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Addendum Issue 062
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Addendum
URL: http://www.adden.tr.cx/
Issue# 62 : It could only happen to poor old Jimmi
31st May 2002
Author: Steak
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Addendum presents "It could only happen to a troll" a short story by
steak. I hope you enjoy it.
It was about 2:30am, naturally it was passed his bedtime but Jimmi was
psyched, he really was the best god dam troll you would ever meet.
It was true, he was the best he could piss anybody off you care to mention,
he liked forums, he would go there and post things just to piss people
off, he would go to the winamp forums and post about sonique, he would
go to the Christian forums and post as a Satanist, and to the satinest
forums and post as a Christian, he would go to the gay rights forums and
post as a homophobic, and he would go to the homophobic forums and post
as a gay rights liberator.
He liked to stir trouble, he was to weedy and week to stir it up in
real life, but from the relative safety of his little blue screen he
would piss anyone off that he possibly could, he was in every essence
a troll, he would even post adverts for AOL.
One day he was sitting at his screen posting on a Christian forum, he
went ahead and wrote
"DAM all you Christians!, when you die you will realise that your god
hates you, and you will descend to the after world were you will meet
your true maker, you will meet Lucifer himself, you will be his play
thing, unable to resist his temptation and you will understand that
all Christians are do-goody wankers and will forever burn on the
stakes of hell"
That should do it. he thought he pressed the 'post' button and watched
the little message come up "Thank you sPaWNOSaTaN731 your topic has been
posted, have a nice day and remember god loves you"
He suddenly had a very huge feeling of terror, it actually almost hurt
him it was so bad he felt the worst he had ever felt and he suddenly
knew that all was going wrong and very soon his life would be over.
He didn't know how he felt this but he just knew it to be true.
The feeling left him and he attributed that said feeling to a conscious
that seemed to have been developing inside of him recently, he squashed it
and decided to go for a walk down to the shops to cool him off and to see
if he couldn't get something to eat.
Ten minuets later he walked into his local 7-11 and headed straight for
the ice cream section, it was his favourite section, there he bought a
mocono bar, which was a generous amount of ice cream sandwiched between
two chocolate wafers, and a bottle of jolt cola, he had seen elite
people drink this on "hackers" and at the LAN parties he visited to
piss more people off at.
He then started on the walk back home he ran along the bike tracks,
he was elite, not at hacking, cracking, writing t-files, or
programming but at being a real bastard, he enjoyed the angry flames
he got off people, all he ever wanted to do was get a rise out of them
and he felt the best when he got this much needed retaliation.
He got to his house and looked at his watch, he had been a good hour,
that was more than enough time for many people to get angry and "reply"
to his posts. He started feeling really good again, that trade mark
feeling he always got when he read somebodys angry reply to one of his
posts.
He ran up the path and inside, he ran for the stairs eager to get to his
room and see what they had written about him
"JIMMI!!!" it was his mum "Where have you been?! I have been worried
sick, We had tea with out you, come and do the dishes!!"
Jimmi felt like hurling, "but mum!" he yelled "I'm doing this really
important bit of.....er...homework...yeah homework!"
His mum was a mature, striking individual with a lot of character,
pity she was as daft as a bat, "Homework can be done later jimmi,
right now you have household duties to attend to"
Jimmi reluctantly gave in, he walked over to the sink and started
doing the dishes, washing, scrubbing, drying, all the while he was
waiting for that one insult to flash at him on the computer screen,
he wanted, he needed it right there and then.
He finished the dishes in record time and ran up the stairs without
even saying goodbye, (or for that matter hello) to his mom. He got to
the top of the stairs and burst into his room, and pushed himself
into his chair.
To his delight he saw 17 unread messages waiting for him.
He nearly creamed his pants.
In ecstasy he started reading them one by one, being careful to read,
analyse and interpret every single message and insult. But something was
happening, with each one getting read he got less and less excited by
them , he had seen it all before, many times and this was no different,
he was becoming immune, resistant to the high, he started to get worried,
he quickly opened each mail, ten, eleven, twelve. each one was almost
exactly the same, "god loves you" "you are not ready for god" "I will
pray for you" they all said the almost the same thing, he wanted something
different. Fourteen, nothing, he wanted something to give him that high
that he longed for, fifteen, something to bring back that original awe,
sixteen, just once, just a taste...he quivered his pointer over the very last
post.
He wanted something different, he longed for it, he needed it. with a small
burst of energy that would have made only a small calico shubunkin envious
he clicked the button marked "read"
"You have obviously no idea of gods immortal power, you will die a small
lonely boy alone in a room filled with nothing but hate, I pity you I really
do, picking on helpless Christians like us, what can we do? you have no
balls, if you really want to piss somebody off why not piss of the master of
all evil? if you are game click here,
P.S. god loves you, you are not ready for him, I will pray for you
god bless"
That feeling started to re-surface for poor old jimmi, and he was very happy
about it, he quickly clicked the link which took him to a forum he had never
seen before, "We are the source of all evil" it read, "post here only if your
soul is one hundred percent evil"
Jimmi posted.
"you guys think you are evil ha! what can you do you guys make me sick, you
need real lives, you need to get something to do with your life and stop
masturbating, I fucking hate Satanists, why don't you get a job and stop
being depressed all the time, go get a girlfriend and actually grow
some balls, you guys think you are evil you are not, my cute pot-bellied-pig
knits things more evil than you, go and cause some death and destruction and
stop loitering around the internet you worthless pieces of shit!"
That should do it he reckoned and he went to hit the "post" button,
No sooner had he done it there was a very loud puff of smoke right after
which a massive red hand with one long slender middle finger with a long
black sharp nail poking right up into the air at him in a sort of
"up yours" gesture. After which some massive explosions rocked jimmis
little house and turned it into a mass of splinters and wood. Killing
everyone inside, simultaneously thousands of explosions rocked the houses
of anyone even remotely related to jimmi, just to make sure that nobody
would ever be born again like poor little old jimmi.
When jimmi awoke he found himself in a very hot dark stuffy place, he sat
up all around him all he could here were screams of pain and agony.
Some men in black leather suits forced him to his feet and pushed him up
to a table where a man was sitting with a piece of paper.
"you trolled on hell's message boards did you not" said the man
"WHERE AM I!" Shouted jimmi "HELP PLEASES LET ME OUT OF HERE I'M SORRY!"
"I shall take that as a 'yes'" said the man "welcome to hell"
the man ticked a name on a piece of paper and jimmi was forced along a
corridor with the two men, it was still dark and jimmi could not see in
front of him, suddenly his feat gave way and he found himself plummeting
down through the deaths of hell, he landed rather painfully on the apex
of a rather large triangular rock
Sitting in front of him was a large red man with a long black cape and
horns. And a t-shirt that read "FORUM KING"
"I want to welcome you to my humble abode" said the devil
"you will now be trapped here for ever and a day, and constantly in
excruciating pain, have a nice day"
The devil clicked his fingers disappeared and the pain kicked in, and
it never stopped, for eternity poor little jimmi felt the pain of a
touched men having all there bits chopped off, all he wanted to do was die,
but he couldn't for he was already dead.
He was only 13, so young.
At night if you listen just carefully enough they say you can still here
little jimmi's screams for mercy in the wind
And that my children, is why you should never troll on message boards.
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Addendum
(C) Steak May 2002
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