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25 October 1994 Issue #33
An Invitation to Cheating!
by Gtterdammerng
As exam time nears, students everywhere are busily getting ready for
the final test of their scholastic achievement for the entire year. And
for a large proportion of the student population, it is time to plan the
largest cheating scam of the last two semesters.
It is silly to deny the truth. In every classroom, the knowledge of
students will be supplemented by the assistance of concealed
"test-assistants." In fact, it is foolish to deny that many of GlenOak's
finest have reached the pinnacle of scholarly success through questionable
It is safe to assume that the higher echelon of GlenOak's senior class have
relied heavily on the use of "cheating" in order to reach their current
grade point averages.
However, those students who employ techniques of unethical test-taking
deserve the high grades. It is obvious that these students are the truly
intelligent ones. The goal of the American education system is not learning;
especially in affluent, college-preparatory suburbs like Plain Township, the
goal of American education is a high GPA and high SAT/ACT scores. What a
student has really learned or experienced in his eighteen years of life is
irrelevant.
It is quite simple. There are essentially two ways of getting good grades.
One way (the one championed by teachers) is to study hard, stay home and
read chapter upon chapter of bookwork, repeatedly do algebraic problems that
were understood after the first five and "play the game" of the teachers.
Unfortunately, this path is long and arduous. It is often complicated and
also allows little time for experiencing life. And, sometimes, this path
offers up a person's dignity for grades.
But there is a far easier way to achieve grades! Cheating is the way. It is
often quicker, more effective and less time-consuming. The intelligent
person would realize that there is a better way to achieving the end that
is desired: good grades. It is the American way. It is capitalism at its
very best.
Ah, but what about later in life? "You can't cheat your entire life," shout
the anti-cheating advocates (the administration). Oh, but that simply is not
true; quite the contrary, in fact. John D. Rockefeller built his financial
empire upon loopholes in federal law. And in the same way, students build
their academic success upon loopholes in teacher surveillance.
That may be so, but what about learning? If a student cheats, then he is
only hurting himself because he doesn't learn anything. But, remember: as
was already stated, American education is geared towards grades, not
towards learning.
But just for the sake of argument it can be assumed for a moment that
American schools want students to be well-rounded intelligent people instead
of grade-conscious robots. Students who actually take the time to study what
they are shown hardly ever remember it any longer than two to three weeks
after the unit is over. There is no significant advantage to "learning" these
things. Also, students who engage in creating cheat sheets or other
complicated schemes often learn the "facts" of the unit by writing it down.
Perhaps it shouldn't be this way. It certainly is, but maybe it shouldn't.
The United States public education system encourages this activity. There
is no educational ethic in the schools. Students realize that they are
there only for grades and not really to learn.
Some classes, admittedly, are run by very progressive teachers that
understand these concepts. And GlenOak is lucky to have these teachers.
But as a whole, this is not the case. How often do students ask a question
during a pre-test review and the teacher responds with, "Well, don't worry,
you don't need to know that for the test."
Schools should not be run like prison-camps. Students shouldn't have to beg
to use the restroom. And the problems that modern schools face are not the
product of declining families or urban collapse or drugs or anything like
that.
The problem is the paternalistic structure that schools employ. Silly as
it may seem, students should be excited about learning and actually desire
to know things that will help them in the future. However, as long as
American education is set up the way it is, this will not be achieved.
So, students: get out your cheat sheets, tape those notes underneath the
microscope and get ready to do your best!
`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'
Hallucinatory Oyster Burrito
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