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Capital of Nasty Vol. 04 Issue 16
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume IV, Issue 16, AD MCMXCIX
Wednesday, November 17, 1999
ISSN 1482-0471
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The stone cannot know
Why the chisel cleaves it;
The iron cannot know
Why the fire scorches it;
When thy life is cleft and scorched
When death and despair leap at thee;
Beat not thy breast
And curse thy evil fate;
But thank the builder
For the trials that shape thee.
-- Keepers Annals
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"I still believe that the American legal system at the end of the day
will recognize that Microsoft's innovations and behaviour were
completely fair and brought tremendous benefits to millions of
consumers"
-- Bill Gates is a moron.
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1. Editorial
2. The Least Powerful People in Hollywood
3. Dogmatic Raw
4. Drug Underdose
5. Anime sucks!
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This week's Golden Testicle award:
Insert dick in drive A: and stroke any key when ready...
http://www.fufme.com
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1. Editorial
By CoN Staff
T- "So, I understand you'd like to work with our company?"
M- "Yes. I believe I am qualified in the position you have".
T- "I see. And what qualifications do you have?"
M- "Well, I like to shave my testicles, and those of my goats. I also
have great experience in networking, by putting two computers in the
same room. I think that ribee-ding ding ayee ayee argh. In my last
job I realized that my sole purpose in life was to make my bosses life
as miserable as possible, and was very good at it, too".
T- "Fascinating. What is your education?"
M- "I drove by Harvard Medical School in 1997. I also saw a flier of
the Michigan Institute of Technology. I slept during my New Media
course in Centennial College".
T- "Excellent! You are hired!"
M- "Brussel sprouts!"
T- "I understand your excitement. We are a young and strong company.
When can you start?"
M- "Hey mucho burro ali`".
T- "Perfect. It has been a pleasure".
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2. THE LEAST POWERFUL PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD
By Improv
In light of Entertainment Weekly's recent "Power List" that outlined
the 100 most powerful figures in Hollywood, I thought I'd reveal the
underbelly of entertainment industry. So here are IMPROV'S 17 LEAST
POWERFUL PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD:
17. Alan Thicke - the former Dr. Jason Seaver just has no one to
listen to him anymore...except that kid who played his son, Ben. And
let's not forget "Thicke of the Night" a talk show that was reportedly
so awful that upon seeing a taping of the first episode, Thicke
fainted dead away.
16. Eddie Rabbit - no one really cares that he "Loves a Rainy Night."
15. Danny Pintaro (Jonathan from Who's the Boss) - his coming out of
the closet was not only truly shocking, but detrimental to his career.
14. Rodney Dangerfield - not only does he get no respect, but no one
listens either.
13. William Shatner's Barber - cause he doesn't exist... Get it?!
Cause he's BALD.HA!!
12. Tony the Tiger - his cereal may be Greeaaat! But he's constantly
hindered for his refusal to accept that he's just a cartoon.
11. Nell Carter - cause she's fat.
10. Anybody who has ever appeared on Full House - self-explanatory.
9. Russian Prime Minister Boris Yeltsin - he's not actually in
Hollywood but he has no power anywhere.
8. Rick Springfield - Jessie's Girl may be one of the greatest songs
ever written, but still.
7. The guy who played the father on Silver Spoons - the fact that
even a t.v. geek like me can't remember the guy's name pretty much
secures his spot on this list.
6. Steve Guttenberg - Police Academy? Yes... Police Academy 3? No...
And let's not forget Guttenberg's other fine movies! "Zeus and
Roxanne", "Can't Stop the Music" and "The Man Who Wasn't There" (in
3D!)
5. Any Amish in Hollywood - because they don't believe in power of
any kind.
4. Yahoo Serious/Paul Hogan/that `oi guy' - unless 'Yahoo' cashed in
on the web site and shared with his fellow countrymen.
3. Seiko - she sang with Donnie Walberg
2. Dom Deluise - no power for Dom... `nless you count buying power at
the A&P.
1. The lead rapper of Snap - lawsuits are still pending, turns out he
really didn't have "The Power."
---
IMPROV: not only does he smell pretty, he comes in five designer
colours!
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3. Dogmatic Raw
by Jeff Wright
Writer/Director/Near Silent Actor, Kevin Smith's new film Dogma
is a terrific satire of organized religion, and the strongest faith
film I've seen. It's a hilarious comic book style journey, in which
all of existence is at risk.
