As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips: Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar. Four-poster ...

Films: 1. Aliens 2. Star Wars Trilogy 3. Leon 4. Terminator 2 5. Alien 6. Hackers 7. Austin Powers 8. Event Horizon 9. The Shining 10. Akira

BEGIN FLAME Dear: [ ] Clueless Newbie [ ] Lamer [ ] AOLer [ ] "Me too" er [ ] Pervert [ ] Geek [ ] Spammer [ ] Nerd [ ] Elvis [ ] Fed [ ] Freak [ ] Scientologist [ ] Scammer [ ] Dumbass [ ] Pre-teen You Are Being Flamed Because: [ ] You posted binaries in pieces LESS than 5000 lines [ ] You posted something asking for warez sites [ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply [ ] You continued a long, stupid thread [ ] You started an off-topic thread [ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message [ ] You posted a blatantly obvious troll [ ] You posted pretending to be someone famous (See "troll" above) [ ] You replied to the above message type bel...

FLASHBACK - LEVEL CODES LEVEL EASY MODE NORMAL MODE DIFFICULT MODE 1 BACK PLAY CLOP 2 LOUP TOIT CARA 3 CINE ZAPP CALE 4 GOOD LYNX FONT 5 SPIZ SCSI HASH 6 BIOS GARY FIBO 7 HALL PONT TIPS

Number Title Format 1. GTA: London 1969 PSX/PC 2. Gran Turismo PSX 3. Grand Theft Auto PSX/PC 4. FIFA 99 PSX/PC/N64 5. Champ Manager 3 PC 6. Tomb Raider 2 PSX/PC 7. Metal Gear Solid PSX 8. Crash Bandicoot 2 PSX 9. Ridge Racer Type 4 PSX 10. Castlevania N64

When Dune2 was released on the Amiga and PC it had amazing success. It took elements from turn based war games and introduced them to the exploding, shoot-everything-in-sight world of arcade games, providing a near perfect mix of strategy and arcade action. After that, the PC saw hundreds of Real-Time-Strategy games as they were now called. Especially "Command and Conquer" and it's sequels - coming from the very same Westwood studios who produced Dune2. Where was the Amiga conversion? Westwood deemed it unviable and we had to listen to the rants of PC owners about how good these games were. Well now we have "Napalm" - produced by Clic...

By Case On Thursday 18th February, the latest series of Red Dwarf hit UK screens. If like me you're a big fan of the exploits of Lister, Rimmer, Kryten & co then you would be hoping that this series got back to some of the old Red Dwarf qualities. RD VII was a disapointment to many - they complained that Kochanski (sic?) wrecked the chemistry between the team. While I think that RD VII was very entertaining, I have to agree that it was nothing compared to many of the other series. So as I write, I have just seen the first episode. I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised! Long dialogue between Lister and Rimmer reminded me of the...

by 4-0 A collection of weird stories (probably bull) from the internet. 1) A young lad with a blind date arranged for later in the evening decided to chance his luck and stopped by a pharmacy that afternoon to pick up some condoms. As usual in these circumstances, the lad was pretty nervous, and so to cover his fear he joked to the pharmacist about how he planned to "get lucky" that night. The pharmacist grinned and wished him luck. That night, the teenager strolled up to his date's house and rang the doorbell. The girl's father answered the door and the lad's face suddenly expressed shock. "So, still feeling lucky?" asked the...

I was rather amused at the information written on the bag [of JONNY CAT, cat litter]. The best has to be: "JONNY CAT is the best value for your money. A 20 lb. bag of JONNY CAT contains 25% more litter than 16 lb. bags, and 43% more than 14 lb. bags!" Other importanant info: "100% natural clay mined from a rare deposit makes Jonny Cat especially absorbent." AND THEN they have a section for "Other Uses" of Jonny Cat: "GARAGE SPILLS-sweeps up oil and grease and reduces stains" "TRASH CANS-a layer on the bottom reduces odors and discourages flies" "REFRIGERATORS- an inexpensive nontoxic odor absorbent" "GARDENS-enhances water retention and s...

British computer genius aged 16 put Pentagon in a panic as he hacked into weapons secrets. Re-typed by CasE A British schoolboy caused panic at the Pentagon when he hacked into America's top-secret defnece computers. Richard Pryce, 16, cracked codes to U.S. Air Force missile systems using a £750 computer in the bedroom of his London home. Defence chiefs feared a masterspy had infiltrated intelligence files and stolen some of the country's most closely-guarded weapons secrets. Members of the Senate were told he had caused more harm than the KGB. It took investigators 13 months to track the source of the leak to England. Eventually ...

