Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
y0lk-053
--(y0lk)-----------------------------------------------------------------------
y0lk #53: hopelessly lost
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's
been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he
could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under
trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines
covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the
area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying
someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down
to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you
want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had
a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I
could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You
cannot mess around with my granddaughter."
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I
won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."
The old Chinese man counters "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give
you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"OK, OK" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he
thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the
wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he
saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl,
and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many many
months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the
occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't
keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a
time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to
his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture
tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest.
He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the
rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100lb. rock on your
chest."
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and
walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock
out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst
Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle."
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed,
jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third
sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to
bedpost."
--(y0lk)-----------------------------------------------------------------------
thanks to poots (dumas@intac.com) for a great issue. in y0lk news,
uhm, i made a pretty terrible mistake in y0lk #51. in all my haste and
tiredness, i wrote in the index that the issue was by me, creed. well, i
didn't write it. trip did... and it was a great story. so, if you have it on
your board or anything, update that if you can. sorry for the inconvenience,
and sorry, trip, for the stupid mistake.
--(index)----------------------------------------------------------------------
.d&$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$&b.
$ ## $ title $ author $
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$ 01 $ the other white meat $ creed $
$ 02 $ several k-leet hax0rs sittin around a campfire and groovin $ creed $
$ 03 $ nuclear weapons, global destruction, op wars. $ creed $
$ 04 $ a young man, an infant, a yak... all living in sin $ creed $
$ 05 $ household uses for afghanistanian food $ creed $
$ 06 $ pour cement down my anus $ hooch $
$ 07 $ hail santa! $ creed $
$ 08 $ hasidism and sysops - a pair for the nineties? $ hooch $
$ 09 $ lunchables rock. $ creed $
$ 10 $ t-shirts and toejam $ bedlam $
$ 11 $ nap-time - the dog prank - exclusive interview $ hooch $
$ 12 $ movie reviews [showgirls!@] - win95 vs. os/2 [sorta] $ hooch $
$ 13 $ straight outta' compton - dialchix - muh dawg!@ $ hooch $
$ 14 $ i'm a tall, goofy, dorky, chink $ phorce $
$ 15 $ bedazzled by the eliteness $ creed $
$ 16 $ how to blow your nuts out with cornstarch and orangina $ creed $
$ 17 $ i am a warez pup - who are you? $ hooch $
$ 18 $ lemmings $ phorce $
$ 19 $ the science of astrology $ belial $
$ 20 $ the notorious anticlimactic bastards of the zine scene $ cd/h0 $
$ 21 $ dUcK 54uc3?!#$!? $ phorce $
$ 22 $ top 5000 reasons why i should kill myself $ creed $
$ 23 $ citrus fruits for sale $ phorce $
$ 24 $ group masturbation $ belial $
$ 25 $ ethereal experiences for perverted pyromaniacs $ creed $
$ 26 $ catering for the warez eleet $ phorce $
$ 27 $ brief mental pause $ belial $
$ 28 $ the army day camp $ belial $
$ 29 $ the geek theory, hickies, and another long day $ creed $
$ 30 $ nets, zines, and that chick from wings $ hooch $
$ 31 $ mentos! the freedom giver! $ mercuri $
$ 32 $ ramblings of a poseur $ bedlam $
$ 33 $ sitcoms, stereotypes, and satan $ creed $
$ 34 $ fuck you - a note to all y'all on #zines $ hooch $
$ 35 $ apples, oranges, and pears $ phorce $
$ 36 $ the little cultist that couldn't $ creed $
$ 37 $ careening through hyperspace at a slug-like rate $ creed $
$ 38 $ snowday $ phorce $
$ 39 $ creed is g0d $ creed $
$ 40 $ big hurt is ruler of the earth $ bighurt $
$ 41 $ dead people, nasty thoughts, and colored glue $ bighurt $
$ 42 $ bbs softwares/internet $ hooch $
$ 43 $ abandon thy gods! from yonder cometh y0lk! $ creed $
$ 44 $ mogel's own very special personalized $1 y0lk issue $ phorce $
$ 45 $ your burro is no jackass! $ creed $
$ 46 $ rollerskates, indians, eagles and cougars $ creed $
$ 47 $ outer space, ice cream, streetcars and gophers $ creed $
$ 48 $ Evan the genius becomes enlightened and melts his face off $ creed $
$ 49 $ 6 insignificant ziners in a bowling microcosm of life $ creed $
$ 50 $ the best of the worst $ creed $
$ 51 $ the prince of darkness versus some guy named dave $ trip $
$ 52 $ ode to my feet $ creed $
$ 53 $ hopelessly lost $ poots $
"T$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$T"
--(infoez)---------------------------------------------------------------------
if you see your name on that chart, you are a y0lk member, whether you
like it or not. if you are a y0lk member, you have a y0lk member board, et
cetera.
hooch is the stupendous chief shephard of y0lk.
phorce is the head samurai of y0lk! beware!
mindcrime is an official y0lk member, cuz he's just so damn wacky-ass.
email creed@nexxus.novasys.com to contact me. yep.
