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Milk_Issue_37
Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #37
Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "The Religion of the Spambiterians"
Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By Malakai
ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections
Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
SPAM and Regarding the Religion of the Spamibiterians
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I here at my computer have devised during many tedious hours of
boredom in and out of school the religion which will soon be known to the
world as Spamibiteria. This religion envolves the worship of Spam and those
products thereof, as well as animals which are directly related to this
beloved and just meat. This will cover the generalities, which include the
10 Spamandments, a few exerts from Spalms, and the Legend of the Chia Pet
from the Book of Duck.
The Holy Book of Spam
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The Holy Book of Spam is divided into Books. These Books are as
follows: The Creation, Spamcidis, Spalms, Monkverbs, Duckthemew, Duck, and
Monkius, and Relevations. The most important books are of which Spalms and Duck.
The first, the Book of Spalms, is where the Ispalmic teachings of the Middle
East and the Spamibiterian teachings of the west agree. It is from where the
10 Spamandments can be read, as well as the 10,005 praises of Spam. The later,
the Book of Duck, is where the Legend of the Chia Pet is derived as well as
the sacrafices nessecary on Spamy Days.
Important Spamy Days
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There are several minor Spamy days in which the Spamibiterian church
observes and practices religious ceremonies. I will list them in chronological
order from the beginning of the year.
January 5th: The New Dawning of Spam- This holiday is observing the start of
Spam and his advancements in modern age. The Holy Duck of Spam is to be eaten
on this day and the gizzards of said Duck will be fed to either a large cat
or a monkey.
May 18th-25th: The Week of the Rising Spam- This celebrates the period in
the Spam Wars of Old where Monkian Igraduck overcame the 5 headed Chia Pet
in the deserts of Arizona. ALL traditions, including the destruction of the
chia pet, must take place on this day. A new chia pet will be planted on the
25th for the Destruction of Chiakind holiday.
June 30th: The Creation of Spam- This is the date that all Spam is at its best;
This is the date Spam was invented, back in 1078, by the ancient philosopher
and reknown chef, Stuun Delot. With this advent, the glorious Spirit of Spam
could assume physical form and lead his masses of followers. The Monkey of the
Spam will be fed Spam until he chokes and dies from it on this day, and then
you will cook the corpse and eat it, feeding the stomach to the house-duck.
October 31st: Chia Night- This is the night that the spirits of the long
dead chia pets come and haunt the streets. This poses a great danger to
all those who have seen the light of Spam. On this day, a can of Spam will
be nailed to the front door, to keep these evil spirits away.
December 10th: The Destruction of Chiakind- The Chia pet which was planted on
May 25th in the end of the Week of the Rising Spam will be doused in gasoline,
put in 10' deep hole, then light a flame, and when the flame goes out, you will
read the Chia Banishment Scroll <also written in the Book of Monkius> then bury
this evil corpse. You will plant a new one on December 11th, for destruction on
the final day of the Week of the Rising Spam next year; This symbolizes the
constant struggle between Spam and the Chiakind.
These are the major Spamy days; These are widely practiced. Please use caution
when preforming these rituals, as the evil spirits of chia may escape, and Spam
help you if you aren't protected.
The 10 Spamandments
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The 10 Spamandments clearly instructs the people who have seen the
light of Spam on how to treat the physical embodyment of thier sacred meat.
1) You must never eat Spam with a fork, a knife, or a spoon. Only a plastic
spork shall please the sacred meat.
2) The juices of Spam must never touch the ground, if you can not properly
dispose of your sacred juice, you must sacrafice it to the Spirit of Spam,
by dumping it over your dogs head.
3) The Duck of the Spam must be eaten on Spamy days.
4) You must NEVER feed your chia pet Spam, for all chia pets are evil and
desire to kill you.
5) If you can not finish the Can of Spam which was given to you by the
Spirit of Spam, you can return it by putting it in your cats feed dish
or feeding it to your house duck.
6) The Monkey of Spam is to be fed one loaf of spam per week; Not two, not
three, and not four. One is the number of loaves they must eat per week.
The only exception is on June 30th.
7) The Empty Can of Spam is to be recycled, only by recycling the Empty Can
will you recieve more gifts of Spam by the Spirit.
8) Do not throw Spam over your right shoulder, your left shoulder, in front of
you, behind you, over your head, or onto the ground. If this happens, see
Spamandment 10.
9) Spam can not come within 30 feet of fire.
10) If Spam ever touches the ground, you must freeze it. Once it is frozen you
must break it into tiny pieces and bury each 31 feet under the ground. Then you
must fill up the grave with dirt. The final preperation for the forgiveness of
the great crime of dropping Spam is that you must place a 24 hour torch on each
of the gravesites. Only after this shall the Spirit forgive you.
The Legend of the Chia Pet (Duck Cp I-III)
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The Chiakind and Spaminites were friends in the early days, but the Chia
Pet had other intentions, quite horrible things to do with this friendship. The
Spaminites were a farming race, farming thier spam trees, planting and etc..
with much help from the Spirit of the Spam they had grown from a small people
to a great nation! The Chiakind was extremely jealous of this and so they
began to raise a great army to assault the Spaminites.
The leader of the evil Chiakind's army was Gnumon Humpfry, the assault
was to happen on the Creation of Spam holiday. The great army charged, but
the great Spirit of the Spam was awake and waiting. The Spirit had told the
Spaminites to keep half its army ready on the border between Spaminiah and
Chiapetria. The Evil Lord of Chiakind was FURIOUS! He called upon his wizards
to summon a 5 headed Chia Pet, one with claws of bronze and breath of flame.
The Chiapus Maximus as it was called, decended upon the Spaminite army,
and the Spaminites, striken with fear, fled back into Spiminiah. Only one
man remained, Monkian Igraduck, a Spam farmer from the desolate southern
wastes. Monkian led the Chiapus into the desert which he called home. There
they fought for 4 days, and on the 5th day, the Chiapus begged for mercy.
Monkian granted it, and as he went to help Chiapus up, Chiapus attacked.
Monkian was injured, but not killed. This assault made the Spirit furious, so
the Spirit gave Monkian the sacred Sword of Spam. Monkian then made easy
work of Chiapus.
This is the Legend of the Chia Pet
In Conclusion
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In conclusion, you must have integrity and an open mind to see the
light in which the Spirit of Spam can offer. If you wish to become a part of
this church, membership is the cost of a mere postage stamp. Write to:
The Church of Spambitirea
632 Warrior Ln.
Round Lake Heights, IL 60073
Hope you find peace in your food!
Û Û [MiLK] Information
Û Û
Û Û [MiLK] Sites:
Û Û
Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400]
Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400]
Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û
Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û
Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û
Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û [MiLK] Issue #037, "The Religion of.." by Malakai
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