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ABL's Barney Must Die Newsletter Issue 01
A
N ABL's Barney Must Die Newsletter
T Issue #1
I
B A R N E Y
L ABL- "A group of people united
E in a single goal. Be
A scared Barney. We have
G a mandate from the people
U and GOD almighty!"
E (tm)(R)
I hate Barney!
I hate Barney!
I hate Barney!
-- From the bestselling "Mantra for a New Age: A World Without
Barney"
"Barney is more insidious than Dianetics!" -- Gumby, '60s animation star
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Welcome to the first issue of the Anti-Barney League's Barney
Must Die Newsletter. It is time that we must unite agaist a terrible
force that is covering our nation like a dark cloud. Barney is evil.
Barney and his Backyard gang are out to take over the minds of kids, so
that after the seed of Barney is planted in their brains, they will
more willingly accept a kind and gentle DICTATORSHIP, by a man in
a purple rubber suit. This problem will just grow unless we do some
thing about it. Dinosaurs can't be citizens anyways, so let's send
him to Costa Rica.
We will be compiling stations that broadcast the Barney smut,
so we can petition them to put on some quality programing.
-Aaron Anderer
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From: System Ninja <szebra!nocturne.boulder-creek.ca.us!raven>
Organization: "The Enclave" -- Boulder Creek, California
Our story so far...
Waffle VOTE Booth, v1.1.4, mwallis@clubzen.fidonet.org
To save humanity from (evil) aliens, you must watch a Barney videothon:
1) Just kill me now. .............................................. 1
2) Wouldn't you rather just severely butt-love me? ................ 1
3) I didn't know anyone else called their penis "Barney" .......... 1
4) Vampires don't do dat, homie.................................... 1
5) "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned... BUT BARNEY???!"......... 1
6) Maybe they're friendly aliens....?.............................. 2
7) I respond by killing Barney to impress Jodi Foster.............. 1
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raven@nocturne.boulder-creek.ca.us ..scruz.ucsc.edu!nocturne!raven
"The Enclave" -- Boulder Creek, California -- +1 408 338-9754
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From: szebra!cruzio.santa-cruz.ca.us!metraton (metraton)
These are two articles I posted on rec.humor. The response was
disturbingly small. Barney, it seems, has eaten everyones brains.
---------------------------------------------------*-----------------------
On PBS there is a show called "Barney and his Friends" (check your
local listings). Basically, it concerns a group of irritating small
children and a purple toy dinosaur named "Barney" who comes to life and
sings songs of a pro-social nature. Of particular note is "The I Love You
Song", sung to the tune of "This Old Man", slowed to a dirge-like tempo:
I love you.
You love me.
We're a happy family.
With a great big hug,
And a kiss from me to you,
Won't you say you love me too?
Believe me, it's really eerie. Now, the fact of Barney's existence on
this show is written off as "imagination". But supposing it isn't?
JUST WHAT IS BARNEY, ANYWAY?
Supposedly, Barney is just some guy in a big foam rubber dinosaur suit.
Several things about this theory don't add up, however. Barney has full
mobility, for one thing.
Remember Big Bird? Did you ever notice how only one of his hands ever
did anything and the other was always clutching his stomach like he
was about to puke up gizzard stones? That's because Big Bird was a guy in
a suit. That other hand was OPERATING HIS BEAK.
Barney, however, has two fully functional arms, a working mouth, and
LARGE, MOVING COW-LIKE EYES. If that's a man in there, he's no ordinary
man. (Plus, he's repeatedly demonstrated the ability to leap in the air
a CLICK HIS HEELS. Any NORMAL human would sweat like a cheese trying
stunts like that.)
If he's not a human, what is it? Let's speculate, shall we?
1) He's a real dinosaur.
Possibly. Although resemblance to any known fossil remains is
questionable, the geological record is far from complete. Since Barney is
apparently warm-blooded, this would support current revisionist
paleontological theory. (The singing ability is a new twist, however.)