The basic rundown is this (and I know it is a little complicated
and long, but I'm really not ruining anything so you can read it):
Bethany, an abortion clinic worker who's faith is lacking, is
given the task (by The Metatron, the voice of God) of stopping two
fallen angels, Bartleby and Loki, from entering a New Jersey church on
a day in which all sins of a person will be washed away if they walk
through the church's doors. This day is part of the Catholic Church's
attempt to contemporize itself in a campaign entitled `CATHOLICISM
WOW!' led by a Cardinal Glick. If Bartleby and Loki get through the
doors, then die, they will be allowed back into Heaven, but will also
negate existence. Bethany doesn't have to stop them on her own
though. She's helped along the way by Jay and Silent Bob, a couple of
drug dealers from Jersey with whom fans of Smith's other films will be
familiar. Along the way, Bethany, Jay and Bob run into Rufus, the
13th apostle who was left out of the bible because he's black, and
Serendipity, a muse who is working at a strip club after her attempt
to use her ideas for herself failed. Also involved in the story, are
Azrael, a demon on a self centered mission of his own, The Golgathon,
a creature made of excrement, The Styngian Triplets, three teen hockey
playing demons who work for Azrael, a golden calf named Mooby, and of
course God!
The film is Smith's love letter to God, and it shows. I've
never seen anything this strongly pro-faith before, so when you read
that it's anti-God, it's a bunch of horseshit! Smith's made the film
very accessible by making it a living comic book, full of crude and
very funny jokes.
The cast is fantastic. If ya want, here's the rundown of the
main players:
Linda Fiorentino
Ben Affleck
Matt Damon
Jason Mewes
Kevin Smith
Chris Rock
Salma Hayek
Alan Rickman
Jason Lee
George Carlin
Alanis Morrisette
Everyone is great, with Affleck being the big stand out. Also, Alanis
(in her small amount of screen time) is GREAT!!! I can't say enough
about her performance. It's one of the most enjoyable, and beautiful
performances I've seen. It's just so damn good!!! Anyone who
criticizes her performance is just being a dick, and doesn't want to
admit that she's good.
The film has a relatively slow pace, but it suits it (it's only
2 hours long with credits, don't worry). It's a nice pace that gives
the film a bigger size. The trek that's made by the characters seems
bigger and more important thanks to the pace. The interesting thing
about the film's pace is that there are A LOT of long dialogues, but
they're never boring. Dialogue is what Smith does best, and here he
is as good as he's been at writing witty dialogue that means something
underneath its lowbrow skin.
Dogma is currently my third favourite film of the year, behind
Fight Club and Being John Malkovich. The only two films I can see
beating it out this year are Magnolia and Man On The Moon, so it's
safe to say that Dogma is one of the year's best, funniest, and
definitely intelligent films.
P.s.
Stick around for the end of the credits cuz Smith's next film is
announced. I'm disappointed by it, and see it as a step back from
Dogma, but I'll still be there to see it on opening day.
---
Jeff re-watched Batman: The Movie (60's) the other day, and had
forgotten how damn funny it was. Don't forget. Rent or buy it today!
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4. Drug Underdose
By Jason MacIsaac
I have never taken any drugs.
By that I mean what's commonly referred to as "street drugs" or
"narcotics." I've never smoked marijuana, never dropped acid, never
shot up on heroin.
I don't express this as some kind of badge of honour. It's just
simply something I have not done and never intend to do. I determined
long ago that a person such as me, who's grip on reality is pretty
slippery to begin with, should not put himself in any altered states
and loosen it even further.
Which isn't to say I haven't been high. It's actually pretty hard to
go through life without having your higher reasoning supplanted by
happy pills or something else your guidance counselor warned you
about. If you've ever been to a rock concert, it's pretty much a
given that you get high. You don't even need to take your own drugs.
During one Kim Mitchell concert I attended (I am a wild party! Ra Ra
Ole!) there was marijuana smoke coming in from every point on the
compass. Just normal breathing was enough to take some in. Call it a
second hand high.
The highest I've ever been though was when I went into surgery a few
years ago to have a few superfluous internal organs yanked out. They
gave me some wicked stuff.
I don't know whether it was the staff meant to kill the pain or the
stuff to knock me out, but wow. I saw things that just defy
description. I knew they were hallucinations, but that didn't stop me
from having them. I knew for example, that a Formula 1 racer couldn't
possible zoom by my hospital bed. I also knew that I wasn't really at
the parking lot across from Maple Leafs Gardens on Carleton, and it
doesn't have a sidewalk curb that you can pull out and store giant
dustballs in. But I no joke, I saw this. And more. I knew it wasn't
real, which is a pity, because the old lady that smiled at me after I
put away the giant dustball looked very friendly and seemed to be a
good person to know.
