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The Neo-Comintern 116
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888 888 888 888 , the weekly capitalist electronic magazine $$
888 888 888 "YeeP" "fucking the world slowly and painfully" $$
installment number 116 $$
August 1st, 2000 $$
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Editor: The Capitalism Monster
Writer/Slave: BMC
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Featured in this installment
Innovative new movement challenges legal system - BMC
Ask an expert: Environmentalism- BMC
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MONSTER'S NOTE
Well, this week has been extra-productive, but then again, isn't
capitalism always productive? I feel great, just great. I won all my golf
games and I've been having such a good time robbing people of their souls
that time is really flying by. Whenever I get to feeling this way I realize
that there are some phrases in life that really should be updated. For
example, I'm always tempted to say that I feel like a million bucks but, of
course, that would be inaccurate because actually I'm worth much, much more
than that.
Anyway, back to my good mood. It really delights me to see new
converts to capitalism embracing the lifestyle and I must say, I've never
seen anyone quite as eager as young BMC.
"Ah, yes, BMC," you say, "What has that little sell-out been up to?"
Well, there's nothing I love more than watching one of my conquests come
into his own as a lackey, so I'll take the time out of my busy schedule to
bring you some news on your beloved former editor.
We all know that BMC fancied himself a humanitarian, animal-loving
vegetarian in his distasteful "red" years but since he's been on my payroll,
I've insisted that he eat as all true men do: carnivorously. No lie, HE'S
LOVING IT! On days when he's been an especially good capitalist, I even let
him murder the beasts himself. Now that gives him quite a thrill, let me
tell you, and he's always begging me to let him eat it raw. All I can say
to that request is, "When I think you're ready, my budding capitalist."
Everyone knows that learning to be a capitalist is an exciting
adventure and BMC certainly wants to dive into everything all at once. So
far though, I have held him back from experiencing all the glories that my
way of life has to offer because I want him to savour each new wondrous
moment and not become delirious with the sheer power of it all. For now,
I've got him set up in his own air-conditioned office where he has an
amazing view and writes with ergonomically designed utensils. There, he is
inspired to pen words of wisdom praising the capitalistic lifestyle. The
articles that you are about to experience are a taste of the pearls of truth
that BMC authored most recently. Of course, at this point, I still make BMC
serve a full 8 hour day up in the ivory tower - but I assure you, he does
take plenty of breaks and you don't even want to know what he's doing on
them.
Yep, so before we get to this week's issue just let me inform you
that the colour of the week is the colour of money (not surprisingly, the
same colour it is every week). So all you communists beware, everyone's got
a price and, just like the devil, a good capitalist can smell yours from a
mile away. Don't fool yourselves, soon you too will be mine, just like your
not-so-"elite" Mr. BMC.
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This week our sponsors are the Sons of Prozac <http://mp3.com/sonsofprozac>.
This is the page where the SoP write their hearts out and produce the most
brilliant and meaningful pro-capitalist songs ever written by the man. We
get a share of the money from mp3.com every time their songs are downloaded,
so go to the site and download each song multiple times. This will get
their songs up the charts and make lots of money for everyone. Said money
will be used to further promote capitalism on the web, so act soon before
those filthy liberals get the upper hand and we are all forced to eat
turnips and mud!
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INNOVATIVE NEW MOVEMENT CHALLENGES LEGAL SYSTEM
by BMC
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It has recently been brought to my attention by the executive board
that there is an undercurrent in Canadian society that is a growing and soon
to be a powerful progressive movement. The issue I am referring to is
supported by corporations and small business associations alike and it
appears that the growing support behind the movement will make it
irrepressible.
I'm talking about buggery: legalization of.
It's something our society has needed for a long time and, just
like Moses led the Jews, the Buggerors United Movement promises to free
the upper class from their oppression.
The time is now for the upper class (society's only important
class) to break the chains of common morality and allow their hands and
hearts to move about freely. What the commoners don't understand is that to
us a slap on the hand is a slap on the heart. Nobody deserves to be
slapped on the heart.
Where did we go wrong? Perhaps it all started when we gave safe
working conditions to the low. That only opened the door for them to demand
outrageous things like wage raises to meet inflation rates! Apparently
they don't understand that the purpose of inflation is to get more money
from the workers. Paying them more obviously defeats this purpose.
I acknowledge that they're too stupid to understand inflation and
wage raises but we are the ones who end up suffering because of it. Many
people I know have been hit hard because of this gay attitude (and yes, I
do mean homosexual because I believe that those "people" are a source of
evil and whatever I believe is as good as fact). I know people who have had
to put off buying a third mansion or human soul because of this malevolence.
And as if that isn't bad enough, to top it all off they took away our right
to bugger.
They're taking our rights away from us my friend, but, if you look
at it the right way (the non-socialist way), THEY are the ones who should
have zero rights. If they don't own their own company, then they're too
stupid and lazy and irresponsible to have rights. In fact, it wouldn't be
an exageration for me to admit that I believe only a certain few members of
society deserve rights at all. These certain few include us, the white,
male, Christian, heterosexual, English-speaking, Canadian-born, business-
owning, peasant-exploiting, underprivileged few. But I egress. The
question is this: How do we shift the distribution of power so that the rich
have more rights and the poor have fewer?
Solution: Let us fill the media with pro-buggery endorsements. We
all know that the common man can only understand what is repeatedly driven
into his mind, the common woman even less. As the TV shows, movies, radio
music and commercials encouraging buggery become well known, our message
will be hammered into the brain of every troglodyte in Canada. This has
worked so far with capitalism, so why not with buggery? With the passing of
time and circulation of materials, our brainwash... erh I mean our message
will become an integral part of society.
Long live buggery!
Long live Capitalism!
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ASK AN EXPERT: ENVIRONMENTALISM
by BMC
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"BMC, I've recently become an environmentalist and my friends are
bugging me by saying that environmentalism is akin to being non-elite. How
can I combat this?" -J.E.J.
dEAR fUCKIN ASSHOLE,
Environmentalism is really stupid. If everybody started conserving
and recycling stuff we wouldn't have huge landfills anymore, just small
ones. I don't know how you do it in other parts of the world but here in
flat-as-fuck Saskatchewan, we keep throwing our paper and glass and metal
into a huge pile until it is big enough to cover with dirt and call a
mountain. If it wasn't for pollution and waste we wouldn't be able to ski!
So to your petty environmental pleas I must send out a big "Fuck
y'all!" I have heard it said that wasting the planet's resources will make
us run out of stuff eventually but hey, I'm in the top 5%, so waste is my
second name (and besides that I don't care in the first place).
Even when the 85% known as the working class can't buy a loaf of
bread or a scrap of tin with their wages, I will still have enough wealth to
wear the finest jewels and feast upon the most succulent murdered flesh of
animals!
As a final thought, I would just like to say that I think you are
fucking environ-mental.
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___________________________________________________
|THE COMINTERN IS AVAILIABLE ON THE FOLLOWING BBS'S |
|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~|
| BRING ON THE NIGHT (306) 373-4218 |
| CLUB PARADISE (306) 978-2542 |
| THE GATEWAY THROUGH TIME (306) 373-9778 |
|___________________________________________________|
| Website at: http://members.home.com/comintern |
| Email BMC at: thebmc@home.com |
|___________________________________________________|
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Copyright 2000 by The Neo-Comintern #116-08/01/00
All content is property of The Neo-Comintern/Weekly Capitalist.
You may redistribute this document, although no fee can be charged and the
content must not be altered or modified in any way. Unauthorized use of any
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