting and exciting clash this month.
Next month we'll try to cover the girls in the mud wrestling
match, which could get pretty dirty. Hopefully, I'll also have
an interview with the Masked Avenger.
Other results this month
------------------------
Paranoia: "Stuart Gill": 1
Politics: Australia: -1.8 Billion
Pimples: Cefiar: 3
Cadet Ace: 57
Prophilactics: Jake: 1 used, 1 new
Monk: 44 (this month)
Masky: 15 (last night)
"Stuart Gill": 0 (He doesn't need them
to have a good wank!)
Pedophilia: Fifth Dimension: 1
Masked Avenger: 0
Protests: Green Peace: 1
Protestors: Chinese Govt: 1874
Pissups: Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters: 2
Eliminator: 2
Fred: 1
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
=======================
This Edition's Awards
=======================
Sysop of the Month......(No prizes for guessing)... Craig Bowen
But this is the last time he gets it!
Who will it be next month?
Where's he gone? Award............................. The Lensman
Drunken Sysop of the Month......................... Fearless Fred
The "I Can't Keep A Deadline" Award................ Fearless Fred
[That's only because you don't work on Eastern Standard Fred Time -ED]
Quality Control Award.............................. Ford Prefect
Hoon of the Month Award............................ Satan's Daughter
I'm Famous Because I was on the Radio Award........ Disk Destroyer
I don't get drunk of the Month Award............... Vagabond
I'm a SysOp! Award................................. The Masked Avenger
Loser of the month Award........................... Rishi Mehra
Pedophile Award.................................... Fifth Dimension
I'm going to be be a Dad Award..................... Snatch Doctor
Druggie of the month Award......................... Acid Man
Tight Underwear of the month Award................. Acid Man
Slut of the Month.................................. The Bogan
[Masky's idea, I SWEAR IT! -ED]
Boring Award....................................... Big Foot
Eighteen Months Award.............................. Monk & ECH!?
Driver of the Month................................ Sparkie
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
+-------------------+
This Edition's Quotes
+-------------------+
Just for a change, all this months' quote are taken from
The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy - (Douglas Adams)
(Figure in Brackets is Page Reference.)
Robot 2 (161): "You must have a good time"
Arthur Dent (57): "...what are we going to do?"
Ford Prefect (191): "...screw the computer."
Marvin (43): "All right, I'll do it."
Zaphod Beeblebrox (104): "Go play with a nut."
Ford Prefect (113): "What, those two great furry things?"
Lintilla (215): "Feel it. Scratch it."
Student (222): "Oo, That feels nice."
FPRO (152): "Is there anything in particular you want?"
Ford Prefect (24): "...get hold of this rod!"
Zaphod Beeblebrox (202): "I'm pulling."
Roosta (150): "Here Zaphod. Suck this."
Arthur Dent (194): "...it's a mile long!"
Zaphod Beeblebrox (164): "You really know how to make a guy feel
inadequate"
FPRO (152): "Ah, delicious..."
Zaphod Beeblebrox (138): "...will you move before I blow it?"
Gargravarr (163): "My body wanted to come..."
Arthur Dent (156): "He's stumbling towards a crack..."
Arthur Dent (31): "Where are we now?"
Voice (110): "...deployed to your rear..."
Zaphod Beeblebrox (224): "Look what we found man."
Man (243): "Pussy pussy pussy"
Ford Prefect (62): "Desolate hole if you ask me."
Zaphod Beeblebrox (99): "...feel this surface."
Ford Prefect (100): "How do we get into it?"
Zaphod Beeblebrox (224): "Force it..."
Marvin (141): "It doesn't want to go up."
Ford Prefect (28): "...it's only a little one."
Ford Prefect (154): "Too hard! Much too hard!"
Zaphod Beeblebrox (191): "it's as slippery as..."
Garkbit (94): "Saliva, sir, saliva."
Zaphod Beeblebrox (162): "Where are you?"
Ford Prefect (30): "...under Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-
breasted whore of Eroticon VI."
Lintilla (214): "There are now nearly five hundred and seventy
eight thousand million of us."
Ford Prefect (64): "I could have hours of fun banging them..."
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
=======================
E V I L A N G E L S
=======================
At present, the Evil Angels team consists of the following:
FOUNDER: The Masked Avenger.
EDITOR: Lightning Bolt / Fearless Fred
AUTHORS: Fearless Fred
Ford Prefect
Avalon ..
ARTIST: Ford Prefect
LOGO BY: B.D.S. (The Yid)
PROGRAMMER: Vagabond.
(BSF Boys)
ASSOCIATE MEMBERS: Thelonius Monk The Lensman
Sprite Fizban
Disk Destroyer Ivan Trotsky
SYN ... Wodger Wabbit
FAVOURITE PEOPLE: Taxi Cab Blue Fox
(TO HASSLE) Captain Chaos Simply Sparks
Fire Fox Vagabond
Raster Blaster SYN ...
Disk Destroyer Ice Man (and Robbie)
Royna Masked Avenger
Julie Alderman Killer Tomato (Hi Stu!)
The Bogan Satan's Daughter (Mandie)
Cefiar Alex Rogan
Fifth Dimension Rishi Mehra
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
=======================
Disclaimer/Datclaimer
=======================
The authors have gone to a hell of a lot of trouble to ensure
that this file contains no offensive material. However, should
you find anything which you object to, STIFF SHIT! You can't
sue us!
This file is written with the intent of producing a humorous
file which will be enjoyed by everyone, and no offence is
intended towards any person or persons no matter how often or
in what context they are mentioned. As if you didn't know.
And just think, SYN ... only got mentioned three times!
+---------------------------------------------------------------------+
Evil Angels Will Return With Anarchistic Tendencies XIII
========================================================
"Who we gunna call? Oh NO! It's..."
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/ / / / /__/ ___/ /\ / / / / /__ / /__/ / /__
/ / / / /___ /__/ / \ /___/ /___/ ___/ / /___ / ___/
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