I'm also told my speech was less than coherent. I can't remember a
single word I uttered, but I do remember babbling about something. I
also remember people I was speaking to looking at me as though I'd
announced that today was the day I finally fulfilled my lifelong dream
of stripping naked, painting my body blue and going out to direct
traffic at the Yonge and Dundas intersection wearing nothing but a
bowler hat and army boots. For all I know, that was exactly was I
saying. I do remember realizing that I wasn't making sense, and that
I should probably qualify or clarify my remarks. For some reason I
couldn't. I tried, but all that would come out was another stream of
weirdness.
As drug users would say, that was some good shit they gave me.
Of course, this was all purely legal stuff prescribed for legitimate
use by a professional, and it's not quite the same thing as say,
smoking a joint. This is one of the reasons I don't really like
illegal drugs or the culture that goes with them. The stuff that
medical science has produced blows anything you can buy off the street
right off the coke mirror.
For example, there's a drug called Adorax (I'm probably not spelling
it correctly). It's prescribed to people with severe skin damage,
such as 3rd degree burns. What it does is shuffle the priorities in
the message centre of your brain. The sensations that get reported to
your brain have an order of importance, and normally pain is at the
top of the list. The message "There's a slight itch on your forearm,
perhaps you should scratch it" mosies slowly into the message centre.
Missives like "Perhaps you should do something about your hair--it
hurts quite a bit because it's on fire" go screaming past the "itch"
message and butts in line ahead of even things like "That feels nice--
keep masturbating."
Adorax changes all that. It pushes pain down to the very bottom of
the list. So if someone's been burnt half to death, the message
centre doesn't have to return 500 calls a second with the reply, "Yes,
we know, we're healing it right now." Actually, it pushes most
messages to the bottom of the list, leaving you to ponder incoming
data such as "I like trees" and "I can't seem to remember how to walk
very fast." Adorax really takes away your pain. I've never used it
myself, but I'm told if you try to punch someone who's on Adorax,
he'll try to block it later in the week.
No street drug does this. Plus you don't have the additional risk of
dangerously incompetent preparation of the drug, infected drug
paraphernalia, and the threat of being arrested.
There is a movement to legalize what is perceived as "soft" drugs such
as marijuana. I'm sure people trying to get Parliament to pass equal
rights for same sex couples and tougher sentences on serial killers
and rapists think that the effort is well spent.
I'm of a mixed mind about it really. I have no illusions about the
whole thing, believe me. I've heard the arguments about alcohol being
a drug, nicotine being a drug, etc., so why aren't they illegal too?
I believe that the legalization of drugs would mean one more thing our
government could tax, and would lead to safety standards so that if
you do take drugs, at least you know you're not ejecting something
into you that is two-thirds Javex bleach. I believe the legalization
of drugs would mean lower crime rates. So why do I still oppose the
legalization of drugs?
Well, mainly because it pisses off lots of high school kids. You
know, the kind that consider Jim Morrison lyrics to be "poetry." The
kind of middle class kids that think that listening to Lauryn Hill
gives them intimate knowledge of the experience of blacks in America.
Anything that can be done to piss off these twits is time well spent
in my books. It gets them writing smug little essays and keeps them
off the streets. Unfortunately not out of the gene pool, but we're
working on it.
There are other proponents of drug legalization, and they are very
easy to set off. It's fun. One little snide comment about drugs and
they're off ranting about how strong hemp ropes are, and eventually it
deteriorates into vague, incoherent stuff about fascist money funding
death squads in country X. I love this kind of person. I once told a
very patriotic Greek man that one you looked at each nation's impact
on literature, culture, medicine, and science, Canada has played a far
bigger role than Greece.
I didn't think a person could actually vomit out of anger, but I was
wrong. This occurred about four years ago, and I think he's still
ranting. If you like stirring this kind of shit, here's a few more
good ones to try out: tell an auto-racing fanatic that auto-racing
isn't a real sport. Tell a right-wing bigot that Jesus was a Jew
(this last one is true, too). Tell a legalize drug advocate that a
casual marijuana user should be sentenced to 50 years in jail.
As you can see, I like to bait the pro-drug movement. I will concede,
however, that they've at least put some thought behind their campaign.
There is a segment though of the casual user demographic that doesn't
think at all.
Here's the reality: certain substances are illegal to own and sell.
You might not agree with this, but it is the law. And you will get
arrested if you're not careful. Period.
So why do so many casual drug users feel the need to tell me about
their exploits? I have had friends who've experimented with drugs and
tell me about it, but that's different. Friends are friends and I'm
not going to call Crimestoppers because they once took one puff from a
joint. Why is it though that some people, the moment that you meet
them, feel the need to talk to you about their drug use? These are
not hardcore addicts, but people who use them recreationally. Cops
would much rather bust a dealer carrying drugs and a concealed weapon
than a party of college kids passing a joint, but for fuck's sake if
you make it obvious, they will come down on you.
