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The Neo-Comintern 115
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888 888 888 888 , the weekly capitalist electronic magazine $$
888 888 888 "YeeP" "fucking the world slowly and painfully" $$
installment number 115 $$
July 20th, 2000 $$
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Editor: The Capitalism Monster
Writer/Slave: BMC
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Featured in this installment
Capitalism works!: an entrepenurial success story- BMC
Ask an expert: Racism- BMC
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MONSTER'S NOTE
As you learned last week, from the words of BMC himself, the world
is improving little by little, one victory at a time. I have crushed
another dangerous and destructive arm of communism, a.k.a. "The
Neo-Comintern," and have replaced it with the pure and wonderful message of
capitalism. You can now sleep soundly in your bed at night, knowing that
you no longer have to be afraid that your children will gain "social
consciousness" from reading the commie rhetoric posted by the BMC in his
evil magazine.
Yes, I know you are probably shedding tears of appreciation right
now and would like to shower me with thanks and praise for making the world
a better place, a safer place, a more consumer-friendly place, but I assure
you, it was nothing. I believe it is my God-ordained duty to ensure that
capitalism holds its proper place as the world-order and I will go to any
lengths to see that duty through. (If you really feel you must thank me
though, you can send all fan mail to capitalism_monster@hotmail.com).
Now, readers of BMC's former zine will recall that it was filled
with satirical filth meant to lead you astray - away from the rational and
sensible way of private ownership, class structure, monopolization of power
and hierarchical distribution of wealth. I want to assure you that things
will be a lot different now. "The Weekly Capitalist" will bring you nothing
but straight talk about the issues that face every capitalist in daily life.
Here, you'll get the latest stories in right-wing news and I'm sure you'll
find them intelligent, motivational and touching. You will also be treated
to advertisements that will entertain you and, at the same time, make me
lots of money. So, it is simple to see the logic of capitalism - everybody
wins!
BMC is giggling with delight at the moment; he is so happy in his
present lifestyle that he cannot believe he ever fought against me. Of
course, the outcome was predetermined so he had no hope of beating me
anyway - everybody knows that capitalism always wins.
On that positive note, let us get down to the substance of this
week's installment. We have wonderful articles for you this week detailing
the successes that capitalism has to offer so get out your credit cards,
because there's no such thing as a rainy day.
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CAPITALISM WORKS!: AN ENTREPRENEURIAL SUCCESS STORY
by BMC
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Today on the way home from work I walked by some kids who were
selling Kool-Aids on the street corner. As I approached they asked me if I
would please buy a cup of "juice" from them. I don't see how I could have
passed up that offer.
First of all, juice is healthy and the perfect drink for a hot summer
day. Second, I would have given money to these kids even if they were merely
begging for it; giving me a glass of juice is a great exchange for a nickel,
or whatever the price may be. Third, there is the slight chance that these
children are my offspring and the product of union between me and some lady
who used me on a crisp autumn evening several years ago.
I felt great for deciding to buy the juice; but, as the transaction
progressed I felt that I was being used for something sinister.
First of all, they charged me 40 cents. Now, I learned everything I
know about economics from the old video game Lemonade Stand and one thing it
taught me is that the more you charge the less you will sell. Ahh, but here
is the trick. The children didn't have the price posted anywhere and by the
time you agree to buy the juice from them it's too late to negotiate the
terms of the sale. Very shrewd, kids.
Children 1, BMC 0
As I paid them, they informed me that I could have grape or tutti-
fruity flavour. Flavour? Hey wait, that's not juice at all but flavoured
water! Well doesn't that blow?! Juice and sugar water are NOT the same
thing. One immediately apparent difference is that one is worth 40 cents and
the other is worth, as I believe the saying goes, pennies a glass.
Children 2, BMC 0
They gave it to me in a styrofoam cup.
Children 3, BMC (and his environmental concerns) 0
It tasted fucking terrible. This is just a guess, but it may have
been tainted with urine like the batch my friends and I whipped up for fun
day when we were in grade 8.
Children 4, BMC 0
So there I was with a cup of crappy no-name brand, flavoured, shitty,
Regina lake-water - and I was 40 cents poorer to boot. The children had used
the oldest tricks captialism had to offer: the lemonade-stand-ambush and the
bait-and-switch. The only solution I could think of was to teach these kids
a little something that my friend Adam Smith calls free-market economy.
The next day after work I set up a lemonade stand right next to
theirs, only mine featured fresh hand-squeezed lemonade in crystal glasses.
I posted a sign that read "BMC-brand Lemonade: A Capitalist's Delight!" and
I undercut those kids by 50%. Sure, I lost about ten dollars for every glass
I watched the strangers walk away with, but hey, I have a side job that I can
safely say earns me quite a bit more money than whatever these kids do when
they're not peddling drinks to old ladies.
I lost about 500 bucks that day but I accomplished everything I set
out to do. I ran those kids out of business and taught them a hard lesson
about life. No matter how hard you try to succeed in the world of
capitalism, there will always be someone who has a better gimik than you do
and is willing to wipe you out for sport. Speaking of which, my lemonade
stand has been doing so well over the past few days that they are setting up
a 7-11 right accross the street from my operation. I'm not bitter though.
The multi-billion dollar American corporation might wipe me out but at least
it will take every other small business out with me.
Ahh, now THAT is what captialism is really all about - huge
businesses making it impossible for average people to financially succeed!
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ASK AN EXPERT: RACISM
by BMC
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"Rasicm is bad, right BMC?" -Jason, age 13
Racism isn't really that bad, in fact, it's kinda positive if you
look at it the right way (my way). He'res the way I look at it. I'm
better than everyone else, so therefore my race of whatever-the-hell-I-am
is better than any other race! Note that when I say "race" I am talking
about the human race and the other people I refer to are bats, kats, and labe
brats. I am racist and proud of it! They say that racism stems from
ignorance, but as you can see I have really thought this through!
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___________________________________________________
|THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S |
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
| BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 |
| CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 |
| THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 |
|___________________________________________________|
| Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern |
| Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com |
|___________________________________________________|
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Copyright 2000 by The Neo-Comintern #115-07/20/00
All content is property of The Neo-Comintern/Weekly Capitalist.
You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
part of this document is prohibited. All rights reserved. Made in Canada.
