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Addendum Issue 074
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Addendum
URL: http://www.adden.tr.cx/
Issue# 74 : Anarchy and The Answers
25th June 2002
Author: Phoenix
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Anarchy and The Answers
You lie awake at night, I know you do, you lie awake and you wonder: Fuck,
how big is the universe? Is the universe infinite? I mean, just where does
it end? If you keep on heading in one direction, what happens when you get
to the end? Will you ever get to the end? And if not, how the fuck can it
keep on going? I mean, it just CAN'T keep on going, surely? Fuck, I mean,
it doesn't just stretch on, and on, and on... and on... and on... and on...
forever and ever? And what if it does end? I mean, if space can be finite,
what about time? Is time also finite? Will the universe end one... day?
Can I call it a day? Surely the sun will have burnt out long before... but
what if it happens tomorrow? Like a blink? I mean, what if you are God's
eylash? Is there a God? Am I real or am I shaped by external forces?
Perhaps I'm an ice-cream, with choc sprinkles, I mean, WHAT IF? WHAT IF
YOU'RE HIT BY AN EXPLOSIVE SNOWFLAKE? OR DROP DEAD FROM MENINGOCOCCAL?
You'll never know, I mean one minute you'll be conscious and thinking,
Jees, I think I'll have pizza for lunch, and shit my life is so boring,
I must write a novel some day and be famous, after all I have all these
lovely little thoughts, and what's the point if I don't spread them about,
but then again it doesn't matter coz I'll be dead one day and I'll never
know if I'm famous, fuck it's all so depressing, just eternally dark streets
and misery and sorrow and thirteen black naked women kneeling down weeping
into a choking stream, hell no it's not much of a stream, coz it's so
blocked with rubbish that it's little more than a single drop of water
running down the hill, and the black women are trying to ressurect it
with their tears, but we all know crying doesn't help, but if you don't
cry what can you do, end it all I suppose so it doesn't torture you
anymore, and then there's nothingness, but nothing for all eternity,
not even the memory that you were ever alive, that you ever did anything
worth doing, that you loved and hated and cried and shat yourself in fear
over death, or even worse there is something, God, maybe, punishment,
perdition, coz you forgot to feed the fish once and they died and then
you lied to your brother, fuck man YOU killed the fish, you bastard,
due to your own negligence, you have to take responsibility, you'll
burn for ALL OF ETERNITY, suffering and pain, MADNESS BECAUSE WE ALL
KNOW THAT... and then at that point the universe ends and there is
nothing, not even blackness, not cold or flames or God going "You
fishkiller", hell even the memory of your fish is gone, no time for
regret, OBLIVION, no time of course and so the universe could never
have ended coz it never existed and neither did you, there IS JUST
!!!NOTHING!!! NO SPACE NO NODE NO POTENTIALITY NO ENERGY OR MATTER OR
HOPE OF A BANG BIG OR OTHERWISE JUST NON-NON-EXISTENCE BEYOND
DESCRIPTION, because there is nothing to describe, no helpful features
to hook onto, no little visual or auditorial or olfactory clue. Nothing.
A lack of void. Nothing. You'll never even know.
NO! THIS IS ALL TOO PAINFUL TO THINK OF! DON'T THINK OF DEATH, IT HAPPENS
TO OTHER PEOPLE! I mean, I can't die! I've got a job! I like to eat peanut
butter and sour cream sandwiches! I have children, man, children, and they
love me. I watch them play. I CAN'T DIE. I-T W-I-L-L N-E-V-E-R C-O-M-E T-O M-E.
You can't sleep! To sleep... perchance to dream... what if you never wake
up? La petite mort... your heart races! Your mind rebels! Anything but
death! Think of flowers. (Winter comes. Flowers shrivel.) Little
puppies. (The children cry as the vet's needle plunges in, expunging
consciousness.) Sunshine and rainbows and lollipops. No good. No good
at all... it's not enough. Your brain won't stop. You can't look at
anyone without thining: They are going to be dead one day. Every
work colleague. Every shop assistant. Every child playing on the street.
Every girl you spent a night with last week. They WILL die one day...
and so will you.
Don't think about it! You've got to try to ignore it. Pretend it doesn't
happen. Maybe when it comes it will be so quick you won't have time to
panic and realise and scream and beg for one more chance, one more
minute, just an instant longer... Go back to your job. Job is important.
Work goes on. Turn to your model trains. Enojy fine wine and good
books. Have long baths. Flirt and go the beach and make shapes in the
clouds. Allow computers and motorbikes and "Neighbours" to consume
your mind. Distract yourself. You mustn't think about it. You need
to just trudge on. Leave the universe alone, worry about yourself, now.
I wonder if universe should have a capital "U"?
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Addendum
(C) Phoenix June 2002
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