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Addendum Issue 055
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Addendum
URL: http://www.adden.tr.cx/
Issue# 55 : The gospal according to Steak
21th May 2002
Author: Steak
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Addendum presents "The gospel according to Steak" a short story and
theory on the apparent death of Jesus.
He was standing there before the court as he heard the crimes against
him, the priests were all baring false witness to him, this didn't
matter though, he knew why they were angry and it didn't matter that
they were lying, and that he was destined to crucifixion, in fact
that is what he had wanted and he quite enjoyed listening to them go
on about things he hadn't ever said, and from time to time he chucked
to himself at there anger and lies against him. It had all been planned
this way and he was ready for it.
Then one of the high priests turned to him:
"Answearest thou nothing? what is it which these witness
against thee?"
Talk against them? destroy this perfect plan, this man must be mad,
he thought to himself, if I was to say anything now all my hard work
would go down the drain.
He said nothing
The priest spoke again
"Art though the Christ, the son of the blessed?"
Jesus decided that now an answer would not make much difference, the men
had already made up there minds and had decided his fate, he thought
that he better keep up appearances and say something to this.
"I am: and ye shall see the son of man sitting on the right
hand of power, and coming in the clouds of heaven"
He had got used to spurting lie's like this, he had been doing it for
a large chunk of his life, ever since he realized that there were
an abnormally large number of people that were listing to his talks
and speeches. He had decided to stick with it to the very end,
managing to create so called miracles that were no more than
conjuring tricks but people actually believed he was the son god.
He had come to be something of a craze, people were in love with
him and they actually believed that he could cure them of illnesses,
he had done no such thing, they had just got better because they
believed in him so much that they wanted to feel better. But he
wanted to be more than just another crazy lunatic spouting prophases,
he wanted to be remembered and if this trick paid off he would be
remembered forever as the one true messiah, the one that had been
resurrected from the dead.
The high priest looked at him one more time
"What need we any further witnesses, ye have heard the
blasphemy what think ye?"
The entire room decided that he was guilty and that he was to put to
death and relief washed over him in an awesome wave, now it was set in
stone, the plan was in action. Finally he would be able to first get
rid of this burden that had been following him wherever he went and
secondly he would be remembered forever as the messiah that returned
from the dead and then went to heaven.
The next morning he was brought before Pilate. Pilate saw him standing
there before him and asked him
"Art thou the king of the Jews?"
Jesus thought it best to say as little as possible at this point.
"Thou sayest it"
the priests then went on for a long time detailing the lists of false
crimes they said he had committed. Then after the list was finished
Pilate addressed him again
"Answerest thou nothing? behold how many things they witness
thee"
Still Jesus said nothing. So Pilate had to be content with that, he
turned to his people, it was customary at this time of year, as a
show of good will to release one prisoner and spare him his life.
He asked them if they wanted him to release Jesus
Suddenly Jesus panicked, this had been something he had not been
ready for, what if the people took pity on him and released him
then he would have problems, all this work, all this planning
it would not be worth anything. But he needn't of worried
because those same high priests that had originally condemned
him were in the crowd and they insisted that the masses tell
Pilate to release a man named Barab'bas instead.
He had been lucky, it had gotten a little too close for comfort.
Now here he was being led away to be crucified, some head
strong solders started to mock him, they dressed him in a
purple robe and placed a crown of thorns on his head, and
spat on him then bowing on there knees and pretending to
worship him, shouting all the time
"Hail, king of the Jews!"
They then hit him and took off the robe. He didn't like being
hit, but if he was to get out of this then there would be much
he would put up with in the mean time. Besides, there was more
pain to be had, but he kept telling himself it would be worth
it in the end, when he was free from his burden and when they
were forever worshipping him he would be happy, and his wounds
would heal in time.
They then took him to a place called Gol'-go-tha which literally
translated means "place of the skull" there they stripped off his
cloths and hung him on the cross for all to see, they drove long
nails into his hands and through his feet, something which pained
him greatly and he screamed with pain and he cried, but he kept
telling himself that it was all for the greater good, just to get
away from it all.