And how would we know if dinosaurs were purple or not? On the other hand,
while he is built along the lines of a carinvore (Family Tyrannosauridae)
his teeth seem those of a herbivore, or at best, an omnivore. Assuming
those are teeth.
2) He's some evil supernatural entity posing as a warm, cuddly parent
figure in order to train young children to be his unholy army of ultimate
darkness.
You know, the more I think about this one, the more likely it seems. Look
at the facts. Kids LOVE him, and no one knows why. Adults think he's
really creepy. Obviously, there are unclean forces at work here. The way
to test this out would be to confront the fiend with a crucifix.
3) He's a space alien.
This would explain a lot. Barney, as a xenomormorph, might have access
to all sorts of technology that we couldn't even begin to comprehend:
hypnosis beams, holographic projectors, even large-scale matter
re-assemblers. All of theses could account for the "powers of
imagination" as depicted on the show. As for his motives and purpose,
see above.
HOW DO WE STOP BARNEY?
Notice I waste no time asking if Barney SHOULD be stopped. Of COURSE
he should be stopped. It's a given. But how?
1) Wait for him to go away.
Most media darlings eventually do this. However, we can't afford to take
chances. Our children's BRAINS are at stake.
2) Stuff a chicken and rock salt in his mouth, then sew his lips shut.
You could, in fact, fit several chickens in there.
3) Find out where his power supply is and unplug him.
If he's a space alien, he may well be a robot. Let's hope he doesn't
have a breeder reactor in his tail. (Now that I think of it, he probably
gets his power from...The Children's Television Workshop. Cut their
funding!)
4) Stop believing in him.
Scoff if you will. It worked with my boss at the car wash.
Anyway, I'm open to suggestions. If you think you know WHAT Barney
is, or HOW to destroy him, let us know. Until there's an
alt.barney.die.die.die we'll confine ourselves here. And remember, you
won't get your kids back until Barney is dead.dead.dead.
--
********************************************************************************
We are dealing with forces well within our comprehension.
metraton@cruzio.santa-cruz.ca.us
Recently, I posted an article where I postulated that Barney the Dinosaur
perhaps was not what he seemed to be, but was,in fact, some evil being bent
on taking over the minds of children everywhere. The Great Unwashed scoffed
at my warnings.
Well, Barney the Dinosaur is still amongst us, brainwashing hapless
children, and YOU just SIT there at your terminal chuckling at my so-called
"madness". But listen. There's still time to put an end to his evil Jurassic
schemes.
I've done some research and it's clear to me that Barney is some kind of
malignant supernatural force that has invaded a toy stuffed dinosaur. With
that in mind, let's discuss how he can be destroyed.
Surveillence shows that there are two principal Barney modes. There's
the "Sentient Mode", where he is a six-foot tall fuzzy purple saurian who
moves around freely and talks and sings like an brain damaged castrati.
Then there is the "Toy Mode", where he appears to be a small stuffed version
of himself. (NOTE: Neither of these is Barney's true form. As a creature of
darkness, he can take on any form he chooses. In truth, he probably looks
a lot like Mick Jagger. Doesn't sing like him, though.)
So. Let's say you happen to see this toy Barney, just sitting there in
a swing made from an old Uniroyal. Do you pull out your handy M-16 and pump
him full of hot lead, screaming "DIE, YOU UNHOLY SPAWN OF SATAN! DIE DIE
DIE!" No. You do not. This will only make him angry. If you're LUCKY he will
only suck out your soul like soup through a straw.
We are dealing with a SUPERNATURAL Creature here. Don't assume that just
because he LOOKS like a fuzzy harmless doll that he IS a fuzzy hamless doll.
In toy form he will be constantly on his guard, whereas in active mode he
thinks himself invunerable. And THAT shall be his downfall.
You will need the standard tools: Garlic, a crucifix, an iron rod, a Tammy
Faye record, stuff like that. Keep them ready at all times in case of random Ba
rney
encounters.