I have had no less than four people in recent times come up to me and
within an hour of meeting me, confess some form of ongoing drug use.
1) What makes them think I give a toss; and 2) For fuck's sake,
hasn't anyone ever heard the phrase "Loose lips sink ships?" What if
I DO give a toss and start squealing?
One idiot I met, who worked a total of six hours at my old restaurant
job, not only told me, but told someone else I worked with. When he
had finished talking about himself, he asked my coworker about her
aspirations. She told him how she wanted to be a police officer and
how she was enrolled a law enforcement program. It then occurred to
Mr. Genius that perhaps he shouldn't have shot his mouth off. He
asked her how he could be certain that she wouldn't tell anyone about
his revelation.
"You can't," she informed him. When the shift was over, she went to
the manager, and he was dismissed.
These people seem to assume that secretly, everybody is doing drugs.
Well, nobody is an angel, and many people are into something that
they'd rather everyone else not know about. Lots of these people are
smart enough though to not talk about it to people they don't know.
Mr. Genius and his ilk are carrying on as though drugs were legal.
Even if drugs were legalized tomorrow, there will still me a stigma
attached to them. It may be legal, but it's not something you'll want
to bring up at say, a job interview. Don't drug users understand
this?
Here's a better example. At this same restaurant a customer came in,
and accidentally left behind what's known as a "dime bag." He came
back and asked for it as though he'd left behind his umbrella.
Apparently he was utterly confident that it would be here and happily
returned. I don't believe he actually got it back. Not because we
turned it over to the police (it would have served him right if they'd
been waiting for him when he got back) but because it was snagged by
another employee.
"A dime bag of marijuana," she said. "This is the best tip I've ever
got."
And they say drugs make you paranoid. Nope, as far as I can see they
make you dangerously trusting.
In a way, drugs are like religions to me. I'm not part of it but I'm
aware it's done, don't mind it as long as it's not hurting someone
else, and I want people to keep theirs away from me unless I ask. I
could add a pretentious quote about opium by Marx here, but I won't.
I can't cosy up to Marx, I'd rather piss him off. It's a pity he's
dead. I kinda like to ask him how he plans to commemorate the death
of Princess Diana.
---
Jason MacIsaac was born in a crossfire hurricane and howled at his ma
in the driving rain. But it's all right now, in fact, it's a gas.
-------------------------------------------
5. Anime Sucks!
by Goat "I'm not bitter" boy
The Pokemon movie has arrived, and I can just shiver in horror, as for
some reason, which someone has yet to explain to me, I'll be seeing it
on Tuesday (actually tonight, we didn't see that. We saw Princess
Mononoke. I think the Gods felt pity on us, and made sure we'd miss
Poketurd. -Ed). I can't deny that I am a little disappointed that the
slaughter scene was left out. Apparently this movie was made from
slicing 3 original Japanese ones, and by removing all the bad bits
(where the bad, well-spoken MewTwo Pokemon goes into a frenzy of
dikplay and trips everyone's nuts in a bath of blood). I would've
given my left nut to see that scene, and to hear the kids scream in
the theatre. Ah, twell, as Morbus says.
Anyway, as Power Rangers killed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds, as Sailor
Moon killed Power Rangers, Pokemon killed Sailor Moon, I can just sit
back and wait,to see what will kill Pokemon. I can already picture
our already full landfills filled with Pokemon paraphernalia.
I hate anime`. I was raised with anime`, and next to a dubbed version
of Rocket Robin Hood, anime` was the next best thing to that and a
giant enema. I don't know if it's a common thing in Europe, but in
Italy, even now, you flip on the channel and you can find re-runs of
all the blasted anime` cartoons that I hadto endure.
There were generally three types of cartoons, the ones for girls, the
ones for boys and ones that just made no sense. The ones for girls
were divided further down in two categories: girl (or something),
looking for either mother, father, uncle, whatever, in some remote
part of the world other than Japan. At least once in the episode, her
eyes would start to wobble and then streams of water would erupt. You
could tell someone was about to cry in Japanime` because their eyes
wobbled. The girl never found what she was looking for, until the
very last episode (the last of several zillion). If you missed an
episode, or far that matter, all of them, it would've been just the
same.
The other kind of cartoon for girls was the one of some 7 year old who
could mutate into someone or something else. Think Sailor Moon was a
new concept? Ah, think again. They just got lucky because they wear
short skirts, but as far as originality goes, they are not the first
on line.
