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Mind Warp File 23
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[ Mind Warp - Volume #1, Issue #12, File #023 ]
[ "Whining about 'The Lion King' :)" by Mustaine ]
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I Hate Cartoons: "The Lion King"
[Mustaine/Influenza]
I had the misfortune of seeing "The Lion King" the other day. Needless
to say, I have lost all faith in Disney. That is, what little respect I
actually held for Disney is all gone. Aw, scratch that. Disney just sucks,
got it? Now, back to the point. Where was I.....OH!
Like I said, or maybe i didn't...but who cares. I went to see the
Lion King. Not willingly of course. You see, my girlfriend...she prefers
to go unnamed when I write these articles...but Arsonist's Arsenal members
know her as Sarcasm...anyway, she was pissed at me so I had to go see Lion
King to otherwise avoid a tragic end to a relationship. You see I worked
all day, and had told her the day previous(like the day b4) that we might
go out and do something. KEY WORD is MIGHT. Not a promise...just "MIGHT."
At any rate, I had to work ALL morning and most of the afternoon, and didn't
get home till like 5. I then took a nap for about 15 minutes before she
called and started crying because I broke a date that I hadn't even really
promised to take her on. UGH. ANYWAYS...she suckered me to go see this
damn movie. AND NOW...for the review.
The Lion King. Hated it. Ok...this thing was a cartoon. Normal
people would have just avoided it because of that fact. Also...Disney
made it! Now who in their right mind would go see this film? Going on.
Plus..this story had way too much violence for a cartoon. G.I. Joe at
least didn't show the characters getting stamped by a wild rush of
uncontrolable zoo animals. Lemme start at the beginning.
1) Movie opens....stupid song...lots of cartoon thingy's.
2) Like this baby lion was born to the Lion KING!
(He's like the main character...I forget the bugger's name.)
3) The next few hours like we meet the bad guys, which are the
Lion's King's bro..Scar, and three hyenas...one of em is the voice
of Whoopie Goldberg. <kewl>
4) Next like they kill off the dad, blame it on the kid...and then
the kid leaves for some nearby forest.
5) Introduce some little rodent d00d with a farting pig. They
befriend the idiot. (The little lion d00d.)
6) Like they go off and grow up.
7) Back at the first place, like Scar and the hyenas take over
and make all the other animals miserable. (One might add that
they eat a LOT of zebra legs.)
8) Oh yeah...back in the beginning the little bugger d00d had a
girlfriend. She like leaves from the Scar d00d and comes
to the forest place.
9) Bugger d00d reunites with girl, they go resolve to go fight
Scar. (It's a lot bigger than that..but let's just say a monkey
and the ghost of bugger's dad convince bugger to go get Scar.)
10) Bugger goes to Scar...there's a neato cartoon slow-mo fight...
11) Scar gets killed by the hyena.
12) All is well.
13) A new bugger gets born from the mating of bugger and girlyfriend.
14) Closing Credits.
Ok. That was the whole movie. And I had to watch it to save my
relationship with my girlfriend. What a bitch. (The experience...not
my girlfriend.) Ok. That's it. Don't go see the movie. Disney sucks.
Etc., etc..
Mustaine / iNFLueNZa iNC. / 1994
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