The Discordant Opposition Journal Issue 11 - File 10
Sweet Eyebrow Lovin'
by Kleptic (kleptic@grex.org)
Shortly after becoming a Real Man (a "Real Man" being defined as a boy who grows hair in places other than his head including, but not limited to, his chest, chin, upper lip, belly button, back, booty, feet, peepee and cajones, nips, taint, dooberwhacker, and spreklepouch), I gradually became aware of an exceedingly strange phenomenon beginning to happen right in front of my eyes, or more specifically, right above my eyes. My left eyebrow seemed to have decided that it would be happier on the right side of my face, with the other one. Operation Grow Across the Gap and Make Sweet Eyebrow Love was in full effect. Now, there aren't many things in this world much worse than eyebrows in love. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for love and sunshine and happiness and true love and women with hairy armpits, no bras, and Joanie Mitchell records, but I draw the line at eyebrow love. Why, you ask? Why not just let them be So Happy Together? I'll tell you why.
Stage one of eyebrow love: The Herman Munster. The Herman Munster occurs when the two eyebrows succeed in making contact with each other, and their slow mating process commences. The problem with how to permanently prevent this from happening is mankind's last great challenge, and not one to be taken lightly. I suspect we have been bypassed by several alien civilizations seeking galactic comraderie due to this disability. "Ooh, Xqorgonak, look! This planet is intelligent! They have aircrafts, lasers, skyscrapers, Dairy Queen, and... wait a second... what's that on that guy's face? Crap. That's a unibrow, isn't it? I knew this place was too good to be true. I guess we'll just have to take the Fantastically Amazing Machine of Ultimate Happiness, Posterity, Actually Understanding Girls, and Never, Ever Pooping Your Pants After Your Fourth Birthday to some other, more civilized planet."
Stage two of eyebrow love: The Man's Man. A Real Man becomes a Man's Man when the female eyebrow gives birth to it's first litter of babies. These cute little tufts of hair eagerly migrate around the Man's Man's body, filling a far less orthodox range of brow positions: nostril-brow, tooth-brow, finger-brow, and the hilarious-looking eyebrow-brow. Some people seem to consider the Man's Man to be a glorious testament to all that is masculine, but I find that only other Men's Men or Men's Men-In-Training truly hold them in high regard. Sure, the guy can wrastle grizzlies like a mofo, but with that much hair all over his shoulders, forehead, tongue, teeth, eyelids, and God-knows-where-else, he will never achieve the much more desirable position of Ladies Man, wink wink, nudge nudge.
NOTE TO MALE READERS ONLY: Chicks dig guys who pluck their unibrows... and tell them about it. Trust me, it works. They'll think you have common sense and they'll want to smooch you and stroke the smooth spot between your eyebrows all night long.
NOTE TO FEMALE READERS ONLY: I know you just read the note to male readers only, you cheaters. I saw you do it.
The third and final stage of eyebrow love: The Gorilla. What do you really know about gorillas?They're big monkeys? They're a primitive species? Try again. They're just regular guys, like you and me (but not my Uncle Mike 'cause he eats SPAMwiches and that's really weird), except they let their unibrows get entirely out of hand. Really. You think they're begging for peanuts at the zoo? Well, let me tell you, "ooh ooh, ah ah" in gorilla-talk means "Give me some tweezers! I'm a man, I tell you, not an ape! If you'll just give me some freakin' tweezers I'll show you! Yes... yes... he's digging in his pockets! ...NO! Damn you! I don't want your peanuts! I want to pluck my unibrow! Wait, don't go! Okay, okay, I'll take the peanuts... heh, sucker... Hey, bring honey roasted next time!"
And that about wraps it up. I kind of forgot what I was talking about. I guess the moral of the story would be... er... don't give monkeys tweezers because they'll pull all their hair out and turn into naked men and that's probably really freaky to see.