Boys had a large variety of robots to pick from: Mazinga, then later
Mazinga Z, Daiton, Voltron and a bunch more (like Star Blazers and the
former Yamato, now called Argo). The series varied between episodes
or stories that one sometimes confused which robot you were looking
at.
Aliens with a fashion sense that looked bad even in the 70s, would
send in a robot. Robot would kick some civilian ass. They would look
at the bad robot, have the ultra long "let's get into our robot, aha!"
sequence, go into a fight with the robot, and in the end, use the same
powerful weapon they use in every episode to slice, cut, Julian fries
the enemy robot.
There would be that dramatic pause you only see in Japanese cartoons
as everyone just stands there, then light starts to flicker out of the
bad robot and Boom! So much for reliable alien technology.
The witty, snotty little kid of the group would say something not even
remotely funny, and everyone would laugh. Every episode was like
this! Why not use the ultra-powerful weapon right away? Or the
snotty little kid?
Cartoons that made no sense were like "Ken the Warrior" (yeah and Bob
the Samurai). He had a small head, a gigantic body and he'd go around
touching punks (you know, spiked hair, leather jackets), and they
would explode. I remember one episode, he kills a whole bunch of
punks, then he touches another one, and he says "You have seven
seconds to live, aha! You will tell me where you evil leader is, aha!"
and the guy does. I would've flipped my bird and said, very calmly:
"Fuck you, Ken". I digress.
There was one which was solely about soccer. I don't remember the
name. I just remember that the episode started, something important
would happen (the enemy team has a new goalie and you can't see his
face because it's covered by his hair! Therefore he must be good -
more on this later). Then they would play soccer for what seemed an
eternity (you'd have to endure scenes like the main player running for
the opposite net. He'd never get there. He'd be running, those weird
lines that appear only in Japanimation screaming around him,
occasionally jumping over the opposite team players that would, one by
one, try to get the ball from him. In the distance, the goalie-net
would appear, slowly emerging from behind the horizon line, as if
planet earth was that small. The drama and all, I `pose. Maybe this
took place on one of the smaller moons of Mars, but if that had been
the case, they all would've died rather quickly. I digress, I'm sorry.
Anyway, half an hour later (as the episode is about to end and you
endure way too many commercials on the latest GIJOE dolls), our hero
(with names like Mirko, Ken, Mikai, etc.), would win. Just like
episode #1 to #5,652,234.
And the characters were always the same: the main hero would have
usually goofy expressions, or if it was meant to be remotely serious,
he'd have long hair. If you couldn't see his eyes it meant that buddy
was cool, had a traumatic past, or just a short dick and he was trying
to look like a man.
And of course, lest we forget the facial expressions: big eyes, no
nose, small mouth with lines on cheek: embarrassed. Big eyes, no
nose, big mouth: surprised. Lines instead of eyes, big mouth, no
nose: upset. No eyes, no nose, big smile, lots of ovals instead of
feet: in a hurry, but not going anywhere fast.
However, there is something worse than Anime`. It's the people that
love Anime`. They follow episodes as if it were their religion, draw
their own art (which is exactly identical to what everyone else is
doing, since they have to follow the masters' trace) with extreme
dedication, and have the inability to discuss their passion
rationally:
"I don't like Akira."
"WHAT! HERETIC!"
Frankly, I don't. Okay, so the animation is great, but forget it when
it comes to a story line. Dragontesticle Z, Akira, Ghost in the
Shell, long stories, with action and philosophy that are supposed to
strike in our hearts (or in our lower intestines as we sit on the
can). They sit there and complain that the americanized version just
doesn't cut it, and that dubbing ruins the story. Frankly it doesn't
make a difference. It's not like their eyes grow smaller and their
brains bigger.
Then you get the Hentai shit, with school girls being raped by
tentacles or giant green demons. Wooah, okay there boy, hold on the
`shrooms.
I better end this, before the Pichachoo Gods strike me down with
lightning. I doubt anyone understands the pain that I went through
as I was raised, when the only sort of entertainment on TV was
anime`. Try it sometimes: watch anime` everyday, for a good 11
years of your life. It'll stop being fascinating because you
don't see it everyday, and you've only seen "the good ones".
Feel the pain. I just hope some idiot writes back and flames me
on how stupid I am. It would prove me oh so right.
-------------------------------------------
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CoN: platu verata necktie.
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome
http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471
A bi-weekly electronic journal. Subscriptions available at no cost
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ZimID 708EC8D1 1994/09/14 EC B0 97 59 1D FE 7C 32 7E 04 2C 66 47 41 FB 7D