I'LL HIT YOU... I'll hit you so hard by the time you come down, you'll need a passport and a plane ticket back! I'll hit you so hard you 'll have to take off your shoes to shit! I'll hit you so hard you'll have to unzip your pants to say hi! I'll hit you so hard your kids will be born dizzy! I'll hit you so hard your wife will fall! DUMB... You're so dumb you think socialism means partying! You're so dumb you think manual labor is a Mexican! You're so dumb you think Johnny Cash is a pay toilet! You're so dumb it takes you an hour and a half to watch "60 Minutes"! You so stupid you proba...

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES Grandmother of eight makes hole in one Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers House passes gas tax onto senate Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan Two convicts evade noose, jury hung William Kelly was fed secretary Milk drinkers are turning to powder Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted Quarter of a million Chinese live on water Farmer bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Grammar often botches other headlines: Eye drops off shelf Squad helps dog bite victim Dealers will hear car talk at noon Enraged cow injures farmer with ax ...

Vortex are a group of - oooh about 40 members from various places around the world, who get together to work on various projects on Amiga and PC. We've now been in existance for about two years now, gaining loads of talented members along the way. Vortex was set up by Stelf and Case (i.e Me!) who are still part of this funky wee group. Stelf was Brainlord/Carnage at that time, and Case was Case/The Invaders. Here Is the Current Vortex MemberList: 4-0..............Graphician/Raytracer Alpha............Coder Ami_Hedgehog.....Graphician/Trader Beasley..........Graphician BradMan..........Sysop/Coder Bucko............T...

by Stunner/VORTEX One year and a few months ago, Stelf/VORTEX asked me to manage the euro site of VORTEX. Before his request I was in the group as a musician and was really surprised about this offer. I did agree and started to organize the group with my best will. Recruiting new members, starting new projects and answering questions was completely new for me, but after some time I learned to handle it. It made - and still makes - fun, so there was nothing to be angry about, except one thing. RELIABILITY. In my view, reliability is one of the most important qualities you can have and in a scene group, like VORTEX, it is the only w...

Twenty years ago this summer, punk erupted in the music venues of london, putting an end to a period of stagnation in the record industry.Since that time, a whole litany of bands have revered that era, and with this landmark anniversary upon us, even the original upstarts,THE SEX PISTOLS, have dusted down their bondage trousers and come out of the woodwork. Every magazine, gig-listing and television schedule is presently full of punk rock, as a flood of books, records, merchandise and concert try to revitilse the moment once again. Ironically, it seems that the best punk record of the year won't come from one of the old-timers, nor fr...

By Case/Vortex One of the things in this life which really annoys me is moaners. What I mean by that is those people who seem to enjoy spending their time complaining about things. You know the sort - people who write in to television stations saying such and such a programme had too much swearing or nudity. I have two words to say to that type of person - TURN OVER. It fails me completely why if a moaner is not enjoying a film for example, they don't just change channel. Instead they watch the programme in it's entirety just to give them more to complain about. I suppose Mary Whitehouse is the kind of person I'm talking about...

By Case Case: Well hello there Case, me old mucker, how's it going? Case: Okay apart from all the shitty Uni work I'm doing atm- God will I ever be done with bloody maths?! Case: Yes well, anyway - can you tell us a bit about your role in Vortex? Case: Certainly, old chap. Well it all started about 2 years ago, I had only been in the Amiga scene for a few months (but I'd had an Amiga (My trusty A1200) for years). I was in a very small scene group called "The Invaders". I read issues of "The Word" from NFA and Carnage, and got in contact with various traders. One of these lucky fellows was the mighty Brainlord of Carnage. We go...

By Case/Vortex One of the the things I thought about when coding Moon Monkey was the question "Do we really need Diskmags any more?". Going back a few years, there were loads of diskmags about. They were a great way for the Amiga users who were modemless(like me!) to get in touch with the rest of the scene and find out what was going on in the land of Miggy. But with more and more people having access to the internet, newsgroups, and email, It sometimes seems that the humble diskmag is of little use. Well Moon Monkey is a project Vortex are doing out of our own spare time so it's up to choose what things we want to try. One of the rea...

Vortex cannot accept responsibility as a Group or Individuals for any damage cause by this piece of software running on your machine. Every effort has been made to check the original magazine file for any possibiliy of damage to your machine, but we cannot guarentee it will not. We reccomend you always use a virus checker on a new piece of software. Vortex cannot accept responsibility as a Group or Individuals for the content of articles in this disk magazine. Moon Monkey is a magazine which has little censorship. If you are easily offended then please do not read any further. If you are offended by swearing, please stop reading now. If y...

MAY 1999 Hello and Welcome, one and all to the first issue of this great big hose beast which is "Moon Monkey". Issue one is really a test issue - There will be a lot of changes by the time issue two comes out. Any improvements you can think of should be emailed to one of the vortex members. From the outset, I'd like to say that this is your magazine - what I mean is that without the readers, Moon Monkey is pointless! So any articles you can send in, on ANY subject (no matter how bizarre ;) are appriciated. Your article will be almost guarenteed to be included - it would have to be pretty damn offensive not to! Email your articles to ...