If by some chance you DO encounter The Hellspawn in active mode, take
these steps:
*DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!*
His eyes have power. He uses them to possess people. If you gaze too long
upon his countenance, you will be HIS, body and soul. The effect isn't
as obvious on T.V., at least not with adults. In person, however....
Well, just wear a welding mask.
*DO NOT LET HIM SING TO YOU!*
For one thing, he's a BAD singer, and he steals his riffs. The real
danger comes, however, from the seductive quality of his Song Of
Entrapment:
I love you....
Etc...
Etc...
Won't you say you love me too?
If you DO say you love him, or worse, sing the next verse, then he OWNS
your soul and all its accessories. And we'll have to kill you too.
*ACT CASUAL.*
Lull him into a false sense of security. Pretend you want an autograph
for your nephew. If you're especially skillful, you can get him to sign
an agreement to leave mortals alone for all eternity. (NOTE: Your pen
MUST be filled with blood for this to work.) While he is not really
likely to fall for a cheap stunt like this, it's certainly worth a try,
unless you're worried about him sucking up your soul like jello through
a Hoover. Which he'll do.
*DESTROY HIM.*
Don't worry. If you've done everything right he won't suspect a thing.
The following methods will certainly annilihate most creatures of
darkness:
1) Poke him gently in the ribs with a crucufix, saying "Hey? Hey? Hey?
Big fella?"
2) Blow pepper at him. Have a priest ready to say "Bless you," when he
sneezes. Stand well back, so as not to get Barney-bits all over you.
3) Blow his face off with a flare gun. Still got that welding mask on?
4) Cancel his show. (NOTE: You'd better be a PBS executive. Otherwise
he'll suck out your soul like bilge through a pump.)
5) Ask yourself. How would "MacGyver" handle this?
6) Decapitate him with a silver sword, on sacred ground, under a 3-D
picture of Jesus, while drinking a glass of holy water FROM THE FAR
SIDE OF THE GLASS, with a bag over your head, while singing "Amazing
Grace", in a month with a "K" in it. (Note: The sword MUST be blessed
by His Holiness the Pope. Otherwise, you're wasting your time.)
One of those ought to work. Give it a try. If you'd like to field test
any of these methods, use them on Rush Limbaugh. All of the above applies
to HIM, too.
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From: szebra!engr.LaTech.edu!ksg (Kenneth S. Guillory)
Subject: Barney, a testimonial
There comes a time when we as a society must humbly admit our wrongs
and take whatever actions necessary to correct our misdoings. Barney
the dinosaur is one of the most hideous creations of modern American
culture and as such, he MUST be destroyed. The termination of Barney
must therefore become a goal of all decent, responsible citizens. Only
united can we protect our children and stop his evil reign!
I solute you brave founders of the Anti-Barney League, and I want to
offer my support for your cause.
My first encounter with Barney was seeing one of his commercials while
eating breakfast one morning. "He's big, He's purple, He's your best
friend. He's BARNEY!!" kept echoing through my mind as I stood in
horror, helplessly entranced by the dancing purple mass on my TV.
At that moment, I heard a noise outside which disturbed the evil spell
long enough for me to break free and realize what was happening. It
was then I became aware that no one was safe, and that I must find
others.
FOR ANYONE WHO DOUBTS THAT BARNEY IS EVIL INCARNATE - Just turn down
volume on the TV the next time Barney appears. Striped of his music
( such as the 'I love you, you love me' brainwash chant, one of his
most powerful spells ) Barney's ugliness immediately becomes visible.
I assure you, if you try this, you will feel a chill as you watch the
demonic blob silently moving its mouth, gesturing, and dancing before
you. After a moment to recover your composure, you too will realize
what must be done.
Remember my friends,
He's Big. He's Purple. He must be destroyed.
----
Shane Guillory Dept of Biomedical Engineering
ksg@engr.latech.edu Louisiana Tech University
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If you wish to submit material to the ABL newsletter send mail to
Kill-Barney-Submit@spectrx.saigon.com, and to send any comments mail
system@spectrx.saigon.com.
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