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Addendum Issue 016
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Addendum Issue# 16 - 20th March 2002
URL: http://www.adden.tr.cx/
Author : Douglas Adams
================== Douglas Adams' view of Australia ========================
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Introduction by Steak:
Douglas Adams, the author of the absolute best book in the entire known
universe, the hitch hikers guide to the galaxy, died on the 15th of may 2001,
he has definitely changed the face of modern science-fiction comedy and indeed
British comedy. He was a genius and will be sadly missed by many many people.
During his life he did visit the land that I am living in, and wrote his view
of Australia, it has recently been found and will be presented here for your
reading pleasure.
So long Douglas....and thanks for all the fish
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DOUGLAS ADAMS' VIEW OF AUSTRALIA
Appreciated by Addendum
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the Bottom
half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual
features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of
its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting
sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology
and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight"
proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but
they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place.
Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent,
island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique
in this. The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can
be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that
of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them.
Actually, itwould be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous
arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes,
possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the spiders won't
go near the sea.
Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on),
under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A
stick is very useful for this task. Strangely, it tends to be the second class
of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most
people each year is the common Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name,
and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the
night it comes out to eat worms and grubs.
The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible. Digging
holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weight
lifters. At night, they often wander the roads. Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have
hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes
them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away.
Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes a symmetrical launching pad, with
results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.
The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If
a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the
disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace its
muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force,
to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to
withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will
then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from
seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to
die, and Australians don't talk about it much.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the
mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects
its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs
attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian attributes
into a single improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short
history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from
the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them died. The ones
that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place
in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the
intervening time making up strange stories. Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans
arrived in boats from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent,
with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops
in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving
from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of
them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting
to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any
other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks
of a civilised culture they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily
survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday
and became Australians.
The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of
nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look
deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being,
and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal
surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world,
and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories.
Be warned. There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply
the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into
the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish
which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs
sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders.
However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect
Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and
always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American.
Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly
and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of
corrugated iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener
on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is,
in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal
contraction of "God's Own Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none,
strewth." The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under any
circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it
to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and
Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about
either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like
our country, eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country
in the world!".
It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you
on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served.
Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of initiation rite. You
will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your
mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home,
and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we
took him to the pub.", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook.
Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australia, you encounter,
adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus
you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of
electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
Typical Australian sayings:
* "G'Day!"
* "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
* "She'll be right."
* "And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged
battlements on high, where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly
blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where, around the overflow, the
reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide. The Man
from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his
ride."
Tips to Surviving Australia:
* Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.
* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
* Always carry a stick.
* Air-conditioning.
* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and
good in a fist fight.
* Thick socks.
* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people
nearby.
* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all
times, or you will die.
* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a
core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second most useful thing
ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals, trees, shrubs,
fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"
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Addendum Issue# 16 - 20th March 2002
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