He over heard chief priests saying that he had saved others so it
why could he not save himself? Maybe finally they were understanding
that he was not the son of god, maybe they realized that his life had
been a sham, this made him even more determined to complete his trick
He was now waiting for the sponge he had arranged to come to him, he
had told his friend to tell everyone else that the sponge contained
vinegar, a harmless liquid, but in all truth it did not contain
vinegar at all but the drug, opium.
This was the perfect drug to simulate death, once he had ingested it
it would place him into a death like trance where his repertory
system would slow down making it seem like he was not breathing
and it would have lowed his heart rate making it seem as if his heart
had stopped beating. In effect it would seem to any man like he was dead.
Then he came, he was holding the sponge on a stick, he came up and stood
underneath Jesus and made eye contact with him, Jesus Looked down at him
as if to say 'ok' he then thrust the sponge into Jesus mouth and Jesus
took a large mouth full of the liquid, he then felt the effect come on,
it was like nothing he had ever felt before, it was scary, he let out a
loud cry as unconsciousness took over.
When he woke up he was resting in Joseph's abode on a bed, he still felt
groggy from the drug, Joseph came up to him and gave him some water,
"rest friend"
Jesus rested there for some time. Soon though he was feeling much
better and was soon able to walk around even though his feet still
hurt from where they had driven the nails into him.
Something was wrong with his wounds though, they were getting very
red and infected, he washed them and bandaged them and went for a
walk in the sun to try and get his energy back. As he was walking
down the road Mary Magdele'ne the mother of James, came up to him.
She was scared and afraid, he tried to speak to her but she fled.
He went back to Josephs house and told him of the meeting, Joseph
asked what he was going to do, and Jesus told him of his plan
to visit many people around the country and amaze them, then one
day disappear and hopefully become a legend in folklore.
The next night he was feeling a lot worse, his wounds would not stop
bleeding and they were very infectious, they hurt more than they had
ever done and he knew now that he could not survive for much longer.
He could no longer make the many appearances that he had planned to
do after his apparent death. He had to go out one more time, he
decided that the best way of doing things was to talk to his disciples
and get them to spread his message to the people.
He hobbled out of his bed, his wounds hurt more than ever and he
new that soon he would no longer be able to walk, but he had to do
this last deed, he had to walk to them and tell them or else
everything he had gone through would be in vain. He put on his
robe and hobbled out of the door.
He went to where his disciples were gathered for the night, he went
into the house and took off his robe, all of his friends leapt back
in surprise and horror at this vision that they suddenly had before
their eyes. He surveyed their terrified expressions and their puzzlement
at seeing somebody who they thought was long dead.
He saw all this and decided that it was time for one last speech
one last lie that would with any luck, if his disciples were loyal
to him, which he believed they were, would guarantee him going down
in the history books as the only man ever to come back from the
dead.
He took one final look and started on his last ever fabrication;
"Go ye into all the world and preach the gospel to every
creature. He that believeth and is baptised shall be
saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned"
"And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name
shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new
tongues;"
"They shall take up serpents; and if they drink and
deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall
lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover"
And with that he left.
He hobbled out down the path and out onto the road, into the
night, and he felt great pain. He undid his bandages and looked
at his wounds, they were still pouring out blood and they were
now green and black, he felt very week and exhausted.
He was dieing, and he knew it.
He thought it would be bad if they found him lying just outside
there house the next morning, even his disciples, the most gullible
people he had ever met would have a hard time explaining that one
away, so with all his last strength he managed to pull himself
off into the woods, where he hid himself in a fox hole and lay down
he felt the awesome wave of death sweep over him as his mind,
consciousness and being was swallowed into the great void of
nothingness
And there in that fox hole in the forest he died, Jesus Christ,
the greatest con man ever in the world.
Amen
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Addendum
(C) Steak May 2002
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